Pipe Smoking, Relationships, and Compromise

[LeafErikson]

As litup asked above, there are a myriad of reasons why she might not want you to smoke. Is it because of the smell? Health risks? Time spent away from her? It would have been a deal-breaker for me if my wife didn't accept the fact that I smoke. It was something that she was signing up for when she met me though, not something that I started once we had been together for years.

Whatever you decide, I would suggest getting it sorted before you move in together and potentially begin to intermingle your finances.

 

[Grangerous]

I enjoy grabbing a coffee and the solitude of my car.

Drive to a nice scenic spot. Run the heater if necessary, crack a window.

Talk radio or music at your fingertips.

Even at home; a car in the driveway is a comfort in freezing weather.

When it’s pleasant, I usually just smoke in the garage.

 

[InWithBothFeet]

Don't be seduced. Keep you life choices firmly in your own hands and don't give up your autonomy by handing it to someone else. Certainly don't allow yourself to be driven from your own home because someone else doesn't like your habits. They can adapt to you or they can go elsewhere.

 

[SSGT.]

Communication is the key to any relationship. Talk it out you'll know what to do ultimately, it's your discission not a bunch of codgers on a pipe forum.
Personally, I have never smoked in the house, even when we were stationed in Virginia. Now I'm fortunate enough to have retired to Texas and the weather is mostly accommodating to smoking on the porch. But in all honesty, I think she was so thrilled when I gave up cigarettes for the pipe she wouldn't have cared if I smoked in the house. But since she has never smoked, I still smoke outside. Been together 43 years next month and still going.

 

[dd57chevy]

Agree with SSGT . Communication !!!!! Discuss as many subjects as you can . X 10 if considering marriage .

Obviously smoking
Do you want kids . How many ?
Willingness to live on a budget
Work
Family issues
Where to live
Food preferences
Chore division
Pets
Hobbies
Etc.
Etc.
Etc.

 

[fireground_piper]

A challenge for sure, but communication is the way. My wife doesn't like cigarettes, tolerates cigars but likes many pipe tobacco blends. I smoke cigars outside, and excluding latakia forward blends am pretty free to smoke in the house. When I do, I typically keep it to a room I installed an exhaust fan in the ceiling to help with any lingering smoke. Sometimes we will watch a movie together though in the living room and that's fine too.

I'm fortunate that it doesn't bother her and I also make sure I keep things clean. If you empty your ashtray, you don't really get a stale "ashtray" smell leftover in the house (surprise, surprise) so I always discard it before going to bed.

A little courtesy keeps everyone happy. None of that really helps if she's heavily anti-smoking, but I find the little things help keep it that way.

 

[VDL_Piper]

Seems like many wives have disdain for the ambrosia that is Latakia

 

[VUswim73]

I have wondered about the room-sized air filters I see advertised in places Cigar Aficionado. I have not tried any of them yet as the climate here in Chattanooga is usually mild enough for me to be comfortable on the deck. Not right now though with a low of 10 tonight!

 

[OzPiper]

Agree with SSGT . Communication !!!!! Discuss as many subjects as you can . X 10 if considering marriage .

Obviously smoking
Do you want kids . How many ?
Willingness to live on a budget
Work
Family issues
Where to live
Food preferences
Chore division
Pets
Hobbies
Etc.
Etc.
Etc.

You discussed ALL THAT ?
No wonder my wife took 10 years to decide to marry me

 

[HawkeyeLinus]

Agree with SSGT . Communication !!!!! Discuss as many subjects as you can . X 10 if considering marriage .

Obviously smoking
Do you want kids . How many ?
Willingness to live on a budget
Work
Family issues
Where to live
Food preferences
Chore division
Pets
Hobbies
Etc.
Etc.
Etc.

Many things reveal themselves - we were engaged after 11 months, married 8 months later and just “knew” - never talked about budgets!

 

[pinem]

My wife was not happy about me starting, but it wasn't a deal breaker, and I told her I'd keep it outside.

Then my wife didn't care for the smell of smoke on me, but it wasn't a deal breaker, and I did my best to clean up afterwards to lessen the smell.

Then my wife didn't care for the TAD and PAD, but it wasn't a deal breaker, and I made sure be open about it and keep the buying well within our means.

Then my wife didn't like me smoking upwind of window, as smoke would get in the house, and I moved to the detached garage.

When we moved to a new house that had an attached 3-season room, she was not happy with me smoking in it, so I bought a bunch of different deodorizers to neutralize the smell.

Fast forward 10 years, and at this point, she doesn't care if I smoke my pipe, doesnt care the 3 season room smells of smoke, doesn't care if I come to bed smelling of smoke, doesnt care if I buy a new pipe or more tobacco, and when camping will let me know when she likes the blend I'm smoking.

Still a long way from moving it into the house, though. I floated the dedicated room trial-balloon a few months back, and she made it very clear that was a bridge too far. I'll wait a few more years and ease the idea into conversation again and see if there is any give. Maybe by the time we are empty nesters, she'll come around. If not, no big deal, probably good to give my mouth a 2 to 3 month rest every year.

It's a give and take thing. Patience, communication, more patience, more communication, etc.

This all said, if you have the misfortune of indicating that a few bits of wood and smelly leaves are more important than her, well don't be surprised when she walks out. Don't be lured by the siren song of materialism. Don't be a gadget geek.

Lastly, depending on who in the relationship first floated the cohabitation idea, you might want to give some thought to the notion that cohabitation essentially says, "I want to be able to continue with the choice to drop this relationship on a dime, but I am too poor/cheap to pay my own rent/mortgage while we figure out if we want to enter into a sacred vow, all or nothing, relationship or not". Or something like that. You should't need to live together to know if taking the plunge makes sense. Dating is a horrible joke, but it's a necessary evil to find a long-term mate. Don't prolonged the misery with cohabitation, make a decision and move on.

 

[InWithBothFeet]

Yes, don't prolong the misery with living together, the sooner you get married, the sooner you can get the divorce started and get your house signed over to her... or like the one fellow said, "I gave up on marriage, Every few years I just find a woman I hate and buy her a house."

 

[irishearl]

I smoke only in the den with a fan in the window. Consequently, the smoke does not seem to seep out into other rooms.

 

[bullet08]

My wife knew I smoked we met. She knew I smoked when we got married. So she let me smoke outside x)

 

[Sgetz]

Is your lady friend against your pipe smoking because she thinks it is a bad habit and bad for you? Does she resent the time apart from you that is taken up by smoking? Does she dislike the smell of smoke? It sounds like you don't even know yet and you just suspect that she's not a fan. I think the best advice I could give you would be to talk to her about it before coming to us seeking solutions since your problem hasn't been clearly defined yet.

This is it exactly