The Joke Thread: Not Safe For Work (NSFW)

[pstlpkr]

I'm cursed today. I now have 8 women in the house.

Don't get me wrong, I love women.
So, when asked if I minded making a trip to the ATM, I swiftly consented.

I drive to the ATM with no drama. Then......

The line of 4 cars moving well...I'm #5.

The car in front of me (#4) pulls up to the ATM.

The door opens out steps a woman.

She puts her purse on the top of the ATM and rumages for her card.

She finds it, and puts her wallet into the purse, and the purse back into the car.

She puts her card into the ATM, retrieves it, opens her car door, takes her purse out, places it on top of the ATM, finds her wallet, puts the card into the wallet, puts the wallet back into her purse, put the purse back into the car...

Attempts to enter her PIN.... (I assume a flag was thrown for Delay of Game)....
Soooooo....
She opens her car door and retrieves her purse... again...

She puts her purse on the top of the ATM and rumages for her card.

She finds it, and puts her wallet into the purse, and the purse back into the car.

She puts her card in, retrieves it, opens her car door, takes her purse out, places on top of the ATM, finds her wallet, puts the card into the wallet, puts the wallet back into her purse, put the purse back into the car...
She enters her PIN, and this time (The coach having giving her a do-over) actually retrieves some cash...

She retrieves her purse from the car puts it on the ATM and proceeds to put the money and the receipt into her wallet, the wallet into the purse, the purse into the car, she actually gets into the car, buckles up, starts the car, puts it into gear, and drives off into infamy.
Women and ATMs gotta' lov'em.
Here she is:

 

[bytor]

Jeez...I'm pretty sure my head would have exploded watching that.
This is exactly why I avoid drive-up anything if at all possible. I would much rather park and go inside.

 

[cortezattic]

What frightens me most is that this bimbo idiot is allowed to drive a car!
Well, look at it this way... the upside is that she didn't need the braille embossed in the ATM's faceplate.

 

[greggors]

wow kinda defeats the purpose of a drive through! XD

 

[pstlpkr]

It was just too funny to get perturbed.

 

[greggors]

a few oldies but goodies =D
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

_______________________________________________________________________________________
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.
The Russians used a pencil.

_______________________________________________________________________________________
A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist made some quick calculations, he said “it's no good trying to outrun it, its catching up”.
The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied “I am not trying to outrun the lion, I am trying to outrun you !”

 

[dd951]

Yesterday I went to my heart doctor,

I was sitting in the room when she came in

she ask me to stand up

she walked behind me and tapped me A couple of times on the back with her fingers

then she ask me to take A couple of deep breaths while she listened

she walked in front of me and said

jerry, you are going to have to stop masterbating

I ask her why,

she said, because I am trying to examine you.

 

[searock]

A sadist and a masocist met on the street. The masocist said "Hit me.", the sadist said "I won't".

 

[kcvet67]

The Logic of the Great Whites:

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied a ship in distress.

"Follow me, son," the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the ship.

"First we swim around the people in the water with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"

 

[seakayak]

A woman is walking up the street with a duck under her arm. A man approaches and asks, "Where did you get the pig?" The woman says, "It's not a pig. It's a duck." The man says, "I know. I was talking to the duck."

 

[reddazes]

It's a long one...I apologize. It was something I got in a chain e-mail a long time ago and it made me laugh till I cried... I hope you enjoy it too..
------------

My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes.

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for Toni. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out-way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that?

Seemed reasonable to me at the time. . .
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"
Friggin' way; trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight; always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?) I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY SHIT!
DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Venturaran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, Please do it again!" (Note: if you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-BITCH that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

Film at eleven....

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself.

Miss 'em; sure would like to get 'em back...

 

[kcvet67]

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at her.

The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid "Got stoned once and screwed a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my daughter."

 

[bowhatchie]

 

[patiobum]

A heartwarming example of a Texan trying to help.
I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River near Laredo this morning.

He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying.With him was an illegal Hispanic.

He too, was struggling to stay afloat because of the backpack of drugs strapped to his back.

If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown!

I, being a responsible citizen, informed the Webb County Sheriff's Office and Homeland Security.

It is now 4pm and they still haven't responded.

I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps...

 

[pstlpkr]

 

[buck67]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.

She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

 

[buck67]

A guy is passing a Mental Hospital surrounded by a wall and he hears the chanting inside, Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen! Curious to see what’s going on he finds a small hole in the wall, so he bends and peeks inside. Someone inside pokes him hard in the eye and everyone starts inside chanting, Fourteen! Fourtee! Fourteen!

 

[buck67]

A head-on collision occurred between a man and a woman. Both emerged from the scene intact. The woman said, "This is quite a predicament. We should drink a toast to celebrate this miracle." The man replied, "What a great idea; I just happen to have a bottle with me." The man downed half the bottle. The woman would not... take it and said, "I think I will wait until after the police arrive to celebrate.

 

[seakayak]

Q. What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

A. A porcupine has all the little pricks on the outside.

 

[collin]

A skeleton walks into a bar.....orders a beer...and a mop.