Best Blend of 2023: An Elimination Game

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jbfrady

Part of the Furniture Now
Jul 27, 2023
698
2,929
South Carolina
Red Virginia hasn't seen combat in a minute, so I'm'a shoot him twice.

Living:
Anomalous - Sutliff - 15
Brown Twist #4 - SG - 15
Golden Sliced - Orlik - 13
Red Virginia - Robert McConnell - 9
Dockworker - HU - 15
Oriental Silk - C&D - 13
Rouxgaroux - WCC - 18
Ennerdale - GH - 16
1989 - Erik Stokkebye - 16
Full Virginia Flake - SG - 20
Rich Dark Honeydew - GH - 17
Bob's Chocolate Flake - GH - 17
Black - Sillem's - 8
Skiff Mixture - SG - 13
Flake - Peterson (Dunhill) - 12
Dark Bird's Eye - GH - 20

Deceased:
Grape - Captain Black
Match 20 - Sutliff
Hogshead - Seattle Pipe Club
Royal - Captain Black
Royal Yacht - Peterson
Exclusive - C&D
Stratfordshire - C&D
Mixture #79 - Sutliff
Aged Burley Flake - Solani
From Beyond - C&D
Pegasus - C&D
Holly's Non Plus Ultra - Dan
Dorchester - Esoterica
No. 69 - Peter Henrichs
Maple Shadows - Sutliff
American Cut Plug - Watch City
Squadron Leader - SG
Luxury Navy Flake - Peter Stokkebye
Lancer Slices - F&K
Wintertime Flake - SG

Today's news is of the somber variety. Wintertime Flake met his untimely demise today, drawing his final breath at 7:29am Eastern Standard Time. I could spare you the gruesome details, but why would I do that?

The facts are as follows: 'Twas a crisp and chilly winter morn and Ol' Wintie suited up and headed out for his morning jog. There he was, minding his own business and clad in reflective athletic gear when he was mowed down by a tasteless drunk driver behind the wheel of a maroon Kia Soul - a high enough clearance to render a human body as a fleshy speed bump, but low enough to really feel it. He was positively scoured, much like an unseen anthill when munched up by a John Deere.

This could've been the end of it, nay should've been the end of it. But it wasn't. @woodsroad assumed the role of Good Samaritan, trying twice to revive the poor old bastard, and he was doing a fine job of it. He called an ambulance and help was finally on the way.

Problem was, the ambulance driver had his own drama going on. His girlfriend was breaking up with him by phone and he was so angry that he swung into Ol' Wintie's neighborhood on two wheels. By the time he realized what was happening, the emergency vehicle was careening far out of control. Two more wheels greeted Wintertime Flake's head like an old friend, sploosing it like one of Gallagher's melons.

Funeral services for the departed blend are TBD. Wintertime Flake leaves behind several Gawith relatives, namely his older brother Full Virginia Flake, who bid him both a farewell and a good riddance today, saying, "He was always too spicy for his own good. We'll miss him, but only when it's cold out."