Silly Jokes
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Here's one for your six year old: What do cats eat for breakfast? Mice Krispies
That’s good stuff. She tells this one a lot too…
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Ice Krispies.
One time a man and his wife were asleep in bed, and they were rudely awakened at three in the morning by someone pounding on their front door, and loudly.
The husband got up, staggered to the door, and opened it. A stranger was standing there, as drunk as someone who is still upright could still be. He was drunk and he was soaking wet, as the rain was pounding down.
“Hey, man,” the drunk asked. “Could you give me a push?”
The husband lost his temper, and said there was not a chance of that, and that he was too drunk to drive, and that he should walk home. With that, he slammed the door and went back to bed.
His wife asked him, when he got back, “What was that?”
“Nothing but some drunk guy wanting a push,” the husband answered.
“Did you help him?” she asked.
“Well, no,” he said. “He’s too drunk to drive, it is three in the morning, and it is pouring rain out. Do you really think differently?”
“Well, I sort of do. Remember that time a few months ago when we broke down, and the weather was really bad? And those two guys stopped and helped us? It was a life saver—couldn’t you do something to help him?”
With that, the husband threw on some clothes, a little out of sorts, and huffed down the stairs. Standing on the front porch, in the pouring rain, he called out, “Hello? You still here?”
The answer came back, faintly, “Yes!”
“Do you still need a push?” the husband asked.
“Yes, please!” was the answer from the dark.
“Where are you then?” the husband asked, a little exasperated by this point.
“Over here in the side yard. On the swing.”
The husband got up, staggered to the door, and opened it. A stranger was standing there, as drunk as someone who is still upright could still be. He was drunk and he was soaking wet, as the rain was pounding down.
“Hey, man,” the drunk asked. “Could you give me a push?”
The husband lost his temper, and said there was not a chance of that, and that he was too drunk to drive, and that he should walk home. With that, he slammed the door and went back to bed.
His wife asked him, when he got back, “What was that?”
“Nothing but some drunk guy wanting a push,” the husband answered.
“Did you help him?” she asked.
“Well, no,” he said. “He’s too drunk to drive, it is three in the morning, and it is pouring rain out. Do you really think differently?”
“Well, I sort of do. Remember that time a few months ago when we broke down, and the weather was really bad? And those two guys stopped and helped us? It was a life saver—couldn’t you do something to help him?”
With that, the husband threw on some clothes, a little out of sorts, and huffed down the stairs. Standing on the front porch, in the pouring rain, he called out, “Hello? You still here?”
The answer came back, faintly, “Yes!”
“Do you still need a push?” the husband asked.
“Yes, please!” was the answer from the dark.
“Where are you then?” the husband asked, a little exasperated by this point.
“Over here in the side yard. On the swing.”
This is an old vaudeville joke that has been expanded and updated over the years and has now gone international :
Classic Dad joke. It’s all about the delivery.
Whats difference between a bar room and an elephant fart? . . . .
A bar room is just a bar room. An elephant fart is a BA-ROOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!
Whats difference between a bar room and an elephant fart? . . . .
A bar room is just a bar room. An elephant fart is a BA-ROOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!
So there was this airliner that was flying to Toronto. Shortly after takeoff, a striking and somewhat entitled blonde woman sitting back in coach got up, before the seat belt sign was off, made her way up to first class, and sat down in an empty seat that was there.
A flight attendant saw her make this move, and asked to see her boarding pass. When it was produced, she looked at it and said, very politely, that the woman’s assigned seat was back in economy class, and that she would have to move back there. To this the woman responded with, “I’m blonde, I am beautiful, I am going to Toronto, and I am staying right here.”
The flight attendant went up to the cockpit and told the pilot and copilot that she had something of a situation. There was a blonde diva who was poaching a seat in first class, and who wouldn’t go back to her seat. So the co-pilot sighed, and said, “I will give it a try.”
So he went back and explained to the woman that if you only paid for coach you have to sit in coach. To this the woman replied, again, “I’m blonde, I am beautiful, I am going to Toronto, and I am staying right here.”
The co-pilot went back to the cockpit and told the pilot that they should probably have the cops waiting when they got to Toronto. They were going to have to arrest this blonde. She wouldn’t listen to reason.
The pilot responded instantly—“You say she’s blonde? I speak blonde. I am married to a blonde. I’ll handle it.”
So he went back, leaned over and whispered in the woman’s ear. With that, she turned red, and said, “Oh, I am terribly sorry.” She got up promptly, and went back to her assigned seat in coach.
The flight attendant watched all this with amazement, and a few minutes later stuck her head into the cockpit and asked the pilot what he could have said to make her move without any fuss. “Yeah,” said the co-pilot. “What did you say?”
“Oh, I just told her that first class isn’t going to Toronto.”
A flight attendant saw her make this move, and asked to see her boarding pass. When it was produced, she looked at it and said, very politely, that the woman’s assigned seat was back in economy class, and that she would have to move back there. To this the woman responded with, “I’m blonde, I am beautiful, I am going to Toronto, and I am staying right here.”
The flight attendant went up to the cockpit and told the pilot and copilot that she had something of a situation. There was a blonde diva who was poaching a seat in first class, and who wouldn’t go back to her seat. So the co-pilot sighed, and said, “I will give it a try.”
So he went back and explained to the woman that if you only paid for coach you have to sit in coach. To this the woman replied, again, “I’m blonde, I am beautiful, I am going to Toronto, and I am staying right here.”
The co-pilot went back to the cockpit and told the pilot that they should probably have the cops waiting when they got to Toronto. They were going to have to arrest this blonde. She wouldn’t listen to reason.
The pilot responded instantly—“You say she’s blonde? I speak blonde. I am married to a blonde. I’ll handle it.”
So he went back, leaned over and whispered in the woman’s ear. With that, she turned red, and said, “Oh, I am terribly sorry.” She got up promptly, and went back to her assigned seat in coach.
The flight attendant watched all this with amazement, and a few minutes later stuck her head into the cockpit and asked the pilot what he could have said to make her move without any fuss. “Yeah,” said the co-pilot. “What did you say?”
“Oh, I just told her that first class isn’t going to Toronto.”
My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, “Hey buddy…why are you doing that for?” He said, “Because you came home early.”
Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?” He said, “I don’t know kid. There are so many places they can hide.”
One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, “Hey buddy…why are you doing that for?” He said, “Because you came home early.”
Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?” He said, “I don’t know kid. There are so many places they can hide.”
Apparently the joke voted favourite at the latest Edinburgh Fringe Festival goes something like this...
"I went into the food shop to steal some spaghetti but the security guard saw me and I couldn't get pasta"......ba-boom tush.
Regards,
Jay.
"I went into the food shop to steal some spaghetti but the security guard saw me and I couldn't get pasta"......ba-boom tush.
Regards,
Jay.
Oh great painter, so paint for me,
despite my wifes grunt,
over my doorway, a really big and luscious...
Glass of beer.
despite my wifes grunt,
over my doorway, a really big and luscious...
Glass of beer.
How are you feeling? Did you get over Covid? I'm glad to see you on the forum again.
Here's a pile of PG ones
What do you get when you cross a lake, with a leaky boat? Halfway
What do you get when you cross and elephant with a rhino? Elefino
What do you do with a dead chemist? Barium
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Call him whatever you want, he won't come to you.
What do you get when you cross a lake, with a leaky boat? Halfway
What do you get when you cross and elephant with a rhino? Elefino
What do you do with a dead chemist? Barium
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Call him whatever you want, he won't come to you.
Thanks chum, I survived it....just, but wouldn't wish it upon anyone, it was hideous and not at all pleasant for about 4 days then as quickly as it came, it disappeared!
Thanks for asking.
Regards,
Jay.
Q: What do you call a fly with no wings?
A: A walk.
Q: Where would you find a man with no legs?
A: Where you left him.
Q: What's long, brown and sticky?
A: A stick.
Ok, I'm going.....
Regards,
Jay.
A: A walk.
Q: Where would you find a man with no legs?
A: Where you left him.
Q: What's long, brown and sticky?
A: A stick.
Ok, I'm going.....
Regards,
Jay.
Reminds of my dyslexic friend who spelled his name boB.
Only word he could spell was ambulance.
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
Phillipe Phillope
Phillipe Phillope
The people of Qatar don't like the Flintstones, but the people from Abu Dhabi do.