The Joke Thread: Not Safe For Work (NSFW)
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Dedicated to Lordnoble, who made me recall it when he wrote in my thread that "intimate" and "wife" were some kind of oxymoron. My thought on that was, "What are you talking about? I find your wife is always quite intimate with me."
Here's the joke:
IMPOSSIBLE TO DEFINE SAVOIR FAIRE?
An American man touring London happened to befriend a German, an Englishman and a Frenchman. They were sitting in a pub discussing important matters of the day when the American recalled a lingering question from his childhood, regarding the cartoon expression, "Savoir Faire is everywhere." What does savoir faire mean?
The Europeans agreed there was no exact translation. They would have to produce an example. The German agreed to go first.
"Savoir faire ist venn une man comes to his home und finds his vife sleeping with ein ander man, but only pours himself a glass of wine and denn valks back out. Dat man, he has savoir-faire."
The Englishman begged to differ. "No, no. I say. No. Savoir faire is better demonstrated by the man who, when he walks in to find his wife in bed with another man, can sit down, sip his tea, and tell the other fellow to please, do carry on. That man has savoir-faire."
The Frenchman responds, "Mais non. You have it completely wrong. That is an Englishman being cuckholded. Listen to me. If a man finds his wife with another man in his bed, and he tells this man to carry on, and the man in the bed, *can*, it is that man who has savoir faire."
Bon jour!
Here's the joke:
IMPOSSIBLE TO DEFINE SAVOIR FAIRE?
An American man touring London happened to befriend a German, an Englishman and a Frenchman. They were sitting in a pub discussing important matters of the day when the American recalled a lingering question from his childhood, regarding the cartoon expression, "Savoir Faire is everywhere." What does savoir faire mean?
The Europeans agreed there was no exact translation. They would have to produce an example. The German agreed to go first.
"Savoir faire ist venn une man comes to his home und finds his vife sleeping with ein ander man, but only pours himself a glass of wine and denn valks back out. Dat man, he has savoir-faire."
The Englishman begged to differ. "No, no. I say. No. Savoir faire is better demonstrated by the man who, when he walks in to find his wife in bed with another man, can sit down, sip his tea, and tell the other fellow to please, do carry on. That man has savoir-faire."
The Frenchman responds, "Mais non. You have it completely wrong. That is an Englishman being cuckholded. Listen to me. If a man finds his wife with another man in his bed, and he tells this man to carry on, and the man in the bed, *can*, it is that man who has savoir faire."
Bon jour!
APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE MIDWIFE AWAY
Newly married Catholic couple want to do everything right by the book. They made an appointment with their doctor to find compatible birth control. Explaining what they want, the doctor spends quite a bit of time going through his medical encyclopedias and text books.
When they've just about fallen asleep on each other, the honeymooners are startled by the slamming of a large book closed. They look at the doctor, who confidently says, "I've found it."
"You've found it? What is it?"
"An apple."
"An apple?"
The man and wife blink at each other. Then turning back to the doctor, the woman asks, "Before? Or after?"
The doctor smiles broadly and says only, "Instead of."
Newly married Catholic couple want to do everything right by the book. They made an appointment with their doctor to find compatible birth control. Explaining what they want, the doctor spends quite a bit of time going through his medical encyclopedias and text books.
When they've just about fallen asleep on each other, the honeymooners are startled by the slamming of a large book closed. They look at the doctor, who confidently says, "I've found it."
"You've found it? What is it?"
"An apple."
"An apple?"
The man and wife blink at each other. Then turning back to the doctor, the woman asks, "Before? Or after?"
The doctor smiles broadly and says only, "Instead of."
SACRED SEX
Same couple the day before their Saturday wedding are suddenly concerned about the morality of how thoroughly they plan on consummating their marriage before Sunday Mass.
She timidly asks, "Father? Is it okay to have sex before communion?"
He smiles broadly, quips back, "Of course. But make sure not to block the aisles."
Same couple the day before their Saturday wedding are suddenly concerned about the morality of how thoroughly they plan on consummating their marriage before Sunday Mass.
She timidly asks, "Father? Is it okay to have sex before communion?"
He smiles broadly, quips back, "Of course. But make sure not to block the aisles."
From my boss:
Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked
by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.
He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova
Scotia back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had
evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers
and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and
apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the
vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else
to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather
around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no
family and friends. I played like I've never played
before for this homeless man.
And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began
to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I
finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.
Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers
say, "I never seen anything like that before, and
I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty
years."
Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man
thing.
When you have stopped laughing be sure to forward this on to
others who would enjoy a good story.
Live simply.
Love generously.
Care deeply
Speak kindly.
Leave the rest to God.
Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked
by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.
He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova
Scotia back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had
evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers
and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and
apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the
vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else
to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather
around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no
family and friends. I played like I've never played
before for this homeless man.
And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began
to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I
finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.
Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers
say, "I never seen anything like that before, and
I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty
years."
Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man
thing.
When you have stopped laughing be sure to forward this on to
others who would enjoy a good story.
Live simply.
Love generously.
Care deeply
Speak kindly.
Leave the rest to God.
A young bull and an old bull were standing on the hill looking at the herd.
The young bull said let's run down there and fuck a cow.
The old bull said let's walk down and fuck 'em all.
The young bull said let's run down there and fuck a cow.
The old bull said let's walk down and fuck 'em all.
A woman returns home from her husband’s memorial service and in her arms she is carrying the urn which contains his ashes.
She enters the home, mixes a martini and carries the urn and the drink to the patio where she then sets the urn down on the patio table.
She opens the top of the urn, slowly pours out his ashes on the table and thoughtfully and slowly traces her finger through his ashes.
She says to the ashes; ‘Henry, do you remember that convertible that you always promised to buy me for so many years, but never did’? ‘Well, with the money from your insurance I bought one and it’s beautiful.
She proceeds while continuing to slowly trace her finger through the ashes and says: ‘Henry, do you remember that diamond necklace you always promised to buy me, but never did’? ‘Well, with your insurance money I bought one and it’s lovely’.
She continues on with her tracing and then says; ‘And Henry, do you also remember that European cruise you always promised to take me on, but never did’? ‘Well, with your insurance money I booked one and I’m leaving in two weeks'.
She then proceeds and says’ ‘Oh, and by the way Henry, do you remember that blow job I always promised to give you, but never did’? ‘Well Henry, a promise is a promise, so get ready because here it comes’.
She enters the home, mixes a martini and carries the urn and the drink to the patio where she then sets the urn down on the patio table.
She opens the top of the urn, slowly pours out his ashes on the table and thoughtfully and slowly traces her finger through his ashes.
She says to the ashes; ‘Henry, do you remember that convertible that you always promised to buy me for so many years, but never did’? ‘Well, with the money from your insurance I bought one and it’s beautiful.
She proceeds while continuing to slowly trace her finger through the ashes and says: ‘Henry, do you remember that diamond necklace you always promised to buy me, but never did’? ‘Well, with your insurance money I bought one and it’s lovely’.
She continues on with her tracing and then says; ‘And Henry, do you also remember that European cruise you always promised to take me on, but never did’? ‘Well, with your insurance money I booked one and I’m leaving in two weeks'.
She then proceeds and says’ ‘Oh, and by the way Henry, do you remember that blow job I always promised to give you, but never did’? ‘Well Henry, a promise is a promise, so get ready because here it comes’.
Two nuns fighting over a bike mother superior shouts out if you two don't stop fighting over that bike I'm going to put the saddle back on :rofl:
An old man and his wife were sitting down at their table for breakfast one morning.
The wife looked up from her oatmeal and said, "you know dear, we used to sit at this table every morning completely naked and enjoy each others company at breakfast."
The old man looked up from his plate of bacon and eggs and said "yeah, we did. You want to try it again?"
The wife said "hell yes!" So they each stood up, took off their clothes and sat back down.
After a short while, the wife said to her husband, "you know, after all these years, my nipples are still as hot for you as ever, dear!"
The old man looked over at her and said, "Well of course they are, one of them is in your coffee, and the others in your oatmeal!" :rofl:
The wife looked up from her oatmeal and said, "you know dear, we used to sit at this table every morning completely naked and enjoy each others company at breakfast."
The old man looked up from his plate of bacon and eggs and said "yeah, we did. You want to try it again?"
The wife said "hell yes!" So they each stood up, took off their clothes and sat back down.
After a short while, the wife said to her husband, "you know, after all these years, my nipples are still as hot for you as ever, dear!"
The old man looked over at her and said, "Well of course they are, one of them is in your coffee, and the others in your oatmeal!" :rofl:
A Rabbi, a Catholic priest and a Protestant minister argue about which of their religions is best. They conclude that the only way to decide is for each to go into a nearby forest, find a bear, try to convert him, and see how it goes. A few hours later they meet up again outside the forest to compare notes.
The Catholic priest said: "With all that fur, my bear was very hot and uncomfortable. I baptized him in the cool waters of the river and now he belongs to Jesus."
The Protestant minister said: "My bear’s stomach was growling, and I could tell he was very hungry. I gave him Communion bread to eat and now he belongs to St. Peter."
The Rabbi, who had come out of the woods limping and covered with blood, said: “Circumcision turned out to be a big mistake.... “
The Catholic priest said: "With all that fur, my bear was very hot and uncomfortable. I baptized him in the cool waters of the river and now he belongs to Jesus."
The Protestant minister said: "My bear’s stomach was growling, and I could tell he was very hungry. I gave him Communion bread to eat and now he belongs to St. Peter."
The Rabbi, who had come out of the woods limping and covered with blood, said: “Circumcision turned out to be a big mistake.... “
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