So last summer we were at the beach at I was swimming and just having a good time when all of a sudden, these Greenpeace boats surrounded me filled with hippies and started yelling "Head out to open sea!" I was was like "WTF! I'm a man damn it! There was a pod of hot hippie chics on the bow crying and saying "You almost never get to see one in the wild! I hope he makes it!" and I was like "Shut the *&$# up you dumb, blonde wh..." when all of sudden this huge net gets shot around me and I get pulled up in a cargo ship and right before I'm tranquilized, I can see the two Greenpeace boat crew bail out just before they got run over by two Wellcraft Scarabs, deflating them.
So I wake up in a Learjet and the executives from SeaWorld are apologizing for the theatrics and are offering me half a million dollars a year and all the fish I can eat if I'll put on a black and white swimsuit and appear in Orca pool now that they can't put on the Killer Whale show! The nerve! I'm big, yeah, maybe even Beluga big but not Orca big!!! Jackasses. I don't even eat fish! Well, that was the last straw and I knew it was time to lose weight. (The first straw being when Macy's asked if I would like a job as the clothing fit model for the Thanksgiving character balloons like Mickey Mouse. I tell ya, if I could run and catch one of those balloons, I'd poke holes in it) I said no, they landed in Omaha and and one of them said "Roll him out of the plane." I said "I'll just walk out, thanks" and they paid to Greyhound me home. So anyways, the diet I am on sucks, but the Chocolate drink they have is FANTASTIC when you add it with coffee. That with a bowl of Dark Bird's Eye is awesome.