The Joke Thread: Not Safe For Work (NSFW)

[jcsoldit]

OH HELL ... Let's Just Offend Everybody
Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?

A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.
Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A. A different bar.
Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?

A. Sum Ting Wong .
Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A. A speech impediment.
Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?

A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.
Q. Why do Driver's Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?

A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal ... along with a recipe.
Q. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?

A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'
Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???

A. A northern fairytale begins, ...'Once upon a time...'

A southern fairytale begins, ... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.'
Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump, or swim are already in the United

States

 

[jonesing]

Good ones JC.
Let's offend ourselves.
How many pipe smokers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
All of them
1 to change the bulb while the rest discuss the exquisite curvature of the bulb's globe and whether the cast light will be reminiscent of sunrise on a foggy meadow or will rather bring to mind 12:00 noon sharp on cloudless day in the south of France.
By the way I'm late to this party.
Dudley: The crib death one is simply outstanding. Nice work.

 

[unclearthur]

Then there is the Italian tire:

Dago through mud.

Dago through snow.

Dago through rain.

When dago flat dago wop wop wop.

 

[jonesing]

OK.
Since we already offended everyone.
A Priest and a Rabbi are walking down the street just as the Young Boys Academy is letting out.
The priest casts his gaze at one particularly angelic looking little boy and says "Damn I'd sure like to screw him."
The rabbi immediately asks "out of how much money?"

 

[dudleydipstick]

How do you get your dog to stop humping your leg?
Roll him over and beat him off.
Even with the way this thread has turned, I'm afraid to post about every joke I ever heard as a kid that wasn't about sex.

 

[pstlpkr]

What's twelve inches high and has a rubber on it?
A Pitcher's mound.

 

[cortezattic]

George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play;

bring a friend...if you have one.

Winston Churchill, in response

Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second...if there is one.

 

[dunendain]

Our immigration policy.

 

[raftergtex]

Well, if we are going to start in on Churchill quotes, this is the best:
Bessie Braddock: Winston, you are drunk, and what's more, you are disgustingly drunk.
Churchill: Bessie, my dear, you are ugly, and what's more, you are disgustingly ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober and you will still be disgustingly ugly.

 

[cobsandclays]

Reminded me of PstlPkr, for obvious reasons and made me chuckle:

 

[pstlpkr]

I love it!

 

[pstlpkr]

Hey Phil.... I ain't no p...... kitty cat.

 

[cobsandclays]

In order, the animation is Pstl, me, a new guy who found the pipe babes page, and the cat just found out that you can't have tobacco shipped into WA. :D

 

[pstlpkr]

Just thought this was cool.
Voted best illusion of 2010.
Wooden Magnets

 

[jcsoldit]

"Lifesavers" The Candy With The Little Hole
Mrs. Smith wanted to test her theory that children began to identify the flavors of candy by their color:
Red.....................Cherry
Yellow..................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange ...............Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, I will give you all a clue. It's what your Mother may sometimes call your Father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!
The teacher had to leave the room!

 

[wagnon85]

I saw this variation on a well-known nursery rhyme scribbled on the wall of the bathroom at Boy Scout camp almost 30 years ago, but it's still etched in my mind, so much so that when I am reading to my kids, sometimes I almost slip:
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard

To get her poor dog a bone

But when she bent over

Rover took over

and Behold, he had a bone of his own

 

[pstlpkr]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jx8kh0ZOqMQ&feature=player_embedded

 

[pstlpkr]

I don't care how bad the economy is.

If I had this job.... I'd quit.

 

[pstlpkr]

Things aren't always what they seem.
I love optical illusions.

 

[pstlpkr]

This is a male sexist pig joke: (So naturally I had to share it.)
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.

The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two

buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget

about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just

want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee

time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have

time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave

man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the

pain."
So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him.