Regarding the fine art of pipe smoking, following is "The Only Acceptable Method for Smoking The Tobacco Pipe (TM)":
1) After sunset, retreat to a wood-paneled smoking library, devoid of excessive air currents which may alter the draft.
2) Don a classic smoking jacket. the only acceptable materials being velvet, silk or a combination thereof. The color is at the discretion of the pipist so long as the smoking jacket is maroon in color.
3) Select from the library a thoughtful, but not prurient tome, so as to enhance the smoking experience.... It is crucial not to distract or muddle the mind.
4) Select a 20 year old sealed tin of 'proper' English tobacco to be enjoyed. One does not select any so-called "Aromatic" because, of course, no proper Gentleman has denigrated his cellar with the such refuse.
5) Settle tranquilly onto a sturdy leather Continental armchair.
6) Select an unsmoked pre-1967 Dunhill from the collection. Any shape is acceptable. Straight shank, of course. We are not hippies.
7) From the collection, choose the proper tamper for this night's work. An acceptable tool shall be large enough to grasp firmly yet light enough that the ash will not be crushed, lest the ember be extinguished.
8) Using distilled water, lightly sprinkle distilled water on the rim of the selected pipe.
9) Allow the piping implement to rest for approximately 60 seconds, give or take. No need to be pedantic about it.
10) While waiting, unseal the tin using a 1942 Mercury dime.
11) Open the tin, inhale deeply and immediately write down initial impressions. Remember, one will smell a tobacco the first time one time.
12) Pinch 3 grams of proper English onto a stainless steel surface, spread it out evenly and allow it to 'rest' for 30 to 32 minutes.
13) Insert one 6" BJ Long's pipe cleaner into the (straight) shank of the blessed white dot, in anticipation of the awaiting tinder.
14) Clasp a pinch of the leaf in between the thumb and forefinger of the right hand.
While holding the bruyere in one's left hand squarely, with confidence, and with the (straight) stem parallel to the oaken floor and level on all planes, gently sprinkle the tobacco into the bowl, ensuring that the heel is evenly distributed with the fine leaf.
15) Grasp a second pinch of the leaf in between the thumb and forefinger of the right hand.
16) While still holding the bruyere in one's left hand squarely, with confidence, and with the (straight) stem parallel to the oaken floor and level on all planes, gently place the beloved, sun-kissed earth flower into the bowl of the smoking implement.
17) Clutch a third and final pinch of the leaf in between the thumb and forefinger of the right hand.
18) While still holding the bruyere in one's left hand squarely, with confidence, and with the (straight) stem parallel to the oaken floor and level on all planes, firmly press the final pinch of our Saintly gift into the beloved apparatus.
19) Remove the 6" BJ Long's pipe cleaner from the (straight) stem.
20) Discard the 6" BJ Long's pipe cleaner in a proper receptacle.
21) The moment of truth: place the Vulcanite stem to your pursed lips carefully, arranging the button to suit one's needs.
22) Test the fruits of your efforts with a sip. The amount of suction required should be identical to that required to remove the delicious sugary sweetness from a ripe honeysuckle.
23) If this simple test fails, grasp the designated tamper firmly, insert it fully into the bowl and flick the entire contents into the Dunhill ashtray. Wipe the Dunny with a 100% cotton white cloth and return it to your pipe wall. Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day.
24) Assuming you had the requisite competence to continue, reach for the box of old growth, Madagascar Strike Anywhere matches, remove one slight stick and strike a flame. One must not forget in the excitement to consider the flame. The match will inform one when to proceed.
25) After considering the good flame thoughtfully, bring the hellfire to the bowl, making sure the pipe remains level on all planes. Introduce the flame to the leaf in a counter-clockwise fashion while simultaneously applying oral suction, sometimes basely reduced to the slang term, 'puff'.
26) Take the wand of goodness from the lips then ruefully dismiss the spent match in the Dunhill ashtray.
27) Fetch the selected limited-edition (preferable Ivory adorned) pipe tamper and crush down the ash leavings from this so-called 'false light'.
28) Set the sacred bruyere and leaf aside with solicitude.
29) After an appropriate 12 minute rest and with clarity of mind and only after one's heart rate has returned to level, take up again the bruyere.
30) At this time, it is acceptable to take in hand the venerable Corona Old Boy lighter. Strike a flame!
31) Steady the nervous hand and enkindle once again the sacrificial flower, while sipping reverentially the mouthpiece.
32) Retrohale imperially and.. Rejoice! Great blue, wispy plumes encircling. They are the reward. HUZZAH!
33) Settle gently into a quiet, gracious cadence of alternating sips and retrohales.
34) No "relights" or other hippie extravagances are necessitated. This leaf will burn down to a fine, gray ash. In fact, it must or else all is lost.
35) In the unlikely event that one has deftly executed "The Only Acceptable Method for Smoking the Tobacco Pipe (TM)" and at such time when the beatific smoke has reached its inevitable terminus, grasp the previously designated tamper firmly, insert it fully into the bowl and circle clockwise.
36) Tap the the fine, gray ash against the Scottish Cork Knocker three times.
37) Insert a corner of one's monogrammed silk kerchief into the prized bowl and, in a clockwise manner, twist three times.
38) Insert one 6" BJ Long's pipe cleaner into the (straight) shank of the (straight) stem of the treasured smoking instrument.
39) Wipe the instrument with a 100% cotton white cloth.
40) It shall be pridefully returned to display upon one's pipe wall.
1) After sunset, retreat to a wood-paneled smoking library, devoid of excessive air currents which may alter the draft.
2) Don a classic smoking jacket. the only acceptable materials being velvet, silk or a combination thereof. The color is at the discretion of the pipist so long as the smoking jacket is maroon in color.
3) Select from the library a thoughtful, but not prurient tome, so as to enhance the smoking experience.... It is crucial not to distract or muddle the mind.
4) Select a 20 year old sealed tin of 'proper' English tobacco to be enjoyed. One does not select any so-called "Aromatic" because, of course, no proper Gentleman has denigrated his cellar with the such refuse.
5) Settle tranquilly onto a sturdy leather Continental armchair.
6) Select an unsmoked pre-1967 Dunhill from the collection. Any shape is acceptable. Straight shank, of course. We are not hippies.
7) From the collection, choose the proper tamper for this night's work. An acceptable tool shall be large enough to grasp firmly yet light enough that the ash will not be crushed, lest the ember be extinguished.
8) Using distilled water, lightly sprinkle distilled water on the rim of the selected pipe.
9) Allow the piping implement to rest for approximately 60 seconds, give or take. No need to be pedantic about it.
10) While waiting, unseal the tin using a 1942 Mercury dime.
11) Open the tin, inhale deeply and immediately write down initial impressions. Remember, one will smell a tobacco the first time one time.
12) Pinch 3 grams of proper English onto a stainless steel surface, spread it out evenly and allow it to 'rest' for 30 to 32 minutes.
13) Insert one 6" BJ Long's pipe cleaner into the (straight) shank of the blessed white dot, in anticipation of the awaiting tinder.
14) Clasp a pinch of the leaf in between the thumb and forefinger of the right hand.
While holding the bruyere in one's left hand squarely, with confidence, and with the (straight) stem parallel to the oaken floor and level on all planes, gently sprinkle the tobacco into the bowl, ensuring that the heel is evenly distributed with the fine leaf.
15) Grasp a second pinch of the leaf in between the thumb and forefinger of the right hand.
16) While still holding the bruyere in one's left hand squarely, with confidence, and with the (straight) stem parallel to the oaken floor and level on all planes, gently place the beloved, sun-kissed earth flower into the bowl of the smoking implement.
17) Clutch a third and final pinch of the leaf in between the thumb and forefinger of the right hand.
18) While still holding the bruyere in one's left hand squarely, with confidence, and with the (straight) stem parallel to the oaken floor and level on all planes, firmly press the final pinch of our Saintly gift into the beloved apparatus.
19) Remove the 6" BJ Long's pipe cleaner from the (straight) stem.
20) Discard the 6" BJ Long's pipe cleaner in a proper receptacle.
21) The moment of truth: place the Vulcanite stem to your pursed lips carefully, arranging the button to suit one's needs.
22) Test the fruits of your efforts with a sip. The amount of suction required should be identical to that required to remove the delicious sugary sweetness from a ripe honeysuckle.
23) If this simple test fails, grasp the designated tamper firmly, insert it fully into the bowl and flick the entire contents into the Dunhill ashtray. Wipe the Dunny with a 100% cotton white cloth and return it to your pipe wall. Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day.
24) Assuming you had the requisite competence to continue, reach for the box of old growth, Madagascar Strike Anywhere matches, remove one slight stick and strike a flame. One must not forget in the excitement to consider the flame. The match will inform one when to proceed.
25) After considering the good flame thoughtfully, bring the hellfire to the bowl, making sure the pipe remains level on all planes. Introduce the flame to the leaf in a counter-clockwise fashion while simultaneously applying oral suction, sometimes basely reduced to the slang term, 'puff'.
26) Take the wand of goodness from the lips then ruefully dismiss the spent match in the Dunhill ashtray.
27) Fetch the selected limited-edition (preferable Ivory adorned) pipe tamper and crush down the ash leavings from this so-called 'false light'.
28) Set the sacred bruyere and leaf aside with solicitude.
29) After an appropriate 12 minute rest and with clarity of mind and only after one's heart rate has returned to level, take up again the bruyere.
30) At this time, it is acceptable to take in hand the venerable Corona Old Boy lighter. Strike a flame!
31) Steady the nervous hand and enkindle once again the sacrificial flower, while sipping reverentially the mouthpiece.
32) Retrohale imperially and.. Rejoice! Great blue, wispy plumes encircling. They are the reward. HUZZAH!
33) Settle gently into a quiet, gracious cadence of alternating sips and retrohales.
34) No "relights" or other hippie extravagances are necessitated. This leaf will burn down to a fine, gray ash. In fact, it must or else all is lost.
35) In the unlikely event that one has deftly executed "The Only Acceptable Method for Smoking the Tobacco Pipe (TM)" and at such time when the beatific smoke has reached its inevitable terminus, grasp the previously designated tamper firmly, insert it fully into the bowl and circle clockwise.
36) Tap the the fine, gray ash against the Scottish Cork Knocker three times.
37) Insert a corner of one's monogrammed silk kerchief into the prized bowl and, in a clockwise manner, twist three times.
38) Insert one 6" BJ Long's pipe cleaner into the (straight) shank of the (straight) stem of the treasured smoking instrument.
39) Wipe the instrument with a 100% cotton white cloth.
40) It shall be pridefully returned to display upon one's pipe wall.
