Older Guys: What are Your Thoughts?

[AppalachianPipe92]

I'll start by saying I'm 30 years of age and have 3 kids - one being a new born.
I recently switched jobs to work closer from home, but some mixed feelings have come with it. My last job made great money, but I commuted all over and was gone a good bit for this work. My new job makes quite a bit less, but I'm only 5 minutes from home and its a lot easier. The time I get with family is ten fold, and I'm not too tired or stressed after work to go out and do stuff when I get home.
My question is, do you work hard and long while your younger to gather as much wealth as you can while your kids are young? Or do you put time with family above all?
The second job isn't bad money by any means, the first one is just so much more.
I saw this with my dad, he chose the first option. But he's stresses to me that it was the wrong choice and I should go with the second option - that chasing money created its own problems.
Do any of the older guys here have experience with this? I can see the pros and cons of both jobs and am curious how this has played out for others. I know money isn't everything, but it doesn't suck either.

 

[irishearl]

There's an old saying that, upon your deathbed you won't be regretting not spending enough time at the office.

 

[RustiePyles CPG]

I was road warrior for a very long time, you will live longer if you get off the road. All that money won't do you any good if you're dead from a stress induced coronary.

 

[didimauw]

Let me start by saying I'm 33 this year. When I got the job for the railroad, I was offered 100k a year, so we packed up and moved our family 3 hours north. The money was great, but I was only home every 3rd day, and missed out on a lot of family time.

Long story short, 3 years later I hurt my back and quit, and moved back home.

After a few crappy jobs in between, Now I am a stay home dad working a very part time job, only a few hours a week. My wife now works for the state, finishing up her master's degree and brings in the money. Not railroad money, but good enough.

My current job, I choose when I want to work. And literally just show up, stay however long I want, and leave. No schedule, no direct supervisor, nothing.

Even though times have been hard and we barely get by money wise, I've never been happier. I'm making 1/4th of the money I used to, but Im home every night, get to homeschool my daughter and drive her to dance 3 days a week, and haven't worked a weekend in a long time.

I wouldn't change a thing.

 

[AppalachianPipe92]

Let me start by saying I'm 33 this year. When I got the job for the railroad, I was offered 100k a year, so we packed up and moved our family 3 hours north. The money was great, but I was only home every 3rd day, and missed out on a lot of family time.

Long story short, 3 years later I hurt my back and quit, and moved back home.

After a few crappy jobs in between, Now I am a stay home dad working a very part time job, only a few hours a week. My wife now works for the state, finishing up her master's degree and brings in the money. Not railroad money, but good enough.

My current job, I choose when I want to work. And literally just show up, stay however long I want, and leave. No schedule, no direct supervisor, nothing.

Even though times have been hard and we barely get by money wise, I've never been happier. I'm making 1/4th of the money I used to, but Im home every night, get to homeschool my daughter and drive her to dance 3 days a week, and haven't worked a weekend in a long time.

I wouldn't change a thing.

That's where I'm at kind of. For the first time ever, I'm at all my kids practice and games. We hike and fish after work, I practice their sports with em, they help me farm. It's been awesome getting to spend that much time with them and not have to worry about clients and my phone and job sites, etc.

 

[greysmoke]

Permit this codger a yarn.

Some time in the 1980's I went to work while wearing a Holter Monitor: a device much like an oversized Sony Walkman (that's a joke) that was wired up to my chest. It turned a cassette tape very slowly and took an EKG reading of my heartbeat for 24 hours.

Some days later, while reading the result, my doctor asked: "What were you doing at 7:04 a.m.?" He showed me where the EKG tracing abruptly began spiking, showing frenzied cardiac activity for several minutes. I shrugged, not remembering being particularly frisky at that time time.

The following day, as I drove to work, my eye happened to glance at the clock on the dashboard of my car. The time was 7:04 a.m. At that moment, I was on the Imperial Highway onramp to Interstate 409, southbound, in Los Angeles County, just about to merge onto many lanes of fast moving, aggressive streams of traffic.

My commutes over the years averaged about 45 minutes each way -- but there's more lost than just time. Stress is real, and it kills.

Today, I'm 64. I'm still working full time, 100% from my home office except for a rare business trip. I wish I'd been able to do this decades ago when my kids were young. Now, they're grown and we're raising a crop of grandchildren together. I still feel stress at work, but mostly due to corporate politics. Fortunately, I like what I do.

My advice FWIW: raise your kids. Die poor if necessary, but make sure they know who you are. That won't take care of all your troubles, but it'll make a dent.

 

[warren]

My question is, do you work hard and long while your younger to gather as much wealth as you can while your kids are young?

I did both when younger and it was sometiimes very wearing and tiresome. I always strove to put a hundred dollars a month into savings and then developed a plan for investing. I didn't spend moneys recklessly, didn't need a new car every couple of years, no airplane like some of my co-workers, worked to make myself more valuable to my employer to secure advancement. It was never about me in the present. Family and future were the driving forces when I was planning financially. Being a parent is hard and, for the most part, rewarding. A lot younger adults can't come to grips with the idea that the world no longer revolves around them. I also, on purpose, stayed out of romantic attachments until my thirties. Establising myself in my career, adhering to my plans for advancement simply precluded such. Did I get some bar time with my co-workers? More than necessary I'm sure. A down side was my wife died just month before our first grandchild was born. Actions have consequences.

There was always time for family, picnics, catch, a country drive, homework assistance and such. Early on our amusements were as inexpensive as possible. Lots of time in the yard with the daughter and so forth. Being a parent means your wishes are always secondary to family time. Sometimes you drag your tired ass home. have to sit quiently in car for a few minutes and then suck it up and give wife and kid(s) the time they need. It all pays off in twenty or so years . . . usually.

 

[UB 40]

Enjoy your days, quality time is a limited resource.

 

[warren]

I should note, my parents training and the big brother all took time to teach me money management. I made mistakes along the way, some whoppers to be sure. But, by and large, older brother and parents (products of the "Great Depression") prepared me well. The late marriage idea was all mine though. I had some oats to sow and a wife/family wouldn't fit into that period of my life.

 

[HawkeyeLinus]

Made a change and move at 35 - my $ didn't change much but it eliminated way more time than I wanted out of town, closer to extended family, BUT we made the decision to forego the wife's income for a few years so she could be home with our 16 month old and planned next one until the time was right for her to back to work. As a result I had the flexibly to be there for kids' stuff (can't say 100%, that's life, but I'd say 90% of what I wanted to get to I could get to vs. a lot less if we hadn't made a change). The change was more than just family oriented, the nature of the job changed as well in addition to less travel, all positive. No idea what that means to someone else, but it worked out great for us.

 

[ADKPiper]

Since Covid I work exclusively at home.
And the pay is better because I can take jobs in Virginia and DC and NYC and Boston etc.

 

[Flatfish]

If you have enough to live on, be content.
Your time with your family will be worth more to them than anything you can buy them.

 

[LotusEater]

Spend time with your children while they are young. You can make money later but your kids will never be 3 or 4 or 5 years old again. I made a conscious decision to be at all of my sons games and practices and school functions when he was young. He will be a senior in highs school next fall and I know I made the right choice. I could have advanced my career and made more money had I made different choices but I can’t imagine having missed his childhood.

 

[Arthur Frayn]

You will never get the time back that you spend answering work emails, developing site plans, answering phone calls and spending hours in marketing/ HR meetings.

On the other hand, that time you pulled over and watched the earth moving trucks with your three year old son is priceless. The sweetness when your four year old begs you to push her ever higher on the swing set will stay with you forever. You roll your eyes at the thought of reading out loud that insipid picture book, while your child pleads with you to read more- talk more about the story. They are happy to spend the seemingly endless hours with their dad.

Im not going to lie, it's exhausting to be a good daddy.

It happens gradually at first then all of a sudden kids pull away from you- as they always will. Time spent with family, outdoors, eating a meal together are the times that people recall as the best of times.

The importance of making money is small in comparison.

 

[bullet08]

Balance is what you are looking for. Anyone who says love is all you need is a moron. Of course, you need money. But you also need to make sure the kids grow up to be a proper contributing member of a society. So, you bring the books out and budget things to see how much you will need to provide for the family and how many things you can live without. Make sure that love is great, but occasional gift and things are great too. For very long time, I worked at night and played with kids during the day. Worked close to home without any traveling so I can take kids to extracurricular activities. I think they turned out pretty good. They haven't killed anyone, so by today's standard, they are just about perfect.

 

[TheIronMonkey]

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[fireground_piper]

I’ll be 40 soon. I make a fair salary, at least more than I ever thought I’d make coming from my area, and Iv always had a commute.

For about 4 years in the mid-2000s I went in to Manhattan which was roughly 2.5 hours each way with driving and trains. Then I landed a gig in NJ in 2009 that is 100 mile round trip so while quicker than Manhattan, it still takes 1-1.5 hours each way pending traffic.

I have put a lot of lost hours to the car/train. To that end, covid was a bit of a blessing as I got so much time back without the commute. Even if I invested some of that saved time back into work, I still also got more for myself and time with my wife. Last year I started back 1 day per week and recently 2 per corporate mandates.

The keen realization to how much time is simply vanished from commuting has never been more present. I have been aggressively clearing all loans (only a bit left on the house) for a few years now so I can comfortably live on a smaller income within the not too distant future.

Between the commute and years of job stresses, it was good for a while but the need to change has never been more clear. If you focus on clearing debt (if you have any), it makes the income reduction less of a thought.

 

[mso489]

The fact that you know the value of time parenting your kids is probably the best validation of the choice you have made.

Sadly, in the U.S., most states have sharply cut the support of state colleges and passed that expense along to parents and students, which increases the stress on parents paying tuition and students, graduates or not, paying off student debt.

Just track that and guide your kids as they get older. Some young people do better than college students in careers and earning, if they get valuable skills early and good community college or internships. And they have to believe in the work they plan to do.

Any leverage kids can get through sports abilities or extracurricular activities to get financial aid for college might pay off.

So your kids can progress with their lives and you can retire comfortably without depending on a lot of help from your kids.

Sounds to me like you have it all well under control.

 

[Arthur Frayn]

Balance is what you are looking for. Anyone who says love is all you need is a moron. Of course, you need money. But you also need to make sure the kids grow up to be a proper contributing member of a society. So, you bring the books out and budget things to see how much you will need to provide for the family and how many things you can live without. Make sure that love is great, but occasional gift and things are great too. For very long time, I worked at night and played with kids during the day. Worked close to home without any traveling so I can take kids to extracurricular activities. I think they turned out pretty good. They haven't killed anyone, so by today's standard, they are just about perfect.

Of course, as a man one needs to be mindful of his responsibilities; you've got to be a good earner.

Money can be hard to come by and that can create stress. I assumed that most people know not to spend it carelessly and get into debt, living beyond their means. I admit that I was sometimes wrong. In my long career, I periodically came into contact with immature parents- bed hopping and creating problems by abusing drugs and whatnot. It always surprised and dismayed me. People being utterly absent from the children's lives then buying extravagate gifts that they couldn't afford for their children- to compensate. It happens, things don't work out and people aren't perfect.

Also, it happens that the person we chose to be the mother of our children is flawed beyond endurance and cant compromise as and adult. Everyone gets exasperated, scared and desperate at times.

Looking back, it's best not to dwell on the disappointments, hurts and petty things. The things that seem like they were taken form you. That can result in bitterness. We all have known that person. People can get by on very little and still be happy. Being on the same page as one's wife, while not always easy is of extreme importance to a remaining happy family. Low key or casual downtime- time spent with family is, imo much more significant that 'putting in' the hours commuting or at work.

 

[dunnyboy]

Your question is a difficult one. It's easy to say family comes first—and of course that's undeniably true—but if it were that simple you wouldn't be asking the question. There are both psychological and practical issues to consider. (I'm assuming you didn't hate your prior job, just the commuting and time away from home.)

On the psychological side, earning good money and providing a nice lifestyle for your family is a source of pride. If you can feel good about yourself making less money than you did before, that's great. Not everyone can. Doesn't make them a bad husband or father. You have to be at peace with your decision to be able enjoy your family. It's hard to do so if you feel you've made too big a sacrifice of your own ambition.

On the practical side, everything costs money—housing, college or the equivalent, retirement (and those are just the big ticket items). If you can live within your means, save for your kids education and your retirement and have a few bucks for luxuries, then you're ahead of the game. In many families both parents have to work to accomplish those things. Living within your means is the key. I know lots of people who work long hours, make a ton of money, and still manage to spend more than they make. Believe me, that stress is just as great as working too hard.

Bottom line, your father knows you better than anyone. He probably understands all the issues you're grappling with and still has endorsed your decision. That says more than anything the rest of us could say.