The Joke Thread: Not Safe For Work (NSFW)
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I only have dead baby/Maddy McCann jokes commited to memory, I'm afraid. And I'm fairly sure they exceed any decent limits. Some good laughs here though!
:
Once you know the facts it's understandable;
So Arnold approaches Maria and says "Maria, the maid wants another raise, and Maria after a little thought says.... screw her.
The rest is history
So Arnold approaches Maria and says "Maria, the maid wants another raise, and Maria after a little thought says.... screw her.
The rest is history
Hey fullbent! Jeeze Louise: "Spooning Leads To Forkin" - that's a keeper. Priceless quote. I'm writing that one down!
Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best
> patients to operate on.
>
> The first surgeon, from New York , says, "I like to see accountants on
> my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside
> is numbered."
>
> The second, from Chicago , responds, "Yeah, but you should try
> electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
>
> The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, "No, I really think librarians
> are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
> The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like
> construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have
> a few parts left over."
>
> But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when he
> observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
> There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the
> head and the ass are interchangeable. "
> patients to operate on.
>
> The first surgeon, from New York , says, "I like to see accountants on
> my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside
> is numbered."
>
> The second, from Chicago , responds, "Yeah, but you should try
> electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
>
> The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, "No, I really think librarians
> are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
> The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like
> construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have
> a few parts left over."
>
> But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when he
> observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
> There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the
> head and the ass are interchangeable. "
A GREAT WEEKEND!!!!
A balding, (Pipe smoking) white haired man from Chebacco Lake in Florida , walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special. At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.''I know,' said the old man,'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'
A balding, (Pipe smoking) white haired man from Chebacco Lake in Florida , walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special. At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.''I know,' said the old man,'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'
I went to the doctor's office the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous!
She could sense I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a Professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out myself."
I said, "My wife claims my d*ck tastes funny..."
She could sense I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a Professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out myself."
I said, "My wife claims my d*ck tastes funny..."
In this world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more
people who send text messages and emails have forgotten the art of
capitalization.
For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the
statement below.
"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a
horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse."
Is everybody clear on that?
people who send text messages and emails have forgotten the art of
capitalization.
For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the
statement below.
"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a
horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse."
Is everybody clear on that?
I love this thread...
Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.
Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."
Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.
The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."
"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son.
"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."
Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.
Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."
Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.
The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."
"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son.
"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."
Service:
I became confused when I heard the word "Service" used with these agencies:
Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.
But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows. BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us. You are now as enlightened as I am.
I became confused when I heard the word "Service" used with these agencies:
Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.
But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows. BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us. You are now as enlightened as I am.
A little boy was at the State Fair with Grandpa when they got split up.
The kid wandered around for a bit until he found a security guard.
He said "Mr, I cant find my Grandpa"
The guard asked whats his name, and the kid says "Grandpa"
So, the guard asks "Whats he like?"
The kid says "Padron cigars, and nurses with big t!ts"
The kid wandered around for a bit until he found a security guard.
He said "Mr, I cant find my Grandpa"
The guard asked whats his name, and the kid says "Grandpa"
So, the guard asks "Whats he like?"
The kid says "Padron cigars, and nurses with big t!ts"
There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses; the results were pretty interesting:
30% of women think their ass is too fat.
10% of women think their ass is too skinny.
The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man and they wouldn't trade him for the world.
30% of women think their ass is too fat.
10% of women think their ass is too skinny.
The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man and they wouldn't trade him for the world.
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