My first wife always wanted to talk during sex... which is fine, but who wants that sort of phone call at work? 
Silly Jokes
- Thread starter WVOldFart
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Just one more before the mods drag me outa here. No respect, no respect...
I told this one on the cigar thread...
Lady gets a job on a 911 hotline and gets a call... obviously the guys is excited and breathing heavy "My buddy just died while we were out hunting..."
She says, "Sir, calm down, first make sure he is really dead."
So, it's quiet for a minute, then she hears a gunshot BAM!!! Then he comes back on the line, "Now what?"
OK ok ok... that's it, no more...
I told this one on the cigar thread...
Lady gets a job on a 911 hotline and gets a call... obviously the guys is excited and breathing heavy "My buddy just died while we were out hunting..."
She says, "Sir, calm down, first make sure he is really dead."
So, it's quiet for a minute, then she hears a gunshot BAM!!! Then he comes back on the line, "Now what?"
OK ok ok... that's it, no more...
young woman wants Elvis Presley tatoed on her inside thigh way up, He does and useing mirror she MFs him saying that’s not at all like him, he says I’ll do another on the other leg way up for free. He gets his tools and does the other leg, mirror comes out again and she sctreams thats not at all like him. Tattoo man says look I’ll call my regular client and have him judge, Clinet comes in and looks carefully and says, don’t know who the two dudes are but the middle one is the spitting image of WILLIE NELSON. 
I went to a hotel once and asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife.
The secret to my wife's and my happy marriage is that we eat out once a week. She goes on Tuesdays and I go on Fridays.
(Old Red Skelton joke)
(Old Red Skelton joke)
As my wife and I have aged we now only have oral sex, walking down the hall in opposite directions saying f**k you!
One of my faves:
What do you get when you pour root beer into a square cup?
Beer.
What do you get when you pour root beer into a square cup?
Beer.
Dangerfield is one of the UNSUNG classics of comedy... probably because it sounds stupid to rhyme something with Dangerfield.
There's only one thing that would make me and my wife get a divorce, and that is if she caught me having sex with another woman. I just wouldn't tolerate that.
There's only one thing that would make me and my wife get a divorce, and that is if she caught me having sex with another woman. I just wouldn't tolerate that.
I asked my partner if I was the only one, she’s been with.
She said, “Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights”
She said, “Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights”
A Welsh farmer let a tramp stay in his barn for the night.
in the morning he took him out a cup of tea.
The Tramp said "I was talking to the cow, it said "that farmer is a great guy"
I was also talking to the chicken. it said "that farmer is a great guy"
and what's more, I was talking to that sheep."
The farmer suddenly butted in, and shouted "That sheep is a bloody liar ! "
in the morning he took him out a cup of tea.
The Tramp said "I was talking to the cow, it said "that farmer is a great guy"
I was also talking to the chicken. it said "that farmer is a great guy"
and what's more, I was talking to that sheep."
The farmer suddenly butted in, and shouted "That sheep is a bloody liar ! "
And another great, who just passedDangerfield is one of the UNSUNG classics of comedy... probably because it sounds stupid to rhyme something with Dangerfield.
There's only one thing that would make me and my wife get a divorce, and that is if she caught me having sex with another woman. I just wouldn't tolerate that.
My wife's favorite silly joke:
Why don't Elephants smoke? Because their butts won't fit in the ashtray!
Why don't Elephants smoke? Because their butts won't fit in the ashtray!
One of my favorite silly jokes:
A grasshopper bellies up to a bar. The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey! We have a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Steve?"
A grasshopper bellies up to a bar. The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey! We have a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Steve?"
Q: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts ?
A: Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.
What did the grape say when it got run over. Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
Actor Brian Glover tells this joke in the pub scene in An American Werewolf In London.
There was this airplane over the Atlantic on its way to New York. It was full of men from the United Nations. So halfway over the ocean the engines run low on petrol so they have to lighten the plane. So they heave out all the baggage, but it's still too heavy. So they chuck out the seats, but it's still too heavy! Finally this Froggy steps up and shouts "Viva la France" and leaps out. Then an Englishman steps up and shouts 'God save the Queen!' and leaps out. But the plane is still too heavy. So the Yank delegate from Texas steps up, shouts, 'Remember the Alamo!' and chucks out the Mexican.
There was this airplane over the Atlantic on its way to New York. It was full of men from the United Nations. So halfway over the ocean the engines run low on petrol so they have to lighten the plane. So they heave out all the baggage, but it's still too heavy. So they chuck out the seats, but it's still too heavy! Finally this Froggy steps up and shouts "Viva la France" and leaps out. Then an Englishman steps up and shouts 'God save the Queen!' and leaps out. But the plane is still too heavy. So the Yank delegate from Texas steps up, shouts, 'Remember the Alamo!' and chucks out the Mexican.
So A dislexic kid walks into a bra...
Here is a cheesy one I wrote.
What did the noodle say when the cop pulled it over?
"Officer I'am Soba"
;P
What did the noodle say when the cop pulled it over?
"Officer I'am Soba"
;P