A Bar Exam for Pipesmokers

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May 9, 2021
1,660
3,535
55
Geoje Island South Korea
When your wife asks you for the umpteenth time why you need "so many pipes" you:

A: Close your laptop so she doesn't see what you were looking at.
B: Engage her in a conversation on the finer points of chamber diameter, pipe shapes, materials, and resting briar between smokes.
C: Ask her what she wants for her birthday.
D: Stare her down as you click on the place order button.
Laugh out loud water fountain through the nose, kinda thing happened reading the last point!
 

Peterson314

Can't Leave
Sep 13, 2019
427
3,215
You just filled your bowl, and now it's go-time. How do you light your pipe?

A) Zippo, but with that fancy pipe insert only old codgers know about. You've earned your place amongst the pipe community because this sacred knowledge was passed down to you, and now the proper insert sits in your lighter with that naked woman silhouette that you usually see on mud flaps. Spin the wheel and place the flame over your bowl and inhale to get that sweet, delicious lighter fluid topping. It'll work in a hurricane, as long as you filled it up any time within the past 6 hours. It's the only way.

B) Fell a tree and chop it up to get that perfect hickory splint to stick in a bonfire to light your bowl. You're standing in the woods in your flannel holding an axe, so you might as well put it to use. That's how your great-great-grandfather lit his pipe, he said it's the best way to do it, and nobody'll dare call him a liar because you're holding an axe. It's the only way.

C) IM Corona Old Boy. You don't know whether to say "I'm" or "Eye Emm", so you just call it a Corona. It probably has gas, but you never worry about it because you bought the Big Can of butane back sometime when there was only one President Bush so you've still got about 80% of the tank left. Just think about spinning the igniter, and that perfect little flame pops out the side and stays long enough to even get Molto Dolce lit. You find a nice spot away from wind or other people breathing or birds flapping or gnats farting and you get your perfect char light. Light tamp with a golf tee and let her rip. It's the only way.

D) Bic EZ Reach. They're like $3. It's the only way.
 
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Peterson314

Can't Leave
Sep 13, 2019
427
3,215
You just bought a pipe. It was a little more money than you wanted to spend, but it is the dream pipe you've been thinking about for months. It's always been too expensive, but the last time you drank the courage to hit the Check Out button, the damn pipe sold out from under you. A new one popped up and it's even nicer than the one that got away! It won't get away a second time. Plus, you've been working hard and you deserve to treat yourself, and it's so nice that it might just be the last pipe you ever buy. Do you:

A) Check out what's Fresh on Smoking Pipes.
 

Peterson314

Can't Leave
Sep 13, 2019
427
3,215
The best part about Christmas is:

A) Christmas Pipes! Peterson, Savinelli, even Tinsky's. I want my stem red and green!
B) Christmas Blends! Cringle Flake; Christmas Past, Present, and Future; Figgy Pudding. It's all good!
C) Gawith Drops! I don't even know what Kendal Cream Flake is, but I have 5 pounds of it!
D) Esoterica Drops! I mean, I didn't get any, but it's nice to see pretty pictures of Stonehaven!
D) Spending time with family or whatever.
 
Jun 18, 2020
3,798
13,538
Wilmington, NC
The best part about Christmas is:

A) Christmas Pipes! Peterson, Savinelli, even Tinsky's. I want my stem red and green!
B) Christmas Blends! Cringle Flake; Christmas Past, Present, and Future; Figgy Pudding. It's all good!
C) Gawith Drops! I don't even know what Kendal Cream Flake is, but I have 5 pounds of it!
D) Esoterica Drops! I mean, I didn't get any, but it's nice to see pretty pictures of Stonehaven!
D) Spending time with family or whatever.
E. The Secret Santa Thread