Quirky Family Sayings; Edit: Caution Salty Language

[buster]

OK after my first post I took a nap and it came to me that uncle John said, " dip me in shit and swarm me with flies. I will never smile again." When some thing did not go well. He also said ," we'll ain't that a kick in the dick." :D some thing about Texans and colorful descriptions?

 

[goldflinger1]

"cut my legs off and call me shorty"

 

[taerin]

My father's favorite line when anyone says something foolish, "it is better to be a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt."

 

[dirtybearpipes]

Haha "salty language"... that's a great phrase in itself!

 

[matchstickman]

Oooooooh goody. This is a thread in which I am well versed. My father had a million of them growing up. Here are some of my favorites:
When looking at an object that he couldn't figure out how to use or thought looked odd: "I wouldn't shove one of those up my ass if I had room for two of them."
When finding an item totally useless: "I need to buy two of those, one to S**t on and one to cover it up with."
When one of us kids injured a finger or a toe: "What the hell you screaming about? You've got nine more."
"Does it hurt when you do that?" "Yes." "Well, damnit, don't do that."
"Darker than a carload of assholes"
When getting ready for a meal and someone suggested that we all say Grace: "Good food, good meat, Good Lord, let's eat."
And my all time favorite, when one of us kids did or said something totally moronic: "When the hell are your REAL parents going to come get you?"

 

[crpntr1]

Ha pipenovelist I still use the "if it hurts to do that, don't do it" line

 

[crpntr1]

When someone in the house is whining and moaning about something.."you know what'll make you feel better, cry about it..somewhere else"

 

[guitarguy86]

My dad, as well as many others, used to say, "I'm gonna come down on you like a ton of bricks!"

 

[sjpipesmoker]

2 things my dad always told me,

"if you don't like the rules, then leave"

"if you ever get arrested, Don't call me, cause i'm not gonna bail you out"
(i never been to jail or prison, execpt for work)

 

[oldredbeard]

When seeing something ugly "That looks like death eating a saltine cracker"

 

[topd]

From an old SgtMaj I used to work with, said to a young officer he didn't care for very much:
"Major, I wouldn't piss up your ass if your guts were on fire!"

 

[pipesicle]

Pipe Novelist, When one of us would get hurt and look for sympathy from our dad, his comment was "c'mon we will go into the kitchen and get the big knife."
When my grandma was young and had her 7 kids during the depression, if one of the kids brought home a dog she would get a piece of rope that had a noose in it and hang the dog from the clothes line. So when ever one of us screwed up something, the first thing that was hollered out was, "Get the short rope." 8O

 

[hobie1dog]

When someone says,"I know you from somewhere, have we met before?"
I respond, "So you like Porn too?"

 

[cigrmaster]

My dads mom never used foul language so instead if she was pissed she would say " cheese and crackers" It used to make me laugh my ass off for some reason.
My favorite if one of my kids does something or says something stupid, I say in my Boston accent. " what are you retaaded"
My dad also used to like limericks, here are a few of his favorites.
There was an old man from Madras

Whose balls were made out of brass

In inclimate weather

They banged together

And lightning shot out of his ass.
There was an old man with an art

Of making a sweet dinner tart

With a handful of shit

Some snot and some spit

He flavored the whole with a fart
There was an old man from Belgrade

Who kept a dead whore in a cave

It's not nice I'll admit

He's a bit of a shit

But look at the money he saved
There was an old chinaman drunk

Who went for a sale in his junk

While dreaming of Venus

He played with his penis

Till he floated away in the spunk

 

[juvat270]

"Next time, pull your god damn head outta your ass!" was one of dad's regular sayings.

 

[rlunderhill]

Didn't get any words of wisdom, just beatings.

 

[havanarick]

Favorite saying around the house here, "it is what it is"

 

[ravkesef]

From my Navy days, the Executive Officer complained about something I hadn't done the way he wanted. When I responded: "Same thing, only different," he said: "It can't be the same thing only different. It's either the same, or it's different." When I told him it could, he asked me to prove it. I told him the following: "suppose you stuck your nose up my ass. Look where we'd be: I'd have a nose up the ass, you'd have a nose up the ass. Same thing, only different." The Exec turned beet red, but the Captain was laughing so hard that the Exec was powerless to do anything about it.

 

[joshy]

Whenever I've asked my father for something I'd always get the response of "You've got a better chance of seeing God."

 

[shaintiques]

Yeah, dirty!