The Joke Thread: Not Safe For Work (NSFW)

[goodkat]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.”

 

[punkpiper]

Anyone hear the one about the necrophiliac in love? it was all going rosy til the tw*t split on him.

 

[goodkat]

A monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them.
He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender looks at the guy and says, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is back, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender asks, "Did you see what your monkey did just now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to sh*t that cue ball out, he measures everything first now."

 

[pstlpkr]

:worship: :rofl:

 

[seanz]

:rofl: nice goodkat

 

[grouchy]

three pregnant women, blond, brunette and redhead were sitting in the doctors office for checkups. while the blond sat off in the corner alone, the other two noticed this and decided to have a little fun with her.

the brunette told the redhead that she was going to have a boy because she was on the bottom. following on qu, the redhead said she was going to have a girl because she was on top.

suddenly the blond burst into tears as she ran out of the room screamming i going to have a puppy!!

 

[kcvet67]

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD:

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2010-09-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason… my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan. She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb, after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc…).
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.

Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi,

Alex

 

[kcvet67]

Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch & you'll have to pee.
Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal & someone always answers.
Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet & who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies & stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers - I f there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness & cost of the carpet or rug.
Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson 's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

 

[grouchy]

portascat: ["Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a

horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse."
Is everybody clear on that?] :rofl:
"collection" is what its called. you may just have to visit your local horse breeding stable and see what Uncle Jack really does for a living.

ironcally funny, that is how some breeders still get the job 'handled', unfortunately leaving the mare's desire and seduction unfullfilled.

for the stud, its fun for him no matter how the 'collection is done'. he will follow Uncle Jack around like a puppy and not have the slightest clue about being "bi".

 

[shimrra]

The person you are picking up will be either outside waiting for you, or will come out once you turn your car off, but before you get out of it...
the easier it was to take apart, the harder it will be to get together
you will always have extra parts, and you will never know what they were for
the dirtier and greasier something is, the more likely it is what you need to fix.
if something is going to break down, it will always be at the worst time you can think of. such as on your way to your first day at a new job, not on the way home.

 

[kcvet67]

INTERESTING OBSERVATION:

1 The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

There must be a ton of people in Washington playing marbles!

 

[fullbent]

I set beside a lady the other day.After conversation,I ask what she looked for in a man.She said she liked ,Indians,because they had long penis.She then says she also liked Mexicans,They are big around as a beer can...We talked a bit more,and I got up to leave.She then says,"I did'nt catch your name." with a smile I told her,Tonto Rodrigez :rofl:

 

[goodkat]

An old Italian man lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden; but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received this letter from his son:
Dear Pop, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie
At 6 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie

 

[shimrra]

oh god, that's a good one!

 

[collindow]

A guy walks into a bar and sees a horse tending bar, apron and all, wiping out a glass. He stares at the horse for a minute without saying a word. The horse returns the stare and breaks the silence by asking, "Hey buddy, what's the matter? You can't believe that a horse can tend bar?" "No", the guys says, "I can't believe that the ferret sold the place."

 

[teddy]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZNU_F-DFaJw THE FUNNY BONE :rofl:

 

[matchstickman]

A man walks into a bar and sits down. Above the bar, he sees a sign that says, "Cheeseburger $2, Hot Dog $1, Beer $1.50, Hand Job $25." The man looks at the woman standing behind the bar. Drop dead gorgeous, huge rack, nice ass, blonde hair. He leans over the bar to her and beckons her over. He says to her in a soft voice, "I'm guessing you're the one that gives the handjobs?" The blonde woman flips her hair over her shoulder and says seductively, "Why, yes I am, handsome." The man leans back over the bar and says to her, "Good, go wash your fucking hands. I want a cheeseburger."

 

[pstlpkr]

:rofl:

 

[goodkat]

A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"

 

[spyder71]

This one is for UncleArther
So this skeleton walks in to a bar and the barkeep asks "Evening Mort, what can I get ya?" "My usual", replies Mort.

"Beer and a mop comin' right up!"