The Joke Thread: Not Safe For Work (NSFW)

[crazypipe]

Conclave
Around the year 900, about 1,113 years ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy.
There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal: he'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won the debate , they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, all the Jewish people would have to convert or leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, all agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi sat opposite each other.
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The Rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself clearly beaten, and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.
Later the Cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.
The Pope said, "Firstly, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.
The Rabbi responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only ONE God who is common to both our faiths.
Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us.
The Rabbi responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also RIGHT HERE with us.
I pulled out the wine and host to show that through the perfect sacrifice, Jesus has atoned for our sins, but the Rabbi pulled out an apple to remind me of the ORIGINAL SIN. He beat me at every move, and I could not continue."
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he'd managed to win.
"I haven't a clue," said the Rabbi. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.
Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, but I told him emphatically that we were staying right here."
"And then what?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."

 

[crazypipe]

Live better... work union?
A union boss at a convention in Las Vegas decides to visit a brothel. He asks the madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry, it isn't." she says.
"Well, if I pay $100, what does the girl get?" he asks.
"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."
Mightily offended by such unfair dealings, the man stomps off in search of a more equitable shop. Finally, he reaches another brothel.
The man asks the madam says, "If I pay $100, what does the girl get?"
"The girl gets $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" exclaims the man. He looks around the room and points out a gorgeous red head. "I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir," replies the madam, while gesturing towards a 70 year old woman in the corner, "but, Ethel here has seniority."

 

[zonomo]

two scores Teddy!

 

[crazypipe]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

 

[crazypipe]

The Agony of Aging
Subject: The Agony of Aging
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended, I stopped in to visit my aging friend .
He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You dumb shit! - You're supposed to turn your clock back".

 

[phoenix]

Here's one for y'all and I hope nobody is offended.
An old Jewish man owned a nail company and was needing some promotion work done, so he hired his son who was in an advertising agency. The old man wanted a big billboard that promoted Goldberg nails, so the son set off to work. A few weeks later, the son called his father to let him know that the billboard was finished. The old man went with his son to see his promotion. On the billboard was a picture of Jesus on the cross with the caption "Even back then they used Goldberg nails", to which the father reprimanded his son saying that this would cause offense to their christian customers. So, the son set off again to do promotion for his father's nail company. After a few weeks, the son called his father again to let him know that the billboard was done. The old man went to see the billboard. Pictured was Jesus in a heap at the foot of the cross with the caption," this wouldn't have happened with Goldberg Nails."

 

[tbradsim1]

Two very young boys playing one says I found a rubber on the Patio, the other says What"s a Patio! The old cajun

 

[gnatjulio]

Limerick in a Meerschaum

 

[phoenix]

An elderly woman got sick and tired of her husband farting uncontrolably every morning when he woke up. She tells him, "You're going to fart your guts out one of these days". He narurally ignores her warning and continues farting each morning. She finally decides that she is going to teach the old boy a lesson and places turkey guts by his backside. She goes downstairs to make breakfast when she hears his usual loud farting, only this time it was followed by a blood-curdling scream. A few minutes later, the old man comes downstairs visibly shaking and says, "You was right missus. I DID fart out my guts, but by the grace of God and these two fingers, I got them back in."

 

[phoenix]

On the chest of a bar-maid from Wales,

was tattooed all the prices for ales,

but on her behind, for the sake of the blind,

was exactly the same but in braille.
:worship: :rofl:

 

[4noggins]

Back in the early days when there were still daily trains from Burlington to most everywhere, there were two old ladies who rode the train every Saturday from Burlington, VT to Boston, MA. They would nod to one another but rode in separate cars and never spoke. One day, when the train was crowded, they both happened to sit together. And one says to the other, "I've seen you ride this train every Saturday afternoon to Boston and I've always wondered about it. What do you do in Boston?" The other replied, "Why, I go into Boston to get scrod because I can't get it in Burlington." The first lady said, "You know, I've been a schoolteacher for 30 years and I never knew what the past tense of that verb was."

 

[jbbaldwin]

There once was a lady from Madras

Who had an incredible ass:

Not round and pink, as well you might think,

But grey, with long ears, and ate grass.

 

[phoenix]

Man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have a penis growing out of my forehead. What do I do?" Doctor takes a look at him and says, "Go see the world!" So the man goes on a world cruise, but when he gets back, he still has this problem, so he goes back to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this penis growing out of my forehead. What do I do?" The doctor takes a look at him and says, "Go see the world!", to which the man replies, "But doctor, I have seen the world and all its wonders." The doctor replies, "Well, see it again, because when your balls grow in, you won't be able to see a damn thing."

 

[pstlpkr]

 

[joshwolftree]

 

[pstlpkr]

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a game warden in Texas as he started to drive his boat away from a lake. The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?" "Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish.""Pet fish!?!?""Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home.""What a line of baloney....you're under arrest."The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment man. I'll show ya!We do this all the time!!""WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?""Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.The warden asked, "When are you going to call em back?""Call who back?""The FISH," replied the warden!"Whut fish?" asked the redneck.MORAL OF THE STORY:We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

:D

 

[crazypipe]

BULLFROGS & BLOW JOBS
A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.

After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.

She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to

spend a fortune.
'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog.

They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!'
'Blow jobs!' the woman replied.
'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said.
The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...

No more blow jobs for her!
She bought the frog.
When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely

skeptical and laughed it off!...
The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform

this less than riveting act again.
In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and

pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.
She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the

frog reading cook books.
'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.
The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook... you're gone.'

 

[crazypipe]

Pet Goose

There was this fellow who had a pet goose. He loved his goose and took it everywhere with him. One day he went to the movies and the ticket seller told him that his goose was not allowed in the theater. He ran around the corner and stuffed the goose in his pants. Then he bought his ticket and went into the theater. He selected a seat next to two elderly ladies.
During the movie he could hear his goose panting due to lack of air. He unzipped his pants to let the goose breathe. Soon the lady next to him elbowed her friend and whispered, "Esther, Esther you won't believe whats going on next to me. "Esther glances over and says, "Well, you've seen one you've seen them all. "
"Well, maybe, but this one's eating my popcorn!"

 

[crazypipe]

 

[crazypipe]

JEWISH TIE SALESMAN
A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the

Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very

frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack

- selling ties.
The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?

They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an

over-priced western adornment - I spit on your ties. I need water!"
"Sorry, I have none - just ties - pure silk - and only $5."
"Pahh! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny little

neck and choke the life out of you but... I must conserve my energy and find

water!"
"Okay," said the little old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not

want to buy a tie from me or that you hate me, threaten my life and call me

infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue

over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant.

It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need... Go In Peace."

Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he crawled back, almost dead and gasped...
"They won't let me in without a tie!"