RIP My Beloved Sister

[cigrmaster]

My sister who was my best friend died unexpectidly on Oct 1 2014 from an accidental overdose. It was the most devestating loss I have ever suffered. I have buried my father and his brother who was like a second father to me years ago, but I did not feel the loss nearly as intensly as the lost of my sister. She had a severe case of bi polar disorder and I was the one who she came to when she was at her worst. She was 58 years old and much too young. Leading up to her death she was suffering with severe migraines and was self medicating with her bi polar medecine and I should have had her Baker acted which might have saved her life. She told me how many of the pills she was taking and I begged her to slow down but she said she had it under control, which she obviously did not.
The guilt I have been feeling has been so intense as if I had acted she might still be with me. It has taken this long just to be able to talk about it because just talking about it still brings me to tears thinking about her. We were so close growing up and through college and even till the day she died. She was all set to move in with me in just a couple of weeks so I could keep a better eye on her She was a great aunt to my kids and they were all devistated at the loss of their aunt. It was only the two of us so I no longer have a sister to love and cherish. I am sorry for laying this on you guys, but I know that talking about it will help with the grieving process. If any of you have a sibling where your relationship is not that great, please think about getting back together as you never know when somene can pass.
Anyway thanks for letting me share as I need to talk about it and get through this.

 

[mso489]

My sibs are an older sister, by three years, and a younger one, by eight. One is handicapped by schizophrenia, but able to live on her own with help. I'm close to both, so I can imagine this loss. I'm also a former widower, remarried after ten years. I think it is more difficult when the person has challenges, although it is never easy. Don't try to move the grieving along; it takes time, patience with yourself, and mending your relationship from your side over time. Being able to tell others about it is a good step. Take it slow. Despite the pain of loss, your sister may still have good things to share with you as good memories bolster you against the negative ones.

 

[wyfbane]

Harris,
You have my condolences and well wishes in this loss. I am so proud that you trust us as an avenue to begin deep healing. I will pray for peace for you as you move down this road.
Take care,
Mike

 

[crusader]

Talk about her more. It truly helps. Also, you have no reason to feel guilty, you loved her and did nothing wrong. MEntail illness is a very tough thing for all involved and nothing to be ashamed of. My brother in law was a very depressed person and used all sorts of drugs to cope. He took his own life intentionally unlike your sister. I myself have dealt with depression and it is a very real thing and illness like a cancer. please forgive yourself and pray for her and yourself. And if need be speak to a Priest even if not Catholic. I will keep you and your sister in prayers.

 

[cigrmaster]

mso, thanks so much for your post. Most of my memories of my sister are all good as even though she had an affliction, her joy for life was second to none. Whenever she entered a room, she would light it up. She was so funny and full of life.
wyfbane, thank you for your post as well. I really do need to share and you guys are the most understanding group of people I know.

 

[pylorns]

Really sorry to hear this. The sudden loss of loved ones often leaves us feeling the exact same way. My father in laws sudden death was very similar as we had asked him not to drive back home in the middle of the night, he did anyway and was killed by a truck driver. I bought a pipe that I dedicated to him.

 

[cigrmaster]

crusader, thanks for that post. Forgiving myself has been the hardest part because I just believe I should have done more. I am working on that though and it has been getting a tad easier at times.

 

[drumweezer]

Mental and neurological illnesses run in my family. My sister, who is 14 years older than I am, has epilepsy. I've been suffering off and on for twenty years with depression and anxiety. My mother also battles with something similar. A few years ago, my nephew was diagnosed with bipolar and has been struggling with the challenges of the illness ever since to the point of being suicidal. My family has also experienced the loss of good people because of suicide. Mental illness is a very tricky thing, and especially with the stigma surrounding it, it can be difficult for folks to get the help they need. Although I do not personally know your sister or you, I don't think she would want you to blame yourself for her accident. I know it's difficult though not to feel guilty. You love(d) her and care(d) for her. Therefore, continue to love her and care for her through the wonderful and precious memories that you have of her because that is what keeps her (us) alive more than anything else. And don't feel bad for sharing. It takes courage and tenacity to share experiences such as these.

 

[pruss]

Harris, thanks for your note and for sharing how you feel with us. As others have said, talking about your sister will help you keep her close. Feel free to use us as your audience for stories of good times you shared with her. I cannot share your pain, as my brother is still hale and hearty, but I am terrified at the prospect of losing him. So I empathize, my friend. Smoking a bowl and sending you good thoughts.
-- Pat

 

[Chasing Embers]

My first wife was bipolar and took her own life at age 20 back in '95. To this day I can't go a day without thinking about her, but thinking of the times that we laughed together always makes it easier to bear. Try to think of the good times and remember how your sister looked when she smiled. She will always be with you if thoughts of her can sometimes make you smile.

 

[phil67]

Harris,
Never, EVER think about what you could have done. As the old adage goes: 'Hindsight is 20/20' and it's only natural to think what more one could have done and you'll only end up chasing your own tail and punishing yourself to no avail. FORGET about that aspect as everyone could obviously do more for others, but life is life and we do what we do when life throws things at us. By all means grieve for your loss, but only look back on the love and never what could have, or possibly have been different as it serves no purpose. Been there, done that. Other than that, my prayers are with you and your sister. God Bless...
~Phil~

 

[daimyo]

Harris, I am sorry for your loss and thankful for you sharing this with us. When I was young I was part of an accident that took the life of my best friend. I've lived with that moment over 20 years now and it's tough but necessary to stop blaming yourself. As cliche as it sounds, hindsight truly is 20/20 and we all know you would have done anything to protect her and I'm sure she did as well. It is too easy to say "what if" but not at all helpful and that is weight your soul does not need. As hard as it is, try to keep it in mind and work towards forgiving yourself. I know that is what your sister would want for you. My deepest condolences and I think I speak for all of us when I say, if you need to talk we are here to listen.

 

[jackswilling]

Remembering her is a testament to your love for her. Have dealt with Bi-Polar disorder in my immediate family and I empathize with you. Unless you have been there it is hard to imagine how tough that is. Sounds like she was a great lady, aunt and sister.

 

[cigrmaster]

Guys, thank you so much for your warm thoughts and well wishes. It has taken me a long time just to talk about this as my emotions are still so raw. I know intellectualy that it was not my fault but emotionally is where I am still having so much trouble with hind sight. She always counted on me to be there for her and I still cannot shake the feeling I let her down. I know I need to celebrate her life as she would be pissed at me for blaming myself. I cannot thank you guys enough because I have been avoiding talking about her to anyone. It is really helping me reading all of your great posts as I know I need to get through this and the only way is to talk about it.

 

[JimInks]

Harris, I think you did the best you could under the circumstances, and you shouldn't blame yourself. I know it's easy for me to sit in front of my computer and say that. I also know she'll always be with you, and you will have some comfort in remembering the good times and the best of what she was. She'll always be alive to you and your family.

 

[gloucesterman]

I buried a brother. He fought the battle with the bottle. The night he died I could have intervened but didn't and have lived with that same question, Would the outcome have been different? Maybe, probably just posponed but sometimes you just have to trust in God. Only He knows what your sister was spared. Remember the good times and take comfort that she no longer suffers from those not so good. My prayers.

 

[weezell]

A thought and a prayer for my friend. Gods will is always not for us to know why. She rests peacefully in his arms now and has no pain or anguish. Celebrate that with a tear of joy...

 

[tarak]

Harris,
I'm terribly sorry for this loss. In the course of my health care career, I have had many interactions with patients who suffer from mental health disease. Let me reiterate what others here already have - the guilt is not yours to bear. The inability to make rational choices is part of the disease. I hope as you grieve and remember her, you can find ways to trust that you were her support and love for many years- and THAT is your story as her brother, not anything else.
I also urge you to consider taking with a counselor, spiritual leader, etc. to help process through your own emotions.
Best to you. Nice to have you back in the fold.

 

[brudnod]

My brother dies last year as well. He also had bipolar disorder. We went through some tough years but the last three when he was on appropriate meds, well taken care of in assisted living and finally had quit cigarette smoking, were the most precious. I too miss him greatly. We talked every day until the last two weeks before he died. There is no replacement, no reliving. But the memories can be sweet and the times that are past treasured. God bless.

 

[brudnod]

Actually, I marvel that I did not share that here??? You all are so supportive.