The Bad Dad Joke Thread

[mortonbriar]

My three year old daughter was drumming on the wall this afternoon with my tamper and I said very sternly "Hey, quit tampering with that"...

 

[simong]

Skeleton walks into a bar &a orders a double brandy, necks it & orders another straight away.

Already sir! Says the landlord.

Too right, that first one went straight through me, says the skeleton.

 

[reverendsasquatch]

What's the difference between Roast Beef and Pea Soup?
....
Anyone can roast beef.

 

[simong]

Quasi modo walks into a bar, orders a whiskey.

Bells? Replied the landlord.

You taking the piss? Says quasi.

 

[randelli]

Momma cow looks at her calf and says "hey, isn't it pasture bed time?"

 

[tinsel]

(Driving down country road with kids):
Dad- "Look kids, a flock of cows!"
Kid- "Herd of cows, Dad"
Dad- "Of course I've heard of cows. There's a flock of them right there!"

 

[tuold]

Walking down the street with my dad on a hot summer day, I noticed the sidewalk on the other side of the street was tree lined and suggested we walk over there. Dad said, "I don't know, those trees look pretty shady".

 

[dottiewarden]

Good one tuold! :rofl:

 

[jollyroger]

Back during my service, when I was down and occasionally called my father for a cheer up, he'd always finish the call with this joke:
An old man walk into a bar, takes a seat and immediately spots a young punk in a spiked leather jacket and ridiculously high rainbow colored mohawk hairdo. Naturally he stares.
After a few moments the punk catches his critical gaze and yells over "what the heck you lookin' at geezer?"
The older man drops his gaze and shakes his head apologetically.

But curiosity got the better part of him and he went back to staring intently.
The punk notices and is far less patient as he strides forward, violently knocking over a table on the way. He grabs the older man and lifts him from the collar, yelling "WHY the F*** ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME!!??".
Finally the old man succumbs and says "Many years ago I was captured outside Saigon. Them were very hard days, all alone... And one night, out of sheer desperation, I f***ed a parrot, and I was wondering if maybe you're my son?".

 

[deathmetal]

Oh, no. Haha!