The Joke Thread: Not Safe For Work (NSFW)

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pipegangster

Junior Member
Dec 29, 2009
82
0
Upstate NY
I thought we should start a joke thread so one and all could share their favorite joke and brighten members day. I posted this thread "not safe for work" NSFW, because as all us adults know, jokes might be a tad risqué and I would not want anyone getting in trouble at work for opening this thread. With that ladies and gentlemen, I will get the ball rolling:
Brrriiinggg the bell rings at the whore house

A lady answers the door and there is a guy with no arms or legs and she says

What do you think that your going to do here

He says, "I rang the bell didn't I?!"

 

pipegangster

Junior Member
Dec 29, 2009
82
0
Upstate NY
A blonde, brunette and a red head are at the gynocologist. The brunette says "Im having a boy because I was on top." The red head says "well I'm having a girl because I was on the bottom." They both look over to the blonde and the blonde says "I guess I'm having a puppy."

 

pstlpkr

Preferred Member
Dec 14, 2009
9,738
2
Birmingham, AL
I don't know if this fits the string exactly but here goes....
THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:
1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:

Marrying you has screwed up my life.
2. I see your face when I am dreaming.

That's why I always wake up screaming.
3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;

This describes everything you are not.
4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,

But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.
5. I thought that I could love no other

-- that is until I met your brother.
6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's

empty and so is your head.
7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;

But don't take that paper bag off your face.
8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes

Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
9. My love, you take my breath away.

What have you stepped in to smell this way?
10. My feelings for you no words can tell,

Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'
11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?

Two parts vodka, one part lime.
WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING?

 

lozark

New member
Feb 26, 2010
4
0
A Priest, Rabbi, and Baptist minister were discussing their individual rapport with their congregations each bragging they were the best. Baptist minister says, only one way to solve this. We all go to the woods this week, find a black bear, and see how we can do converting him. All agreed that was a good test. Week later all met back at local diner and related: Priest said, I was very successful. Studied catechism with him, converted him, and coming for first communion next Sunday. Baptist minister said, I was also successful. Baptised Bear in the river and he is coming to Sunday School next Sunday. They looked over at the Rabbi lying there on a stretcher, bandaged, bleeding, and moaning. They said, my my Rabbi What happened. He replied, looking back on it I think I shouldn't have started with circumcision.

 

lozark

New member
Feb 26, 2010
4
0
A Priest, Rabbi, and Baptist minister were discussing their individual rapport with their congregations each bragging they were the best. Baptist minister says, only one way to solve this. We all go to the woods this week, find a black bear, and see how we can do converting him. All agreed that was a good test. Week later all met back at local diner and related: Priest said, I was very successful. Studied catechism with him, converted him, and coming for first communion next Sunday. Baptist minister said, I was also successful. Baptised Bear in the river and he is coming to Sunday School next Sunday. They looked over at the Rabbi lying there on a stretcher, bandaged, bleeding, and moaning. They said, my my Rabbi What happened. He replied, looking back on it I think I shouldn't have started with circumcision.

 

lozark

New member
Feb 26, 2010
4
0
Sorry that posted twice. new to the site and somehow hit post twice. Just read it once :) :)

 

pipegangster

Junior Member
Dec 29, 2009
82
0
Upstate NY
A guy says to his friend "I can't remeber if the doctor told me if my wife has AIDS or Alzheimer's". The guys friends says, "It's simple. Drive her to the other side of town. If she comes home, don't fu@# her."

 

pipegangster

Junior Member
Dec 29, 2009
82
0
Upstate NY
A guy is weaving down the road when a cop pulls him over. The cop says "Hey pal your wife fell out of the car a few blocks back." The guys says "Thank God. I thought I went deaf."

 

pipegangster

Junior Member
Dec 29, 2009
82
0
Upstate NY
Three blondes are in the woods. The first blonde says "These are deer tracks." The second blonde says "These are bear tracks." The third blonde says "No they are not. They are.....and they all get hit by the train.