The Joke Thread: Not Safe For Work (NSFW)

[nyed001]

This is one my mother sent to me.

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: October 16, 2005
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!

 

[pstlpkr]

An "Oldie but a Goodie" :lol:

 

[bubbadreier]

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

 

[hauntedmyst]

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

lol nice one!

 

[bowhatchie]

A five year old boy found himself lost at the mall.... after searching for his grandfather for a while he spied a mall security guard.... the small tyke approached him and said.. mister I have lost my Grandpa...oh year the guard say.. what's he like?

the boy replied... Jack Daniels and women with big Boobs..

 

[bowhatchie]

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'
Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'
'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ..... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

 

[pstlpkr]

:rofl:
Nothing like a good drunk joke.

 

[ichbinmuede]

Three-legged dog walks in to a bar.

Dog says, "I'm lookin' fer the man who shot my paw."
Hah alright now a dirtier one.
A man is sitting in his favourite bar having a nice cool beverage when this comely gal comes in. She looks around the room and spots him and knows she can make a buck off of him. So she walks over, puts her hand on his thigh, and whispers in his ear "If you give me $50 I'll do anything you want."
Now the man is naturally put a little off balance but he starts thinking and a smile finds it's way on to his face.
The man takes a fifty out of his wallet, leans in close, slips it in her back pocket, and whispers....
"Paint my house."

 

[greggors]

Everyone has prob heard this one but its so bad just wanted to say it.
Two guys walk into a bar, third guy ducks...

 

[pstlpkr]

Two guys walk into a bar, third guy ducks...

:rofl:
That's my kinda joke!

 

[marmal4de]

A dyslexic walks into a bra... Ouch!

 

[collindow]

A woman walks into a bar, and asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender says, "get back in the kitchen."
And a VERY racist joke from Gran Torino(great movie)...A mexican, an asian and a colored guy walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get the f--- out."

 

[pstlpkr]

The War Department sent me this.

Sorry Ladies it is a Male Sexist Pig Joke.
Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women.

#10. You can trade an old 45 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he'll let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo!

#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A gun doesn't ask , 'Do these new grips make me look fat?

#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

The number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....
#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN!

::

 

[jcsoldit]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!' :D

 

[jcsoldit]

Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

 

[hobie1dog]

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A battery has a positive side.

 

[pstlpkr]

The Irish Millionaire.
Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.
"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million pounds you've only got one life-line left phone a friend. "

Everything is riding on this question..... Will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo?"
"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,''so I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple...... It's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm fookin sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go wit Cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is, Sir."
There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy?

How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
"Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"

 

[kashmir]

Jesus! I've never laughed so hard and long in my life. Thanks I NEEDED that! Whew.

 

[fullbent]

A lot of people ask where the saying "You gotta be kiddin' me" came from. Here's the story behind it....
Way back, George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops. They were packed into the boats.It was extremely dark and storming furiously. The water was tossing them back and forth. Finally Washington grabbed Corporal Peters and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it so they could see where they were heading. Corporal Peters stood up braving the wind and driving rain, swinging the lantern back and forth. A while later a big gust of wind hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware.Washington and his troops searched for hours trying to find Corporal Peters but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one their favorites.
An hour later Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them they must go on. After awhile, Washington and his men could go no further.
One of his men said, "General, I see lights ahead." They trudged towards the lights and came upon a huge house there in the woods. What they didn't know was this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all who came.
General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.
The door swung open and the madam looked out to see Washington and all his men. A huge smile came across her face to see so many men standing there.
Washington spoke up, "Ma'am, I'm General George Washington and these are my men. We're tired and exhausted and desperately need warmth and comfort for a while.
Again the Madam looked at all the men standing there and with a broad smile on her face said, "Well General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?"
Washington said, "Well ma'am, there are thirty two of us without Peters."
She looked at him and said: "You gotta be kiddin' me."

 

[pstlpkr]

:rofl: