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Bengel

Lifer
Sep 20, 2019
3,411
15,595

Rope, string and twine walk into a bar​

String walks toward the bartender and asks for three drinks, for himself & his friends. The bartender says they don’t serve strings and refuses their order. The twine does the same thing, and also gets turned down similarly.

The rope thinks for a while, and ties himself in the middle and pulls the end of him all out. He now approaches the bar, but without him saying anything, the bartender offers him the three drinks they had been asking for. And the bartender says, “here are your drinks. You’re not one of those strings are you?”. The rope says, “No, I’m a frayed knot”.
 

pipingfool

Can't Leave
Sep 29, 2016
369
1,479
Seattle, WA
Two retired friends have a standing golf game every Saturday. Every week they alternate playing on each other's home courses.

One Saturday, they are playing on Jim's course, and Jim tells Ted that he just got a golfing chimpanzee, and he will bet him $100 that his chimpanzee will beat him next Saturday on his own course.

Ted says, "You are out of your damned mind! I'm a 4 handicap, there is no way that chimp is going to beat me on my own course. You have a bet!"

So the following Saturday both men show up at Ted's course and, as promised, Jim has his chimpanzee in tow.

On the 1st tee box, Jim pulls out a small little set of golf clubs, pulls out a tiny driver, hands it to the chimp and tees up a ball.

The chimp approaches the ball, takes a wild swing, and CRUSHES the ball straight down the fairway 315 yards.

Ted's mouth hit the ground. He looks around to see if anyone is watching and pulls out a crisp $100 bill and hands it to Jim.

"Here. Take this.", he says. "I can't have anyone see this chimp beat me on my own course. You can put those tiny clubs away."

Jim folds up the $100 and slides it into his pocket and both men take turns teeing off.

As they are walking down the fairway, Ted turns to Jim and asks, "Just out of curiosity, how does that chimp putt?"

"Just like he drives, 315 yards."
 

mingc

Lifer
Jun 20, 2019
4,231
12,549
The Big Rock Candy Mountains
An oldie but a goodie.

A hunter goes into the woods to hunt bear. He carries his trusty 22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later, the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can rip your throat out, or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and I’ll fuck you up the ass.” The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his trousers and bends over; and the bear does what he said he would do. After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers and staggers back into town. He’s pretty mad. He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same bear, aims, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “You again? Well, you know what to do.” Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town, and buys a bazooka. Now he’s really mad. He returns to the forest, sees the bear, aims, and fires. The force of the bazooka blast knocks him flat on his back. When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over him and says, “You’re not doing this for the hunting, are you?”
 
The joke that Marty Funkhouser tells Jerry Seinfeld in Curb Your Enthusiasm is pretty hilarious. Larry's reaction to Funkhouser as he's telling the joke makes it all the more funny?.

See, I read this and think, 'maybe this one will make me like Larry,' and then I watch this and think, 'now I hate Seinfeld," ha ha. Thanks, ha ha.
 

Grangerous

Lifer
Dec 8, 2020
3,454
14,286
East Coast USA
100 year old widow is lamenting the recent loss of her husband to her daughter.

Daughter: “Mom, what happened?”

Widow: “Your father and I were having sex on Sunday morning like we usually do… “

Daughter: “Mom! Sex at your age is dangerous!”

Widow: “We always did it to the sound of the church bells, dear— in with the ding, out with the dong… and your father would still be alive today—if it wasn’t for that ice-cream truck.”
 

mingc

Lifer
Jun 20, 2019
4,231
12,549
The Big Rock Candy Mountains
100 year old widow is lamenting the recent loss of her husband to her daughter.

Daughter: “Mom, what happened?”

Widow: “Your father and I were having sex on Sunday morning like we usually do… “

Daughter: “Mom! Sex at your age is dangerous!”

Widow: “We always did it to the sound of the church bells, dear— in with the ding, out with the dong… and your father would still be alive today—if it wasn’t for that ice-cream truck.”
Death by calliope?!
 
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