My Vasectomy... Chapter 2

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wyfbane

Lifer
Apr 26, 2013
5,117
3,517
Tennessee
Disclaimer: The following program is rated PG-13. It contains course language and continued violence (Again, to my bits). Parental discretion is advised. 24 hour clock will be used in this tale.
Chapter 2: How to fuck up your recovery and the big secrets they DON'T tell you until you talk to Vasectomy Vets after the fact.
Welcome back, gentle reader. Chapter one ended with my hobble to the car with freshly disconnected jubblies. I wasn’t in a bunch of pain, but I was careful as I settled into the car to begin our 2 drive in the 95 degree weather. Due to our timeline getting to the hospital, we needed to stop in Lacey, 20 minutes down the road, to get bags of frozen corn. (I opted for Corn, as I figured it had a longer lifespan of freeze/melt-on-junk factor than Peas).
I was feeling pretty froggy, so I had my wife get a 4 pc fried chicken meal and some jo jos. I like to eat, what can I say. I took the precaution of popping a percocet. Here is not the place to extol the virtues of this wonderdrug, but let us just say that it has always treated me well… I snacked and dozed with corn on my junk all the way down to Vancouver.
I must note here that I just never really felt like the corn was getting it done. I figured it was the drugs, but I just didn’t think my boys were getting the proper chill. I watched a movie with my dad on the couch, and started to get kind of sweat. Our house in near perfect, including a new furnace, but it doesn’t have central air. I had a fan right on me, but I was sweaty and kind of… bleh.
The movie ended and my dad left. I got up to get more corn and was way past bleh. Percocet had failed me. I barfed a LOT. I then got fresh corn on my jubblies and passed out. Next 2 days were just lame. I iced but it didn’t work and I was always careful to wear the accursed jock strap on the boys. No more pills and the pain wasn’t bad. Just a tug on the right nut and a general feeling of discomfort.
So the morning of the 3rd day I awoke feeling… ok. It was the Cark County giant garage sale at the fairgrounds. I hobbled around, rousing the wife and kidlet and off we went. I figured if I felt a tug, we could just stop there and come home. I scored a sealed tin of Prince Albert from 1952 that doesn’t shake!

By the end of the second parking lot full of booths, I k n e w I had overstepped my limit… It was in the 90’s and I could feel righty tuggin’ pretty hard. No pipes scored, but the wife got some great glassware and we got a neat fishbowl for my son.
We left. I got home and checked out the damage. Sure nuff. Righty was hanging 5/8 of an inch lower than lefty… a position he holds to this day and I am assuming is permanent. I sighed and decided to take a more drastic approach to icing. I took cooling blocks from our cooler, put them in plastic and just took turns wedging them on either side of the boys. For the next 2 days I did that and it seemed to help a little. There was still a consistent tug on my right nut. No pain, but perpetual discomfort. I finally asked my wife to buy underwear on Monday.
EUREKA! I had just learned Unwritten rule 1 of the Vasectomy: If you normally go commando, you need to wear underwear AND a jock strap to support the boys.
I went to work on Tuesday. I was wedging ice blocks in my pants for 3 days there. Thursday night I went to pee, dropped my trou to get it done and bled all over the toilet. Seems my incision liked to stick to my skivvies. UNCOOL! Very UNCOOL!!
So now I had to be careful. Plus I got some kind of jock itch from the heat and wearing all the damn clothing under my pants that I never normally wear.
Friday, the truth was revealed! I was at work and comparing stories: my boss (who I believe was being honest) told me Unwritten rule 2 of the Vasectomy: Once you are doing your mandatory self-gratifications to prove to the doc your pipes are clean of the squigglies, the 2nd or 3rd shot may be pink from the blood that got in the tubes from the operation… Don’t panic, it’s normal.
My buddy Mike got his done when he was an Artillery observer. 10 days after he was in the field and jumped off a bunker(the dumbass) and broke everything open and had to sit on ice for almost 2 weeks while he healed.
A guy in my unit said he saw someone come out as he was going in. the guy did the Irish jig and clicked his heels in the air. He later saw him with a huge bag of ice on his junk looking sick as hell in the Pharacy waiting for his meds. Lol.
While we were comparing stories, in walks my full Colonel. He asked how I was doing, then started dropping truth bombs. (WHERE WERE THESE ASSHOLES BEFORE I GOT THIS DONE!?):
Unwritten rule 3 of the Vasectomy: In a straw poll taken by my O6 over the last 8 years since HIS operation, 25% of men report NOT healing right, many of them having pain and discomfort for YEARS and YEARS after… My guy is one of them. 8 years after the fact, if he lifts stuff a certain way, or has to walk on concrete for a few hours, his balls hurt…. Yeah. Lyin’ ass doctors.
So now, I am in a high hover. I mean, sure, righty’s hangin’ low, but what if I am now going to have this uncomfortable tug for the rest of my life!? I asked if there was anything he did to mitigate. He said, he tried, but it still hurt. He then said that HIS neighbor caught him in the driveway when HE came home from HIS and told him that he was still in periodic pain 2 years after his own…
So now my weekend was pretty much lost to fear and worry. I had called Madigan to make an appointment with my doc to discuss the bleeding. They told me to come in right now. I said no. I am going home to the ‘Couve. They said, fine, but go to the ER if it bled again. I did manage to get an appt on Tuesday to look things over. I tore it open again REALLY BAD on Sunday while I was picking up some stuff from an estate sale but decided to tuff it out til Tuesday. I didn’t want to do the TRICARE paperwork it would take to go to an ER in SW Washington…
Tuesday morning rolled around and I am at the doc. I swear I have had 6 different providers in the last 2 years alone, so I NEVER pay attention to who the name is the give me on the phone. I showed up at the wrong clinic, then the right clinic, then get in to see my new provider... It is none other than the FNG who did my surgery!!
He is like “HEY GUY!” I am like “WASSUP, DOC?!” and the banter continued. There was a CUTE interning med student there. (she was really really cute) He asked if she could hang out while he checked out my junk. I was like, sure but did you warn her she may need a magnifying glass? We laughed. The girl, not-so-much. He reminded me that I need to do like 50 loads prior to coming in to check my tubes. I reminded him I was a newlywed. We laughed. The girl cracked a smile this time. 
He gave me no-stick gauze, told me Unwritten Rule 4 of the Vasectomy: IF you DON’T develop a clot up to the size of a marble under your incision, you are VERY inclined to tear it open if it dries after a shower or you get sweaty and attaches to your skivvies; and sent me on my way.
I made it to the weekend, when we had duty. I bumped into one of the Majors in my unit and he asked me how the boys were. I said they were unhappy to be all tied up all the time, but with the use of non-stick gauze I had stopped bleeding all over bathrooms across SW Washington. He laughed and then dropped Unwritten Rule 5 of the Vasectomy: Apparently, your balls keep making squiggles for an indeterminate time after your operation. Once the body catches on that there is no outlet for them, you get a day or two of “Sick-in-the-nuts feeling” while your body reabsorbs them. (This rule I have not yet experienced, dear reader, but if it happens you will be the second to know, after I use it as a means of guilting my wife into a TAD order…)
In the weeks that have followed, I have slowly returned to normal… except for Droopy, my right nut… and having to wear a freakin jock strap for a couple more months.
If you are asking me, patient reader, if you should get a vasectomy, I cannot say yea or nay. I can only say that if it were up to me to do again, I would knock up my wife, bribe the doc to give her a C-section when delivery time came, and tie HER tubes...
Thus ends the Saga of Wyfbane’s Nuts; A Tale in 2 Chapters.

 

xrundog

Part of the Furniture Now
Oct 23, 2014
737
1
Ames, IA
Ah, the memories! I guess it took me awhile to feel completely normal again. But nothing ever really hurt after a week or so.
13 years and I hardly ever think about.
I must be one of the lucky ones.

 

jkrug

Lifer
Jan 23, 2015
2,867
8
PRICELESS!!! I hope things are back to normal for you and the boys soon. :rofl:

 

prairiedruid

Lifer
Jun 30, 2015
1,998
1,116
I got cut on my birthday, quite the present, and had to cook Thanksgiving for the family 3 days later since my first wife could burn water. Had a great doctor so I was able to eat Vicodin like tic-tacs. Had quite a bit of swelling for awhile but otherwise came out fine.

 

tslex

Lifer
Jun 23, 2011
1,482
13
This was tremendously entertaining.
Like watching a great travelogue about a place I plan would NEVER want to go.
Thanks for the great post.

 

mso489

Lifer
Feb 21, 2013
41,210
60,433
'bane, you are the perpetrator of a huge slump in urology practice revenues across the English speaking world once your post makes the rounds online. This is what every guy is afraid of. Reassurances are so common, that this is a nothing surgery and far less intrusive than tube tying, and so forth. Recently near my residence, out on a large arterial road, there was a large outdoor advertisement promoting Dr. So-and-So, with no-incision vasectomy. It didn't specify the mechanism -- laser? Needle? Whatever. Anyway, this is some reality therapy for all your readers, and despite it all, it sounds like you are healing and bearing up admirably. Yes, I think your wife has to look the other way on the Dunhill Group 4 and 5's and the fine selection of blends you'll be adding to your cellar. If you can provide the necessary proof of infertility required, you must be back in business. Commendations for your accuracy and honesty on this.

 

jpmcwjr

Moderator
Staff member
May 12, 2015
24,568
27,074
Carmel Valley, CA
Hoe-Lee-Cow!
You just made my post op time feel like a piece of cake! I can walk fine, just a few twinges in the gut from a lower G-I cut or two. But if my boys wuz achin', much less sticking and bleeding.... Well, hope your recovery has no more pitfalls! Good luck!

 

morton

Part of the Furniture Now
May 3, 2012
648
2
Regina, Saskatchewan, Canada
I remember my snipping was quite incident free except for my chattering at the two doctors, the actual doc and an intern who was learning the trade (I guess). I was laying there spread-eagle, completely whacked and feeling no pain, looking at the mural somebody had thoughtfully painted on the ceiling when I noticed the huge amounts of smoke gathering up top by the mural. I looked down and said to the main guy, "Hey Doc, that's a lot of smoke up there, have a look!" He looked at me over those weird magnifying lenses they wear and replied, "I'm cauterizing tissue right by your testicles. Do you want me to look up or keep focused on what I'm doing?" Only right answer? "As you were, Doc, as you were." After that, no more chattering. Then a week of a dull ache that wouldn't leave and I was right as rain. I guess I got lucky. Hope you feel better soon!

 
Wow, I've never heard of such complications. Mine went off without a hitch. I did the year later sperm count, then the three year later, and now I don't worry about the count as the wife has had the full hysterectomy. If we have a kid now, we'd have to name it Houdini or maybe Copperfield. The only thing that concerned me right afterwards was that a certain percentage of men have some sort of healing that "undoes" the procedure. Otherwise, why all of the sperm counts?
Anyways, mine was event free. I do remember the battle of Gettysburg playing out in the ceiling tiles. That was kinda cool. But, I went Mountain Biking a few days latter, and no pain. I don't remember getting pain pills, but I tend not to take them when I get them prescribed. I do remember getting very personal with a bag of peas for the first day.
I hope yours work out. Or, whatever positive thing you wish upon another guy's junk. ha ha.

 

mephistopheles

Part of the Furniture Now
Oct 14, 2014
545
0
Sure nuff. Righty was hanging 5/8 of an inch lower than lefty…
8O At some point I started holding my breath as I read the initial post. Phew! That sounds terrible! Screw that!
You guys are brave or something. :crazy: I'm surprised at how many of you have had the procedure done. I didn't think it was all that common. Hope you heal up well, Wyfbane.

 

tuold

Lifer
Oct 15, 2013
2,133
165
Beaverton,Oregon
I have to say, my wife had a tubal ligation after our second born and she suffered nothing like you did! We had talked about the vasectomy route but I had friends who had complications and failures. In fact, just the other day a friend of mine was telling me about his congestive epididymitis which was a result of his vasectomy.
You sir, are a martyr and deserve your wife's eternal gratitude for your sacrifice!

 

mranglophile

Can't Leave
May 11, 2015
390
4
United States
Lol..very funny. I got my done after my wife got pregnant for the 5th time. I was assured that the doctor was a pro as he had done thousands of procedures, little did I know that this meant he was 70+ with a shaky hand. Though my guys did swell up like grapefruits, they work great now. My step-father was navy and he flew a few hours after getting his done and practiced parachuting to no ill effect but I have met others that had your story as well.

 

johnnyreb

Lifer
Aug 21, 2014
1,961
612
Someone gave me the good advise to seek out a good urologist for my procedure & not just some GP who graduated the bottom third of his medical school class. Except for those fateful 10 seconds, for which he gave me fair warning my procedure & recovery was uneventful. For you younger guys I would offer you the same advise for when your day comes. It's not a time to be cheap & save money; see a specialist.

 

mso489

Lifer
Feb 21, 2013
41,210
60,433
cosmic, mountain biking a few days later? You're lucky your boys survived the ride. More power to you, them.

 

cobguy

Lifer
Oct 18, 2013
3,742
15
That was a painful read ... funny, but painful! :)
What's the difference between the epididymis and the urethra?

I don't remember all the details but there's definitely a vas deferens between them.
Hear about the guy that had his vasectomy done at Sears?

Whenever he gets a hard-on, his garage door opens.

 
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