I have a couple.
First joke:
A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the
hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see
him. "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The
bad news is that I have to remove your right arm !"
"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's
arm! I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."
"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course
when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm ?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great" says the business man. "I'm playing the best golf of my
life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
"That's great," said the surgeon.
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved,
I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting
landscapes in watercolors"
"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant
was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, just one problem," said the golfer, "everytime I get an erection,
I also get a headache."
Second Joke:
The Five Questions Most Feared by Men:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat in this?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed to explode
into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a
public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
Question #1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just
reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman
you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer,
which most likely is one of the following:
a. "Football."
b. "Golf."
c. "How fat you are."
d. "How I would spend the insurance money if you died."
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg,
"If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"
Question #2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "Yes!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include:
a. "Oh yeah, shitloads."
b. "Would it make you feel better if I said yes?"
c. "That depends on what you mean by love."
d. "Does it matter?"
e. "Who, me?"
Question #3: Do I look fat in this?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect answers are:
a. "Compared to what?"
b. "I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin."
c. "A little extra weight looks good on you."
d. "I've seen fatter."
e. "Sorry, what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died."
Question #4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:
a. "Yes, but you have a better personality."
b. "Not prettier, but definitely thinner."
c. "Not as pretty as you when you were her age."
d. "Define pretty."
e. "Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would
spend the insurance money if you died."
Question #5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Ferrari and a boat with the insurance money.")
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines:
Woman: Would you get married again?
Man: Definitely not!
Woman: Why not? Don't you like being married?
Man: Of course I do.
Woman: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
Man: Okay, I'd get married again.
Woman: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)
Man: (audible groan)
Woman: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Man: Where else would we sleep?
Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
Man: She can't use them -- she's left-handed.
Woman: (silence)
Man: Shit.
