The Joke Thread: Not Safe For Work (NSFW)
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i guess this one isnt too bad, but it is if you said it in a chinese restaurant :}
mr. wong is sitting in the waiting room at the eye doctors', waiting for his results and the doctor finally comes out and approaches mr.wong. "mr. wong? i'm afraid i have some bad news for you, it looks like you have a cataract." mr.wong replies " cataract? no. i have a ringkin"
in case you dont get the joke, say ringkin outloud and remember that hes chinese saying the name of a car :
mr. wong is sitting in the waiting room at the eye doctors', waiting for his results and the doctor finally comes out and approaches mr.wong. "mr. wong? i'm afraid i have some bad news for you, it looks like you have a cataract." mr.wong replies " cataract? no. i have a ringkin"
in case you dont get the joke, say ringkin outloud and remember that hes chinese saying the name of a car :
Louisiana Ghost Story (True Story)
Even if you're a non-believer you need to read this!
Louisiana Ghost Story (true story)
This happened about 6 months ago on Louisiana Hwy 57, just outside of Dulac, a little town in the bayou country of Louisiana, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.
An Ohio businessman, Saul Rubins, abandoned his disabled vehicle on the side of the road, and attempted to hitchhike. The night was pitch dark in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face.
Suddenly, through the sheets of rain, he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped. Desperately needing a ride, Saul jumped in the car and closed the door. Only then did he realize that there was no one behind the wheel and no sound of an engine to be heard over the rain.
Again the car crept silently forward and Saul was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running.. He saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and beg for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into the bayou and he would then drown!
But just before the curve, a shadowy hand appeared at the driver's window, reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and Saul was alone again.
Paralyzed with fear, Saul watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally, scared nearly to death, Saul had all he could take, jumped out of the car, and ran to town..
Wet and in shock, he went into Schmoopy's. Voice quavering, he ordered two cups of coffee, black, and then told everybody about his supernatural experience. The room became silent and everybody got goose bumps when they realized Saul was telling the truth and was not just some drunk. About 30 minutes later two Cajuns, dripping wet, walked into Schmoopy's and one says to the other,
" Look, Boudreaux, ders dat idiot what rode in our car when we wuz pushin' it in da rain!!!"
Even if you're a non-believer you need to read this!
Louisiana Ghost Story (true story)
This happened about 6 months ago on Louisiana Hwy 57, just outside of Dulac, a little town in the bayou country of Louisiana, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.
An Ohio businessman, Saul Rubins, abandoned his disabled vehicle on the side of the road, and attempted to hitchhike. The night was pitch dark in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face.
Suddenly, through the sheets of rain, he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped. Desperately needing a ride, Saul jumped in the car and closed the door. Only then did he realize that there was no one behind the wheel and no sound of an engine to be heard over the rain.
Again the car crept silently forward and Saul was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running.. He saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and beg for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into the bayou and he would then drown!
But just before the curve, a shadowy hand appeared at the driver's window, reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and Saul was alone again.
Paralyzed with fear, Saul watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally, scared nearly to death, Saul had all he could take, jumped out of the car, and ran to town..
Wet and in shock, he went into Schmoopy's. Voice quavering, he ordered two cups of coffee, black, and then told everybody about his supernatural experience. The room became silent and everybody got goose bumps when they realized Saul was telling the truth and was not just some drunk. About 30 minutes later two Cajuns, dripping wet, walked into Schmoopy's and one says to the other,
" Look, Boudreaux, ders dat idiot what rode in our car when we wuz pushin' it in da rain!!!"
A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS
HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP.
THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK.
BUT, ABOUT EVERY 15 SECONDS OR SO, HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN,
GRIPS ONTO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON
TOP OF HIS HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.
HIS MOTHER SAYS, "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE."
BILLY SAYS, "I'M FINE, MOMMY. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE POTTY YET."
MOTHER SAYS, "OKAY, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES, BUT BILLY,
WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"
BILLY SAYS, "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."
ENJOY LIFE NOW...IT HAS AN EXPIRATION DATE
HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP.
THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK.
BUT, ABOUT EVERY 15 SECONDS OR SO, HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN,
GRIPS ONTO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON
TOP OF HIS HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.
HIS MOTHER SAYS, "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE."
BILLY SAYS, "I'M FINE, MOMMY. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE POTTY YET."
MOTHER SAYS, "OKAY, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES, BUT BILLY,
WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"
BILLY SAYS, "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."
ENJOY LIFE NOW...IT HAS AN EXPIRATION DATE
One day little Johnny was sitting in math class and his teacher was asking the class word problems when she got to Little Johnny and said "If there are three birds sitting on a power line and you grab your shot gun and shoot two of them, how many are left?"
"None" Johnny replied.
The teacher said "Actually, one would be left, 3 - 2 = 1"
Little Johnny said "No, if your using a shot gun to shoot at birds then the other one is going to fly off from the sound"
The teacher says "well no the answer is still one, but I like the way you think"
Johnny starts to think to him self "Hmmm you like the way I think huh" and he says to the teacher "Three women are sitting on a park bench and they all have lolly pops. One of them is sucking on it, one is licking it, and the other is biting it. Which one is married?"
The teacher says "The one sucking it of course"
And Johnny replies "No, the one wearing the wedding ring... but I like the way you think" :
:
::
"None" Johnny replied.
The teacher said "Actually, one would be left, 3 - 2 = 1"
Little Johnny said "No, if your using a shot gun to shoot at birds then the other one is going to fly off from the sound"
The teacher says "well no the answer is still one, but I like the way you think"
Johnny starts to think to him self "Hmmm you like the way I think huh" and he says to the teacher "Three women are sitting on a park bench and they all have lolly pops. One of them is sucking on it, one is licking it, and the other is biting it. Which one is married?"
The teacher says "The one sucking it of course"
And Johnny replies "No, the one wearing the wedding ring... but I like the way you think" :
::
:
A tachyon gets kicked out of a bar. The bartender says “We don’t serve your kind here!”. A tachyon walks into a bar.
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