The Joke Thread: Not Safe For Work (NSFW)
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Lawrence, I've not laughed that loud or that often at video in quite a while. Thanks for that nugget of fun. :lol:
Ok, you asked for it. Here are some I think are a good laugh... Some appear as a screen and others just show up as the URL... be sure to click them too. enjoy!
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/209460/
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/179560/
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cpIj6zyehOU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-QNEwhFZvQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ouasEujAg8
http://madelinecake.pixnet.net/album/video/81349814
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DVU5bZpchQ0
Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,
not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
in hopes that St. Nicolas soon would be there.
When suddenly up on the roof, there a'rose such a clatter,
I jumped up from my bed, to see what was the matter.
I ran down the stairs, and what did I find?
a big fat elf smoke'n in my living room, ...must be out of his mind.
I yelled HEY! get out of here with that pipe,
You're stinkin' up my house, and that ain't just no hype.
I'll get the Lung Association, and Heart Association and ANR in your face,
I'll make a few calls, and even get Repace!
and I'll bet you didn't even pay taxes on the weed in that thing,
when the attorney general gets done with you, you'll end up in Sing Sing.
and the FAA says you can't smoke on your sleigh,
It's a regularly scheduled flight, even if it's for only one day.
and the law says you can't smoke, in your workshop at all,
the Dept. of Health will fine you, when I give em' a call.
So get out of here with that thing, and don't ever come back,
or ASH will rip it out of your mouth, and shove it up your crack.
Next year Tobacco-free Kids will deliver our gift,
you're banished from Christmas, do you get my drift?
and I heard him exclaim, as he rode out of sight,
Merry Christmas to all! 'cept the dork on my right.
not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
in hopes that St. Nicolas soon would be there.
When suddenly up on the roof, there a'rose such a clatter,
I jumped up from my bed, to see what was the matter.
I ran down the stairs, and what did I find?
a big fat elf smoke'n in my living room, ...must be out of his mind.
I yelled HEY! get out of here with that pipe,
You're stinkin' up my house, and that ain't just no hype.
I'll get the Lung Association, and Heart Association and ANR in your face,
I'll make a few calls, and even get Repace!
and I'll bet you didn't even pay taxes on the weed in that thing,
when the attorney general gets done with you, you'll end up in Sing Sing.
and the FAA says you can't smoke on your sleigh,
It's a regularly scheduled flight, even if it's for only one day.
and the law says you can't smoke, in your workshop at all,
the Dept. of Health will fine you, when I give em' a call.
So get out of here with that thing, and don't ever come back,
or ASH will rip it out of your mouth, and shove it up your crack.
Next year Tobacco-free Kids will deliver our gift,
you're banished from Christmas, do you get my drift?
and I heard him exclaim, as he rode out of sight,
Merry Christmas to all! 'cept the dork on my right.
Lawrence, I LMFAO!!!!!!!!!! at that Hitler video. OMG that's so funny.
To embed YouTube videos guys, don't use the YouTube embed code.
We have a plugin here so all you have to do is put the link and it will create the embed.
To embed YouTube videos guys, don't use the YouTube embed code.
We have a plugin here so all you have to do is put the link and it will create the embed.
Greater Tuna
Here is a video of a play Greater Tuna that has been performed by 2 actors since '81.
My wife and I went to see Tuna Christmas yesterday in Galveston. these guys are great, enjoy.
" If Dee Dee's can't kill it.......it's immortal "
Here is a video of a play Greater Tuna that has been performed by 2 actors since '81.
My wife and I went to see Tuna Christmas yesterday in Galveston. these guys are great, enjoy.
" If Dee Dee's can't kill it.......it's immortal "
Oh To Be 12 Again...
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her 60th birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,
and then took her to Alton Towers theme park.
What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a Mc Donald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets......M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,
Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her 60th birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,
and then took her to Alton Towers theme park.
What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a Mc Donald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets......M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,
Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
Hear, Hear !!! Yo, what you said!! You got that right!! I hear that! I can relate! So true, so true!! I'm down with that !! 8)
The wife and I got to see Jeff Dunham whenever he's in town.
Walter on Marriage:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1kXOg23pGeA
Walter on Marriage:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1kXOg23pGeA
Please, take care of yourself. A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.
This means that the remaining 77% are caused by assholes who just drink coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, yogurts, and stuff like that.
Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents. This message is sent by someone who worries about your well being.
This means that the remaining 77% are caused by assholes who just drink coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, yogurts, and stuff like that.
Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents. This message is sent by someone who worries about your well being.
Thank you KC for being such a conscientious individual.
Since I will finish another year of life before the turn of the New Year, I will observe the recommendation above and drink more alcohol.......
The best thing about having an end of the year birthday.... My driver's license expires on New Year's Eve, and I cannot (by default) be a designated driver. :nana:
Since I will finish another year of life before the turn of the New Year, I will observe the recommendation above and drink more alcohol.......
The best thing about having an end of the year birthday.... My driver's license expires on New Year's Eve, and I cannot (by default) be a designated driver. :nana:
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman Passed over a bridge, only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side, lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love .... Asked "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher", she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum Stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly, but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun, and park him behind a bridge ...."
Ticket ............................. $195.00
Court Costs ......................$ 45.00
Look On Cop's Face ...... Priceless
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love .... Asked "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher", she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum Stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly, but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun, and park him behind a bridge ...."
Ticket ............................. $195.00
Court Costs ......................$ 45.00
Look On Cop's Face ...... Priceless
The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution to this issue. What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again. This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U.S. Forest Service. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said; "Son, I don't think you understand our problem here... these coyotes ain't fu**in' our sheep... they're eatin' 'em!" The meeting never really got back to order. . . :mrgreen:
Splinters in her Crotch
A woman from Los Angeles , CA , who was a tree hugger, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville , WA . On the highst point on the tract there was a very large tree. Wanting a good view of the natural splendor of her land she started to climb this tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her and in her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried the Mt. Carmel ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
After waiting three hours before the doctor reappeared, the angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but due to Obama Care, they turned me down." :lol:
A woman from Los Angeles , CA , who was a tree hugger, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville , WA . On the highst point on the tract there was a very large tree. Wanting a good view of the natural splendor of her land she started to climb this tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her and in her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried the Mt. Carmel ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
After waiting three hours before the doctor reappeared, the angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but due to Obama Care, they turned me down." :lol:
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