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pstlpkr

Lifer
Dec 14, 2009
9,694
31
Birmingham, AL
Since Photo's have been so popular recently, I decided to post some of my favorite pictures. Just some observations on society, education, technology, and smoking.
Starting with Adobe Photo Shop..... and it's down hill from there.
AdobePhotoShop.jpg

08-648552856.jpg

490.jpg

583.jpg

477.jpg


 

buck67

Can't Leave
Aug 4, 2010
448
1
Little Rock
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

 

pstlpkr

Lifer
Dec 14, 2009
9,694
31
Birmingham, AL
How to Start a Fight
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she

kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we

split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she

processed my Social Security application..

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

 

pstlpkr

Lifer
Dec 14, 2009
9,694
31
Birmingham, AL
Hollywood Squares:
These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. When a man falls off a boat, you tell "Man overboard!" What do you yell if a woman falls overboard?

A. Paul Lynde: Full speed ahead!!
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and youthink that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency....
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty....
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

A.. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget..
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A.. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries Are you going to get any during the first year?

A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q.. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q.. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A.. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

 

buck67

Can't Leave
Aug 4, 2010
448
1
Little Rock
Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over a 100 miles per hour.

Hey, asked the brunette at the wheel, see any cops following us?

The blonde turned around for a long look. As a matter of fact, I do.

Oh, NOOOO! yelled the brunette. Are his flashers on?

The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup......nope...yup..."

 

buck67

Can't Leave
Aug 4, 2010
448
1
Little Rock
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately

needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my

gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,

...and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

 
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pstlpkr

Lifer
Dec 14, 2009
9,694
31
Birmingham, AL
For all us "Cow Pasture Pool Players".
A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind of makes you proud doesn't it?

 

buck67

Can't Leave
Aug 4, 2010
448
1
Little Rock
In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.
In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

 

robs

Starting to Get Obsessed
Sep 1, 2010
157
1
As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.
Harold Schlumberg is such a person.
I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired'?
"Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into urine."
Harold should be an inspiration to all of us.

 

mlaug

Part of the Furniture Now
May 23, 2010
908
3
Iowa
INEXPERIENCED CHILI JUDGE
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting

Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a

judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last

moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking

directions to the beer wagon, when the call came.
I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili

wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free

beer during the tasting. So I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
_________________________________________________________
CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried

paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope

that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
_________________________________________________________
CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken

seriously.
FRANK: This should be labeled "Keep out of the reach of children". I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to

give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

__________________________________________________________
CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I

have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now: get me more

beer before I ignite. I think I stopped breathing. A huge barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.

I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.

____________________________________________________________
CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or

other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Note: I wish Judge Three would stop screaming. Its very distracting.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to

taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was

standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch is starting to

look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an

aphrodisiac?
_______________________________________________________
CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding

considerable kick. Very Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit

the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can

no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed

paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili

had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring

beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off?

It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Screw those rednecks!

________________________________________________________
CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice

and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.

Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,

sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat

through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that

slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips

anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

___________________________________________________
CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of

chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried

about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is

cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't

feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like

it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid

unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my

damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've

decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it. I'm not getting

any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch

hole in my stomach.

____________________________________________________
CHILI # 8 LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED-HOT LOVER'S CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,

not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor

hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed

out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure

if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a

really hot chili?

 
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buck67

Can't Leave
Aug 4, 2010
448
1
Little Rock
dudley, nice collection. My wife and I picked our jalepenos yesterday. We stuffed some with cheddar and baked for a few minutes and stuffed the rest with ranch dressing. Good stuff with homemade potato soup and grilled cheese sandwich. Just one suggestion, always wear gloves when cleaning. I found out the hard way recently while cleaning a batch. Everything, and I mean everything, that I touched was on fire!!! :)

 

dudleydipstick

Can't Leave
Dec 13, 2009
410
2
Pstlpkr wrote:

Hey Dudley... What time's supper?

Looks like a good side salad, what's the main course?
With some of those bad boys, it doesn't matter what the meal is, it just tastes like burn.
Buck67 wrote:

Just one suggestion, always wear gloves when cleaning. I found out the hard way recently while cleaning a batch. Everything, and I mean everything, that I touched was on fire!!! :)
I definitely know what you mean...about everything. Chopping them up when they're dried is even worse, since the concentrated oils stick around longer.

 
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