Pipe Smoking, Relationships, and Compromise

[LeafErikson]

As litup asked above, there are a myriad of reasons why she might not want you to smoke. Is it because of the smell? Health risks? Time spent away from her? It would have been a deal-breaker for me if my wife didn't accept the fact that I smoke. It was something that she was signing up for when she met me though, not something that I started once we had been together for years.

Whatever you decide, I would suggest getting it sorted before you move in together and potentially begin to intermingle your finances.

 

[Grangerous]

I enjoy grabbing a coffee and the solitude of my car.

Drive to a nice scenic spot. Run the heater if necessary, crack a window.

Talk radio or music at your fingertips.

Even at home; a car in the driveway is a comfort in freezing weather.

When it’s pleasant, I usually just smoke in the garage.

 

[InWithBothFeet]

Don't be seduced. Keep you life choices firmly in your own hands and don't give up your autonomy by handing it to someone else. Certainly don't allow yourself to be driven from your own home because someone else doesn't like your habits. They can adapt to you or they can go elsewhere.

 

[SSGT.]

Communication is the key to any relationship. Talk it out you'll know what to do ultimately, it's your discission not a bunch of codgers on a pipe forum.
Personally, I have never smoked in the house, even when we were stationed in Virginia. Now I'm fortunate enough to have retired to Texas and the weather is mostly accommodating to smoking on the porch. But in all honesty, I think she was so thrilled when I gave up cigarettes for the pipe she wouldn't have cared if I smoked in the house. But since she has never smoked, I still smoke outside. Been together 43 years next month and still going.

 

[dd57chevy]

Agree with SSGT . Communication !!!!! Discuss as many subjects as you can . X 10 if considering marriage .

Obviously smoking
Do you want kids . How many ?
Willingness to live on a budget
Work
Family issues
Where to live
Food preferences
Chore division
Pets
Hobbies
Etc.
Etc.
Etc.

 

[fireground_piper]

A challenge for sure, but communication is the way. My wife doesn't like cigarettes, tolerates cigars but likes many pipe tobacco blends. I smoke cigars outside, and excluding latakia forward blends am pretty free to smoke in the house. When I do, I typically keep it to a room I installed an exhaust fan in the ceiling to help with any lingering smoke. Sometimes we will watch a movie together though in the living room and that's fine too.

I'm fortunate that it doesn't bother her and I also make sure I keep things clean. If you empty your ashtray, you don't really get a stale "ashtray" smell leftover in the house (surprise, surprise) so I always discard it before going to bed.

A little courtesy keeps everyone happy. None of that really helps if she's heavily anti-smoking, but I find the little things help keep it that way.

 

[VDL_Piper]

Seems like many wives have disdain for the ambrosia that is Latakia

 

[VUswim73]

I have wondered about the room-sized air filters I see advertised in places Cigar Aficionado. I have not tried any of them yet as the climate here in Chattanooga is usually mild enough for me to be comfortable on the deck. Not right now though with a low of 10 tonight!

 

[OzPiper]

Agree with SSGT . Communication !!!!! Discuss as many subjects as you can . X 10 if considering marriage .

Obviously smoking
Do you want kids . How many ?
Willingness to live on a budget
Work
Family issues
Where to live
Food preferences
Chore division
Pets
Hobbies
Etc.
Etc.
Etc.

You discussed ALL THAT ?
No wonder my wife took 10 years to decide to marry me

 

[HawkeyeLinus]

Agree with SSGT . Communication !!!!! Discuss as many subjects as you can . X 10 if considering marriage .

Obviously smoking
Do you want kids . How many ?
Willingness to live on a budget
Work
Family issues
Where to live
Food preferences
Chore division
Pets
Hobbies
Etc.
Etc.
Etc.

Many things reveal themselves - we were engaged after 11 months, married 8 months later and just “knew” - never talked about budgets!

 

[pinem]

My wife was not happy about me starting, but it wasn't a deal breaker, and I told her I'd keep it outside.

Then my wife didn't care for the smell of smoke on me, but it wasn't a deal breaker, and I did my best to clean up afterwards to lessen the smell.

Then my wife didn't care for the TAD and PAD, but it wasn't a deal breaker, and I made sure be open about it and keep the buying well within our means.

Then my wife didn't like me smoking upwind of window, as smoke would get in the house, and I moved to the detached garage.

When we moved to a new house that had an attached 3-season room, she was not happy with me smoking in it, so I bought a bunch of different deodorizers to neutralize the smell.

Fast forward 10 years, and at this point, she doesn't care if I smoke my pipe, doesnt care the 3 season room smells of smoke, doesn't care if I come to bed smelling of smoke, doesnt care if I buy a new pipe or more tobacco, and when camping will let me know when she likes the blend I'm smoking.

Still a long way from moving it into the house, though. I floated the dedicated room trial-balloon a few months back, and she made it very clear that was a bridge too far. I'll wait a few more years and ease the idea into conversation again and see if there is any give. Maybe by the time we are empty nesters, she'll come around. If not, no big deal, probably good to give my mouth a 2 to 3 month rest every year.

It's a give and take thing. Patience, communication, more patience, more communication, etc.

This all said, if you have the misfortune of indicating that a few bits of wood and smelly leaves are more important than her, well don't be surprised when she walks out. Don't be lured by the siren song of materialism. Don't be a gadget geek.

Lastly, depending on who in the relationship first floated the cohabitation idea, you might want to give some thought to the notion that cohabitation essentially says, "I want to be able to continue with the choice to drop this relationship on a dime, but I am too poor/cheap to pay my own rent/mortgage while we figure out if we want to enter into a sacred vow, all or nothing, relationship or not". Or something like that. You should't need to live together to know if taking the plunge makes sense. Dating is a horrible joke, but it's a necessary evil to find a long-term mate. Don't prolonged the misery with cohabitation, make a decision and move on.

 

[InWithBothFeet]

Yes, don't prolong the misery with living together, the sooner you get married, the sooner you can get the divorce started and get your house signed over to her... or like the one fellow said, "I gave up on marriage, Every few years I just find a woman I hate and buy her a house."

 

[irishearl]

I smoke only in the den with a fan in the window. Consequently, the smoke does not seem to seep out into other rooms.

 

[bullet08]

My wife knew I smoked we met. She knew I smoked when we got married. So she let me smoke outside x)

 

[Sgetz]

Is your lady friend against your pipe smoking because she thinks it is a bad habit and bad for you? Does she resent the time apart from you that is taken up by smoking? Does she dislike the smell of smoke? It sounds like you don't even know yet and you just suspect that she's not a fan. I think the best advice I could give you would be to talk to her about it before coming to us seeking solutions since your problem hasn't been clearly defined yet.

This is it exactly

 

[condorlover1]

Kiss her once and she will scream. Take the pipe out of your mouth and kiss her again! I have been married three times. I suppose I am always looking for the next ex-Mrs Condor but as my father used to say, up to forty sex is free, after forty you pay for it or tell a good story! I think you have to tell her that somethings are negotiable and somethings require comprise whilst the pipe is a no discussion subject. Most women who hate cigarettes will tolerate a pipe, my wife enjoys an occasional cigar but hates cigarettes. If she wants a future with you and the possibility of economic security, much like a cat she will soon know who has control of the Fancy Feast!

 

[MisterBadger]

If you've been in a similar situation, how did you approach arriving at a compromise?


Secondly, if you had to reduce your cellar and/or pipe collection, how would you go about it?

- - -

A couple of years ago, I toyed with the idea of reducing my pipe collection down to a single 7-day rotation. That kind of failed miserably. But in reality, I only smoke about 3/4 of my more popular pipes and the rent are kind of just a greedy power trip over the desire to own a pipe.

1) In any relationship, it is not good for either party to have it all their own way. No one should ever marry or enter into a partnership with serious commitment, believing that somehow they are going to change the other entirely to their liking. That's abusive intent.Beware such people: the first Mrs. Badger was one of those. If you love somebody, you allow their shortcomings (as you see them), and the other should do the same. After two years' dating I'd have expected the pair of you would have worked this one out already. The fact that you haven't, and are being reticent with each other, frankly doesn't augur well for a happy life together. You may not like it, but I think @warren has your answer.

2) a) Pipes: I like variety, so (if for some reason it were absolutely necessary) to reduce to a rotation of 7 I'd keep three briars, one large, one small, one medium, a couple of preferred Meerschaums, my pearwood, and my morta. I could be content with that. b) I am less fond of variety in tobaccos, so that would be even easier: I could pare down to a single VA/Per, a Semois, a Burley based blend and a pure Virginia (a strong twist). No way am I going to revert to the Cavendish aromatics I used to smoke long ago simply because Mrs. Badger prefers the smell of them. She prefers me not to smoke at all, I don't do it under her nose. That's our compromise.

 

[RNg.Mulligan]

For your first question: my wife was, like many others, not too fond of smoking. I didn't hide or lie about engaging in the hobby but I made sure to be respectful of how I practiced it: (1) only smoking outdoors, (2) changing clothes immediately so she wouldn't smell smoke on me, (3) brushing teeth and tongue thoroughly for same reasons, (4) respect the monthly budget, (5) don't let it somehow become an addiction. Compromise and respect is a sure way to survive a marriage, but if she really couldn't budge or rationalize with me, then I was prepared have to let smoking go. Fortunately for me, she understood and accepted. I don't have to hide my cellar or my deliveries from her.

For your second question: I probably wouldn't reduce my cellar by any method other than smoking it. I wouldn't sell anything off unless it was to support my family. If i had extra pipes, I'd gift them to friends who were interested.

 

[Briar Lee]

When I read things like this, I’m reminded of my first wife. She smoked herself, so that was no problem.

I took her and her younger sister home to meet my mother, who herself was an extremely beautiful, refined, educated, immaculately dressed woman, with the temper of a honey badger.

Afterwards I asked Mama what she thought of her.

She chose her words carefully. Mama said that in all her life she had never actually seen and talked to any girl more beautiful, unless it was her younger sister. And her father being the richest banker in the Ozarks and owning a dozen banks, didn’t hurt her chances either.

But she said, if you marry that girl, her disposition will not improve over the years, as her beauty fades.

My grandmother was more direct. She said you’ll be that girl’s possession if you’re such a fool as to marry her, and not her sister that looks at you like you’re a piece of candy.

They were both right. All four are dead now, and I’d do it all again if I could.

The apostle Paul had it right, he said marriage wasn’t a good thing, but it is better to marry than to burn.

Being all alone, is something we all dread more than anything.

 

[sardonicus87]

Smoke cigarettes. Doesn't matter what brand, but smoke outside, though do it strategically when she'll be around outside or something. Let her get accustomed to the smell.

Then, smoke some light burley in a pipe or something like DTM Devil's Holiday... she'll be so relieved and be totally fine with it in comparison to the cigarette smell.

You could also do the same with cigars.

Personally, my wife doesn't care if I smoke a pipe inside. I mean, she might if I threw some rustica in it or something. It's been too cold outside so I have been having my pipe inside, she almost couldn't even smell it being in the same room as me when I was smoking LJP Blend No. 52.

I still prefer smoking outside though myself, and absolutely will not smoke cigarettes inside no matter what (I can't stand the stale cigarette smoke odor or the lingering second-hand smoke). Pipe I also prefer outside, but will smoke inside on occasions like this where it's freezing outside.

One reality these days though with dating... most people who don't themselves smoke, really hate smoking and tobacco use, with many of them having it as a deal-breaker. It'll be hard finding anyone who will accept this, and that's their prerogative, and there's no sense trying to change their mind on it. If it doesn't work out with who you're dating now and you go back out there, just be up-front with things like that, that you use tobacco and have no intention to stop, but promise them you won't like, smoke in front of them or subject them to second-hand smoke. That's a fair compromise to me.