The Joke Thread: Not Safe For Work (NSFW)
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A teacher gave her kids life savors, The children began to identify the flavors by the color red~~Cherry** Yellow ~~Lemon**Green ~~Lime**Orange~~Orange ~ Finally the teacher gave them all Honey lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste. She said ,"I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, "oh my God! They're ass-holes! Spit um out!!!
I met a fairy today that said she would grant me one wish.
"I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"
"Fine," I said, "then I want to die after Congress get their heads out of their asses!"
"You're a crafty bastard," said the fairy.
"I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"
"Fine," I said, "then I want to die after Congress get their heads out of their asses!"
"You're a crafty bastard," said the fairy.
Some doctor on tv this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around the house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished. I finished off a bottle of Vodka, a bottle of Baile...ys, a bodle of wum, a pock of Prungles, 1/2 chesecke an a bocs a choczlet. Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feeel now. Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fel ar in ned ov innr pees
A man gets up one morning to find his wife in the kitchen, cooking. He sees one of his socks in the frying pan. "What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed drunk," she replied.
Puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock."
"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed drunk," she replied.
Puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock."
So this pirate walks into a bar, and goes to the bartender to order a drink. The bartender says sure, but he has to ask him a question first. The pirate nods in approval, and the bartender asks why the pirate has a steering wheel over his crotch. Pirate says in reply, "Arrr, I dunno, but it's drivin' me nuts"
At the end of the tax year, the IRD office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRD agent was checking the books he turned to the CEO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"
"Good question," noted the CEO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
"Ah, yes," replied the CEO, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question . "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CEO.. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CEO. "We save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRD Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
"Good question," noted the CEO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
"Ah, yes," replied the CEO, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question . "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CEO.. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CEO. "We save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRD Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
A 92 year old man went to the doctor one day. The doctor performed his checkup and after all was said and done, the doctor looked at the man and said, "Sir, at 92 years of age you are in the peak of physical health. You are an absolutely perfect specimen. Tell me sir, how are things in your life right now? How is your relationship with your wife?" The 92 year old man replied, "Doctor, not only do I have a great relationship with my wife, but I have developed a great relationship with God. See, God knows that I am losing my eyesight. But he has taken mercy on me, and when I get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, God turns on the bathroom light for me. When my business is done, I leave the bathroom, and God turns the light back off for me." The doctor, astounded, calls the mans wife. "Maam, your husband is not only in perfect physical condition, but he also told me of his relationship with God. Now, maam, is it really true that God turns the light on for him when he goes to the bathroom and then turns the light off after he leaves the bathroom?" The wife lets out a heavy sigh on the phone and tells the doctor, "Aw damnit, hes pissing the refrigerator again."
So I was hanging out with my friend at his place when he tells starts telling this story.
"So I was with my last girfriend a few months ago, and I had just drove to her house to say hi. However, her sister just informed me that she had left a few seconds ago to go to the store, but I could come in. Now mind you, while she was pretty, her sister was smoking hot. Like, you could light cigarettes off of this woman.
"Anyways, I sit down, and her sister says: 'You know, she'll be gone for a while. If you want me, I'll be upstairs. Our little secret.'
"I run out to my car, and as I sit down in the drivers seat I feel a great big hug. Its my girlfriend! 'Oh Jake! You passed! I love you!' She plants a big smooch on my cheek as I close the glove box with my free hand.
"The moral of the story is that you always keep your condoms in your car!"
"So I was with my last girfriend a few months ago, and I had just drove to her house to say hi. However, her sister just informed me that she had left a few seconds ago to go to the store, but I could come in. Now mind you, while she was pretty, her sister was smoking hot. Like, you could light cigarettes off of this woman.
"Anyways, I sit down, and her sister says: 'You know, she'll be gone for a while. If you want me, I'll be upstairs. Our little secret.'
"I run out to my car, and as I sit down in the drivers seat I feel a great big hug. Its my girlfriend! 'Oh Jake! You passed! I love you!' She plants a big smooch on my cheek as I close the glove box with my free hand.
"The moral of the story is that you always keep your condoms in your car!"
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