The Joke Thread: Not Safe For Work (NSFW)

[buck67]

A married couple walked in to a sandal shop. The Jamaican said to
them, 'I have some special sandals I think you would be interested
in. Dey make you wild at sex.'
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after
what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need
them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, 'How
could sandals make you into a sex freak?'
The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'
So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave
in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he
got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in
many years!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him
violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own
pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.
The Jamaican then began screaming, 'You got dem on the wrong feet! ' :crazy:

 

[collindow]

Oh good God. Those're great, buck.

 

[bowhatchie]

Good ones Buck!!

 

[pstlpkr]

8O

 

[yoru]

That first ebaums world clip, the saturday night clip ( this one for ref http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/36250/) was great. Gave me a bit of headache trying to piece together that Spanish but worth it heh heh.
The two actually recent jokes were a riot Buck n.n.

 

[jlee]

From little miss J Lee:
What do you call a chicken who crosses the road, rolls around in the mud, and then crosses back across the road?
A dirty double crosser.

 

[pstlpkr]

THE TOILET SEAT
Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out.

After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
A bout that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament.

They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.

Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts.
Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to

free her. (Try to get a mental picture of this.)
Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying,"Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied, " Actually, I've seen lots of them. I've just never seen one mounted and framed."

 

[buck67]

Now You Know Your Tools
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat

metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and

flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which

you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the

workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and

hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say,

'Oh sh--!'
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of

blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor

touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board

principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable

motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal

your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.

If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense

welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable

objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the

wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood

projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after

you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly

under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut

good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash

can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of

everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or

for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your

shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips

screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to

convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your

palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket

you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used

as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the

object we are trying to hit. Also has the tendency to blacken finger nails.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard

cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents

such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector

magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful

for slicing work clothes and fingers in the way, but only while in use.
SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab

and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of

your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Hope you found this informative. It's coupled with a community service

project I am working on. There is no need to send me a thank you note.

 

[buck67]

Nudist Colony
A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.
The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, 'Did you call for me?'
The man replied, 'No, what do you mean?'
She said, 'You must be new here. Let me explain.
It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she lead him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel, eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.
Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted.
Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him. 'Did you call for me?' asked the hairy man. 'No, what do you mean?' replied the newcomer.
'You must be new,' answered the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.
The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she asked.
'Here 's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'
'But Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities.'
'Listen lady,' he replied, 'I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day.
I'm outta here.'

 

[unclearthur]

Then there was the midget who was thrown out of the nudest colony because he always had his nose in everyone's business.

 

[buck67]

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."

"Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen. I've changed my will five times.

 

[buck67]

Rose accompanied her husband Tom to his annual checkup. While Tom was getting dressed, the doctor came out and said to Rose, “I don’t like the way he looks.” “Neither do I,” she said. “But he’s handy around the house.” :laughat: :crying:

 

[kcvet67]

New Zealand Fire Fighters
One dark night outside a small town near Christchurch , a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, 'All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved. I will give

$50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.'
But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire station who could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Maori rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Maoris over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.

Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the Maori old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides.

It was a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked

over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters..
The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, 'What are you going to do with all that money?'
'Well,' said Rangi, the 70-year-old fire chief, 'The first thing we gonna do is fix the brakes on that f***ing truck!'

 

[buck67]

Best Military Quote of the Day
"When I joined the military it was a court martial offense to engage

in homosexual activities; 8O

Then it became optional. I'm getting out before Obama makes it mandatory."
----Gunnery Sgt Harry Berres, USMC :clap:

 

[unclearthur]

An elderly gent goes to the Dr. He says Doc I have to have my sex drive lowered!!

The Doctor says But Jed you are 91 years old , It's all in your head.

Old Jed says . Yeah I know! That's why I need it lowered!!

 

[unclearthur]

And then there is the old boy who assaulted a young girl.

He was convicted of assault with a dead weapon.

 

[igloo]

<br />

 

[buck67]

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise."

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises

slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around

before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.

He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes

looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is

happening,

and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
You're going to love this..................
You're going to hate yourself for loving this!
"Ah! So solly," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck!"

 

[abecox]

If one wanted to, the graph of everything wrong I've done over time could be represented by a sin curve.

 

[patiobum]

Here is a video of fishing bloopers.
http://www.snotr.com/video/5987