Marriage advice?

[warren]

Thank you for the expressions of sympathy. I surely do not want to see a thread of this importance, to me anyway, sidetracked. Sufficed to say my wife and I had 36 years and 5 days of mostly great times together. I am adjusting to what is my "new normal" and will carry on as she would have wished.
Relative to the OP I do believe that it is the differences between the partners that can make the marriage really interesting and special. My hobby is woodworking. My wife was an excellent "beader" and a more than competent metal-smith. We each had our own work areas and so, had our own "space." Sometimes she needed my expertise or "eye" and other times I would solicit her artistic abilities to provide some bit of metal work that provided the proper "finish" to a project of mine.
Marriage is all about balance. Time together + time apart = a great ride with few bumps and fewer regrets.
I and the others speak only from our own experiences and I'm sure my observations are a somewhat skewed by my years of mostly pure unadulterated happy companionship and love. So read the thread, see what fits or can be adapted to your circumstances and make fond memories every chance you get.

 

[numbersix]

I too am sorry to hear about your loss Warren. Best wishes to you and great advice as well.

Best advice I can offer is to just listen and do not try to fix the problems she talks about unless she asks. Most of the time my spousal unit is just venting and there is always that urge to fix things on my part.

This is true. I think it's in a man's genetic makeup to fix a problem, but when it comes to this, many times, a woman is not in need of fixing, just sympathizing.

 

[ssjones]

I've been married for 34 years, an improbably success as I was 19 and she was 18.

A majority of the marriages that I've seen fail (all of our friends when we were married) where when one spouse was in a bar without the other. I'd be hard pressed to remember I time that I hung out in a bar without my wife and vice versus. Some folks can pull that off, most it seems cannot.

Learn to be a good listener, it's a lot harder than it sounds. Knowing when not to talk pays big dividends.

Compromise is part of a successful marriage. Someone said "pick your battles" and I would add to learn when to fold your hand.

If you haven't read Dale Carnegies "How to Win Friends and Influence People", grab a copy. An easy read filled with good advice for all aspects of life.

 

[purplemotoman]

Just get it over with now. Get the divorce papers all filled out and ready to go....just joking. Congrats and enjoy. I am sure there will some bumps in the road ahead, but work them out calmly and remember, she is ALWAYS right.

 

[drwatson]

Respect..Thats a huge part of it. Your going to have really, really bad days! But you are also going to have great days too. Always let her know you love her. Never go to bed angry. Can't tell you how many times my wife and I have stayed up to see the sun. We have been together 17 years now, and through all the craziness I still try to act like we are dating. It's amazing what a small touch in the kitchen will do. The only true piece of advice that I could offer, is more of a observation of life, than a my life situation. What I do brings me in contact with alot of younger and older people, a good mix really. And the one thing I alaways here the younger females complain about is their boyfriend/husband enjoys his friends,facebook,fantasy football,gaming more than them! All those things are good and have a place in moderation. But always remember family first and you'll be okay. Good luck and congrats!!

 

[mso489]

Never hesitate to be amazed and delighted by your wife. You aren't giving anything up by not being

always the center of your own admiration. You've just gained color and binocular vision. You can

see and understand things you never have before. Don't be afraid to use this new power, and don't forget

its source. Happy married life.

 

[derfatdutchman]

We will be married 20 this May. Fist be a good listener sometimes just being there to listen and give a supporting shoulder is more important than any words. Remember compromise can usually help any situation. And lastly hide a blanket in the bottom drawer of your night stand for those times in mid January when you wake up a 3 AM only to find your wife wrapped cocoon like in all the blankets.

 

[sablebrush52]

I have one serious observation about achieving a successful long term marriage as opposed to just a long term marriage. The agreement is "for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health", which means that you are both throwing in your lot with each other. You're partners, which you both need to understand and respect for a long term marriage. But you both also need to be best friends as well as partners, and understand and respect that as well, for a happy long term marriage. That's the foundation, without which the edifice collapses.

 

[allan]

Such great advice already given.
Warren, through this year I've read most of your posts, many of them funny, sarcastic and witty.
I did not know the other side, the warm and caring guy.
Extremely sorry for your loss. Even after 37 years of marriage, (several of them quite rough) I just don't know what I would do without my wife.
My maturity in marriage did not happen till only a few years ago. Self centered, mostly caring only for myself. I really don't know why she stayed with me for so long.
Late, but hopefully not too late, I'm realizing the folly of my ways, and I try to man up myself to try to reach her standards of giving, loving and decency. I know that I fall far short.
Good luck and congrats on the marriage.

 

[warren]

Thank you Allan.
I really do think wives oftentimes see something in us that we do not. And so, they often invest many more years than they should in rounding us out. I know my wife did and it appears that yours did also. We are both the better for it I think.
Sometime after I said "I do," I discovered that marriage is many things I never envisioned. It was, at least for me, a very humbling experience.

 

[peckinpahhombre]

The only thing I can add would be that any new pipe you buy cost $50.
Just repeat that to yourself 10 times a day so you will be able to withstand the inevitable interrogation.

 

[judcole]

I'm also a recent widower - 3 weeks short of 40 years. Some simple thoughts:

• Don't get caught up in stereotypes about men and women, their roles, what's "manly" and "feminine". You are individuals, and each have your own strengths and weaknesses. If she hates grocery shopping and you enjoy it (and can stick to your list/budget), don't be afraid to do it because it's "women's work". Likewise, if she really enjoys - and is good at - some "male" task, let her do it. That stuff is all culturally determined anyway.[/*]
  
• Communicate, communicate, communicate. [/*]
  
• Finally, and perhaps most important: You can be happy, or you can be right. If you insist on being right all the time, things won't go well.[/*]

 

[phred]

Congratulations, smeigs!
I'm coming up on 25 years married, officially (and closer to 30 years together). One bit of advice, in all seriousness - if things do get rough, don't be afraid to engage the services of a professional. At one point, our relationship hit a rough patch, and we learned that the coping techniques that we'd both learned as kids weren't helping - in fact, they were seriously getting in the way. We went to a counselor (both together and individually for some issues), and it made a difference. In fact, the counselor told us that it was a relief to have a couple actually working on maintaining and improving their relationship, as too often couples wait until one or both of them need out before seeking help...

 

[warren]

You are a wee bit too late with that advice for the original poster.

 

[12pups]

I have been married for 30 years -- just not to the same woman. But I can add what *doesn't* work. In my first marriage I had a vision of what being a husband and father should be like, and I did everything I could to make that dream come true. Given a second chance, I no longer trusted my preconceptions, and set about enjoying the dream as it unfolded.
Has made all the difference. A fairy tale that reveals itself to us more each day on its own. One I get to be in, rather than, heavy-handedly, write.

 

[lucky695]

9 words

You're Right

I'm Wrong

I'm Sorry

I Love you..

 

[peteross]

Congrats! I've only been married 4 years but I can't resist giving my two cents. As stated very early in this thread: men and women are different. My wife and I were blessed to figure out early on that men respect automatically and women love automatically. Well it turns out that she needs love more than respect and I need respect more than love. It's easy for her to tell me that she loves me but I have to make a conscious effort to make her feel loved. And she has to be very mindful to give me the respect that I need. Enjoy your marriage! It's a blast!

 

[msandoval858]

Lots of good advice here so I won't repeat what's already been suggested.
I will say this. Never stop "dating" her. Pursue her every day and make sure you maintain that chemistry that got you in to this mess to begin with. My wife and I are going on 15 years and I like to think I'm more crazy about her now than when we got married.
Of course disagreements and fights are going to happen. Never underestimate the power of make up sex :D

 

[murf]

the sooner you realize that they're all nuts, the better off you'll be. Do your best to make it work. I'm not sure on the "separate finances" advice, as we don't do that. We don't have much anyway. Stop thinking about what is "yours" and instead of what is "ours."

 

[tslex]