EDIT: Fixed Capitalization in Title (See Rule 9)
Many of ye now stood before me, within these hallowed halls, have often posed inquiries, most valid, with regard to the choices of modern-day smoking tobaccos most likely to bring about that oh, so lovely and close-to-heaven state of serenity when enjoyed - without stress, without attention, without the matriarchal husbanding of methodical adjustment, only that perfect garland of satisfaction, hitherto for only imagined in the mind of novice smokers and, forsooth, perhaps even those veterans of the art which do so often bring such wonderful advice down from on high.
Now, after so many months, nay, years abroad and wandering, far from the lofty realms of pipesmagazine.com, having spent toiling calendar days in gutters unbeknownst to any but the lowest forms of life, I come before ye now to offer up my humble cure for each and all ye woes.
Imagine now for me, dear cousins, your pipe upon the shelf. Perhaps some rarity, of English-sounding name, of which the high priest found amongst the standing stones of pipephil.eu so justly theorizes may have been crafted by some wayward cousin of Sasieni's coolest girlfriend - you know, the one with that amazing rack, and how well she drained a pint, and afterwards she danced upon the table to the nascent strains of Boston's "More Than a Feeling", while the boys all did "the chop"- or perhaps a lowly basket pipe, some brand new Peterson from pipesandcigars.com's 'Take-Advantage-of-Your-Addictions-for-Monetary-Gain' Sale, or that St Claude which everybody told you was a dud, which smokes better than the White Spot which you asked your wife to spend the children's inheritance upon for christmas, yes, dear friends, just screw it! Please now just get a pipe down from the shelf. Any will do, I'm so very tired of waiting.
Now, dear sons of tobacciana! Harken to me! Pack that bowl with shag tobacco! Fill it right up to the brim and more! Bother not with details, bother not with inquiries, bother not with common sense or any other such sense delivered from the knowing minds of experience! To them I say, loudly, bugger off! Shove that pipe right full of shag. Pack it down tight! Pack in some more! Who cares!? We'll smoke another bowl in thirty minutes! Puff away to heart's delight. Smoke it slow or smoke it fast, just as long as it's heavily Virginia-based (AM I RIGHT?). Let's get harsh notes through our noses! Velvet textures on the small sips! Smoke it any way you want it, it'll stay lit either way!
Seriously, thought, buddies. Smoking shag is F**king amazing. I even added an extra star for censorship because this S**t is so important. I made up for the stars with capital letters. Get some shag tobacco if that rough cut, flake cut, crumble cake, plug and ropey - (lovely, decadent, orgasmic, i can't say it enough, i love that rope) - BULLS**T isn't working for you today. Keep a jar of ol' reliable. Smoke a smush of shag. That's right, boys. I just made up a whole new word. 'Cause that's all you need. Smush that shag right in that sh*t.
Christ, this was gonna be so elegant a post, and it's been such a long time since my brief foray into this lovely place, but I'm drinking navy grog by the pint. So I have sadly fallen short, my visions of grandeur unreached. But I do not despair. For I know most of you to be such civil, goodhearted and gentlemanly coves that I know you will forgive me. My only hope for redemption is that some noble soul will do as the young fellows say and "pick up where I left off", exhorting the extreme and unsung advantage of that eight wonder of the world which is fine-cut straight shag tobacco. Please excuse spelling, grammar, etc. - my wife is on the fritz and I'm no longer in charge of who I am.
I am and will remain your most humble and obedient servant, etc.
Maj. Gen. George B. McClelland
General-in-chief of all Union Armies
Many of ye now stood before me, within these hallowed halls, have often posed inquiries, most valid, with regard to the choices of modern-day smoking tobaccos most likely to bring about that oh, so lovely and close-to-heaven state of serenity when enjoyed - without stress, without attention, without the matriarchal husbanding of methodical adjustment, only that perfect garland of satisfaction, hitherto for only imagined in the mind of novice smokers and, forsooth, perhaps even those veterans of the art which do so often bring such wonderful advice down from on high.
Now, after so many months, nay, years abroad and wandering, far from the lofty realms of pipesmagazine.com, having spent toiling calendar days in gutters unbeknownst to any but the lowest forms of life, I come before ye now to offer up my humble cure for each and all ye woes.
Imagine now for me, dear cousins, your pipe upon the shelf. Perhaps some rarity, of English-sounding name, of which the high priest found amongst the standing stones of pipephil.eu so justly theorizes may have been crafted by some wayward cousin of Sasieni's coolest girlfriend - you know, the one with that amazing rack, and how well she drained a pint, and afterwards she danced upon the table to the nascent strains of Boston's "More Than a Feeling", while the boys all did "the chop"- or perhaps a lowly basket pipe, some brand new Peterson from pipesandcigars.com's 'Take-Advantage-of-Your-Addictions-for-Monetary-Gain' Sale, or that St Claude which everybody told you was a dud, which smokes better than the White Spot which you asked your wife to spend the children's inheritance upon for christmas, yes, dear friends, just screw it! Please now just get a pipe down from the shelf. Any will do, I'm so very tired of waiting.
Now, dear sons of tobacciana! Harken to me! Pack that bowl with shag tobacco! Fill it right up to the brim and more! Bother not with details, bother not with inquiries, bother not with common sense or any other such sense delivered from the knowing minds of experience! To them I say, loudly, bugger off! Shove that pipe right full of shag. Pack it down tight! Pack in some more! Who cares!? We'll smoke another bowl in thirty minutes! Puff away to heart's delight. Smoke it slow or smoke it fast, just as long as it's heavily Virginia-based (AM I RIGHT?). Let's get harsh notes through our noses! Velvet textures on the small sips! Smoke it any way you want it, it'll stay lit either way!
Seriously, thought, buddies. Smoking shag is F**king amazing. I even added an extra star for censorship because this S**t is so important. I made up for the stars with capital letters. Get some shag tobacco if that rough cut, flake cut, crumble cake, plug and ropey - (lovely, decadent, orgasmic, i can't say it enough, i love that rope) - BULLS**T isn't working for you today. Keep a jar of ol' reliable. Smoke a smush of shag. That's right, boys. I just made up a whole new word. 'Cause that's all you need. Smush that shag right in that sh*t.
Christ, this was gonna be so elegant a post, and it's been such a long time since my brief foray into this lovely place, but I'm drinking navy grog by the pint. So I have sadly fallen short, my visions of grandeur unreached. But I do not despair. For I know most of you to be such civil, goodhearted and gentlemanly coves that I know you will forgive me. My only hope for redemption is that some noble soul will do as the young fellows say and "pick up where I left off", exhorting the extreme and unsung advantage of that eight wonder of the world which is fine-cut straight shag tobacco. Please excuse spelling, grammar, etc. - my wife is on the fritz and I'm no longer in charge of who I am.
I am and will remain your most humble and obedient servant, etc.
Maj. Gen. George B. McClelland
General-in-chief of all Union Armies
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