Silly Jokes

[WVOldFart]

I love silly jokes. I grew up when Monty Python's Flying Circus made it to US television. There was no hope for me after that. A silly joke does not have to be long or complicated. My wonderful wife who lives with chronic pain everyday can still enjoy a good chuckle. Her favorite silly joke is "Two men walk into a bar, the third one ducks." I have enjoyed many sillky jokes through the years, such as "Did you know that trees poop? Yep, that's where we get number 2 pencils." Since the pipe forum is full of characters, I'm sure you can share some silly jokes. Some may even be printable.

 

[captainsousie]

Did you hear about the dehydrated French man, Pierre?

 

[HawkeyeLinus]

Elephants wear green shoes so they can sneak across the pool table without being seen.

 

[captainsousie]

Elephants wear green shoes so they can sneak across the pool table without being seen.

Reminds me of the one that goes:

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.

Usually followed by:

How did Tarzan die?
Picking cherries.

 

[HawkeyeLinus]

What's the difference between and elephant and a plum?

They're both purple except for the elephant.

What did Charles de Gaulle say when he saw the elephants?

Voile les plums! (He was colorblind).

Got a little book in 4th grade full of elephant jokes, my parents got sick of them pretty quick, lol. Wish I still had it, though. No s__t, it was not until I got my first down winter jacket in 1976 and at some point was walking about and the punchline "you get down from a duck" finally made sense. I had no concept of duck or goose down until that point, so embarrassing -- of course I promptly told all my friends how stupid I was.

 

[Morrison Jeremiah]

What did the earwig say when it fell off a cliff ?
'Ere we go !

 

[HawkeyeLinus]

This is a classic:

A blonde goes out for a training run. She comes to a river and looks for a bridge or crossing but can’t find any. She spots another blonde on the opposite side of the river. “Excuse me” she shouts, “How can I get to the other side?”

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, “You’re already on the other side!”

Before anyone gets triggered, I first heard it when my (blonde at that time) oldest daughter brought it home from her 7th grade science teacher who thought he should be telling them, lol. My wife was appalled. My daughter said something to him at some point and they had a funny chat. So. . . . 4 years later he has my youngest and red haired daughter in class (by now had been off the blonde jokes) and announces "this is from _________'s sister" and substitutes redhead in the joke.

 

[WVOldFart]

I love little Johnny jokes: As we know little Johnny is an ornery, mischievous young lad who loves to give his teacher trouble. One day the teacher says "Class we are learning the meaning of words. Today's word is Definitely. Can anyone make a sentence with the word definitely?" Amy raises her hand. "Yes, Amy, what is your sentence." Amy replies "The sky is definitely blue'" The teacher says "That's not the case because the sky can have clouds, so that is not what I'm looking for" Paul lifts his hand. "OK Paul give it a try." Paul responds with "The grass is definitely green." "Nice try Paul, but the grass can get dry and turn brown so that is not what I'm looking for." Little Johhny is in the back of the class waving like crazy for attention. The teacher doesn't want to acknowledge him because he always causes trouble, but she finally weakens and says "OK Johnny what is your answer." Johnny responds "First teacher I have to ask you a question. Do farts have lumps?" The teacher is perplexed and surprised but says "NO JOHNNY Farts do NOT have lumps." "Well, teacher, then I have definitely shit myself."

 

[captainsousie]

Ok, one more. It's a favorite and got me in a lot of trouble with my sister when I told it to my nephew.

Why was Tigger looking in the toilet?

He was trying to find Pooh.

 

[Grangerous]

How did Hellen Keller burn her face? —She answered the iron.

How did she burn the other side? — They called back.

 

[solideogloria86]

What's the difference between and elephant and a plum?

They're both purple except for the elephant.

What did Charles de Gaulle say when he saw the elephants?

Voile les plums! (He was colorblind).

Got a little book in 4th grade full of elephant jokes, my parents got sick of them pretty quick, lol. Wish I still had it, though. No s__t, it was not until I got my first down winter jacket in 1976 and at some point was walking about and the punchline "you get down from a duck" finally made sense. I had no concept of duck or goose down until that point, so embarrassing -- of course I promptly told all my friends how stupid I was.

One more elephant joke.

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a sparrow?

Broken telephone lines.

 

[HawkeyeLinus]

I love little Johnny jokes: As we know little Johnny is an ornery, mischievous young lad who loves to give his teacher trouble. One day the teacher says "Class we are learning the meaning of words. Today's word is Definitely. Can anyone make a sentence with the word definitely?" Amy raises her hand. "Yes, Amy, what is your sentence." Amy replies "The sky is definitely blue'" The teacher says "That's not the case because the sky can have clouds, so that is not what I'm looking for" Paul lifts his hand. "OK Paul give it a try." Paul responds with "The grass is definitely green." "Nice try Paul, but the grass can get dry and turn brown so that is not what I'm looking for." Little Johhny is in the back of the class waving like crazy for attention. The teacher doesn't want to acknowledge him because he always causes trouble, but she finally weakens and says "OK Johnny what is your answer." Johnny responds "First teacher I have to ask you a question. Do farts have lumps?" The teacher is perplexed and surprised but says "NO JOHNNY Farts do NOT have lumps." "Well, teacher, then I have definitely shit myself."

I'll approach this with caution, but the only one I ever heard involved the teacher asking the kids to use a word in a sentence. So the punchline was him saying "Urinate --- if your _____ were bigger you'd be a 10". Most jokes I heard over the course of junior high and into college I just won't repeat, lol, but honestly have forgotten most of them and probably a good thing, lol.

Back to the elephant jokes for me!

 

[HawkeyeLinus]

This makes me laugh out loud every time I see the movie!

 

[mso489]

The fortune teller looks into the crystal ball and her face lights up, and she says, "I'm so happy for you! This is wonderful!" And the woman whose fortune she is reading slaps the fortune teller in the face. The fortune teller draws back in horror. "Why would you do that?" And the woman says, "Because my mother always told me to strike a happy medium."

Why do elephants drink? To forget.

Then there's my favorite Cruela DeVille line. Her butler is praising her and buttering her up, and she says, "What kind of a sycophant are you?" And he thinks a moment and asks, "What kind of a sycophant would you like me to be?"

 

[Bengel]

Olie walks into the diner and sits down next to Sven at the counter, a huge grin on his face...​

Sven says, "Hey, Olie! Whatcha grinnin' about?"

Olie says, "I had a very nice date with Leena last night."

"Oh? Do tell!"

"Well, she picked me up in that new pick-up of hers and we went for a drive through the woods. After a spell, she pulled off the main road down this little path and stopped. She got out of the truck without turning it off and walked in front of it, where she started to take all of her clothes off! Finally, buck naked in the headlights, she yells, 'Take what you will, Olie!' So I took the truck and left."

"That's mighty smart of you, Olie. Those clothes would've never fit you."

 

[sablebrush52]

A gentleman, with a frog perched on his shoulder, walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, " Why have you got a frog on your shoulder?"

The frog responds. "Would you believe it started out as a pimple on my ass?"

 

[sablebrush52]

From my father, who told few jokes, thankfully, and thought this one was the berries:

Confucius says:

Starving bald headed man sit out in bright sun, get baked bean.

 

[kcghost]

Clever jokes!!

 

[cosmicfolklore]

When a travelling circus posted that they were going to interview lion tamers, only two showed a up, a girl with a chair and an old guy with a cigar. So, the circus guy says, "Ok babe, get in there with your chair and show us what you got." So, the girl enters the cage, with the lion roaring ferociously and circling the girl. She take off her clothes and sets in the chair, to have the lion start to mount her.

The circus guy turns to the man with the cigar, and asks, "So, you think you can do better than that?"
He said, "Yeh, but get that fucking lion out of there."

Wait, was I supposed to tell a kid's joke?

 

[cosmicfolklore]

The other day, as my wife was coming out of the store, someone makes off with her car. I asked her if she got a good look at the guy who took it. She said "No, but I got the license plate number."