Disclaimer: The following program is rated PG-13. It contains course language and violence (to my nether bits). Parental discretion is advised. Also, I am using the 24hour clock in this tale.
SO. I am preparing to retire from the Army this fall. My wife and I got married 6 months ago, but we each have 10 y/o boys and are of an age where we don't want babies.
I scheduled the appt. I waited weeks. Got a referral to the mandatory V class (!?). Went to the class on the V. Was told what to expect and was given all the meds then. Made the appt for the op. Waited 6 weeks. The day of the Op arrived.
I was in Vancouver, WA with my family. My wife and I headed up to Madigan Army Medical Center in Tacoma (2 hour drive). We get there with enough time to re-sign my waiver and still have an hour left for the Valium to relax my junk. So basically, my OP was at 1400, I needed to get there prior to 1300 so that I can sign papers and still take the meds.
We get there with 15 minutes to spare for my 1 hour window. The lady is at lunch. I am slightly tense and being kind of a smart ass. My wife is tolerant, but losing a bit of patience. We wait. at 1255 I have to poo. Like the nervous poos that may happen when your balls are about to get disconnected. I am like, 'DAMMIT!!!'
Gentle reader, have you ever had one of those poos where it just never ends and you have to wipe like 45 times? Yeah. That.
I am so embarrassed at the thought of having a stinky nether region for the OP that I was VERY fastidius in the bathroom. Paper toweling and hobbles to the sink were involved. nuff said.
I get out of the bathroom at 1305, still no woman at the waiver counter. I am now in a high hover. At 1310, a nurse comes out and takes pity on me and opens the office so I can sigh the waiver. I take the pills.
In true army form, she then just leads me straight back and preps me anyway... the time is 1325.
I tried to tell her my surgery wasn't until 1400. She was like, well yes, but we had a cancellation. I was like, I appreciate that, but I JUST took the valium. You WATCHED me take the Valium. I need TIME to process the Valium. She was very kind. She said, no worries. Strip from the waist down and get on the bed, I will be back in a minute.
Sigh.
I get on the bed, nekked from the waist down. She comes in. She has big pieces of tape. I am referred to in some circles as, Oso Blanco. I don't like tape.
She then tapes my business up. I say, you don't have to do that, I'm Irish... :wink: She laughed and did it anyway. Then she leaves me to absorb the Valium, laid out like poultry on a prep table. Until 1345.
The doctors and nurse come in. They are cordial. The adrenaline has the Valium starting to work a bit. I am still a bit nervous. In the 6 weeks since the class, I have forgotten virtually everything from the class.
The guy goes into great detail about how I need to remain calm. I tell him I am pretty calm, but likely to be a bit chatty (as you well know on here I am a bit of a chatterbox). I attempt to break the ice. I tell them That I had taken the day prior off because, since my balls are separating, they needed a day to outprocess (Army joke). They laughed. We determined that I am from Vancouver, Wa and went to High School A. One of the docs is from Vancouver as well and went to High school B.
I vaguely remember from the class the shot is bad. In fact, the vast majority of my initian trepidation was a doctor coming at my bits with a stabby needle. They confirm this. They tell me that it is the worst. I wait. I wait.
I was like, you shot me? They are like, yep. I was like. You lied! That was nothing. They chortled. I said the tape coming off will likely be the most painful part of this. They were like, yeah... that IS a lot of tape. I said, I know right!? I told her she didn't have to bother, I'm Irish. They laughed again.
Then out came the stabby burny scapel thing. Burning flesh smell and then the 10 minute debate between the resident (A native of Tacoma), and the FNG from my rival High School in the 'Couve. They devise a plan of attack for my left nut and then drop this knowledge bomb (That was NOT in the class).
Sorry, bud. The nerve that runs along the Vas is kinda touchy. As soon as I grab it, you will feel like you're getting kicked in the balls...
I'm like whaa YEOWWW! MOTHER BITCH!
They laughed so hard he dropped my vas. Sigh. That is how it went. I was too nervous not to make jokes. They were too suseptible to my humor to not prolong my agony. At one point I asked Tacoma to step in, Mr. Rivalry was doing this on purpose. We laughed, then I got the nut crush pain again.
As an aside, gentle reader, I go commando. Always. And I am a bit chubby in preparation of my pending freedom from the Army. So they had to dig through a lot of tissue to get to the exact bits they wanted to cut.
I was eager to assist, between jokes. FNG would tell the resident, I think I got it. I would be like. Yes, the feeling of you stomping on my left nut would confirm, you have my vas. Eventually they DID get it, and cut it.
One down, one to go. They were more enthusiastic than I, by far.
The right one was worse. The FNG said one guy had kicked him in the face. I laughed. I said what a pussy. If I was going to do something, I'd just sit up and punch you like a man. We laughed. He dropped my vas. Sigh.
Eventually we finished up. They told me that I was an exemplary Patient. They wished they were all as good natured as I. :clap: Removing the Tape wasn't hideous, and I put on my jock strap and hobbled out to the car with My Wife. She was very sympathetic.
THUS ends Chapter 1 of My Vasectomy. Stay tuned for our thrilling conclusion in chapter 2, "How to fuck up your recovery and the big secrets they DON'T tell you until you talk to Vasectomy Vets after the fact".
SO. I am preparing to retire from the Army this fall. My wife and I got married 6 months ago, but we each have 10 y/o boys and are of an age where we don't want babies.
I scheduled the appt. I waited weeks. Got a referral to the mandatory V class (!?). Went to the class on the V. Was told what to expect and was given all the meds then. Made the appt for the op. Waited 6 weeks. The day of the Op arrived.
I was in Vancouver, WA with my family. My wife and I headed up to Madigan Army Medical Center in Tacoma (2 hour drive). We get there with enough time to re-sign my waiver and still have an hour left for the Valium to relax my junk. So basically, my OP was at 1400, I needed to get there prior to 1300 so that I can sign papers and still take the meds.
We get there with 15 minutes to spare for my 1 hour window. The lady is at lunch. I am slightly tense and being kind of a smart ass. My wife is tolerant, but losing a bit of patience. We wait. at 1255 I have to poo. Like the nervous poos that may happen when your balls are about to get disconnected. I am like, 'DAMMIT!!!'
Gentle reader, have you ever had one of those poos where it just never ends and you have to wipe like 45 times? Yeah. That.
I am so embarrassed at the thought of having a stinky nether region for the OP that I was VERY fastidius in the bathroom. Paper toweling and hobbles to the sink were involved. nuff said.
I get out of the bathroom at 1305, still no woman at the waiver counter. I am now in a high hover. At 1310, a nurse comes out and takes pity on me and opens the office so I can sigh the waiver. I take the pills.
In true army form, she then just leads me straight back and preps me anyway... the time is 1325.
I tried to tell her my surgery wasn't until 1400. She was like, well yes, but we had a cancellation. I was like, I appreciate that, but I JUST took the valium. You WATCHED me take the Valium. I need TIME to process the Valium. She was very kind. She said, no worries. Strip from the waist down and get on the bed, I will be back in a minute.
Sigh.
I get on the bed, nekked from the waist down. She comes in. She has big pieces of tape. I am referred to in some circles as, Oso Blanco. I don't like tape.
She then tapes my business up. I say, you don't have to do that, I'm Irish... :wink: She laughed and did it anyway. Then she leaves me to absorb the Valium, laid out like poultry on a prep table. Until 1345.
The doctors and nurse come in. They are cordial. The adrenaline has the Valium starting to work a bit. I am still a bit nervous. In the 6 weeks since the class, I have forgotten virtually everything from the class.
The guy goes into great detail about how I need to remain calm. I tell him I am pretty calm, but likely to be a bit chatty (as you well know on here I am a bit of a chatterbox). I attempt to break the ice. I tell them That I had taken the day prior off because, since my balls are separating, they needed a day to outprocess (Army joke). They laughed. We determined that I am from Vancouver, Wa and went to High School A. One of the docs is from Vancouver as well and went to High school B.
I vaguely remember from the class the shot is bad. In fact, the vast majority of my initian trepidation was a doctor coming at my bits with a stabby needle. They confirm this. They tell me that it is the worst. I wait. I wait.
I was like, you shot me? They are like, yep. I was like. You lied! That was nothing. They chortled. I said the tape coming off will likely be the most painful part of this. They were like, yeah... that IS a lot of tape. I said, I know right!? I told her she didn't have to bother, I'm Irish. They laughed again.
Then out came the stabby burny scapel thing. Burning flesh smell and then the 10 minute debate between the resident (A native of Tacoma), and the FNG from my rival High School in the 'Couve. They devise a plan of attack for my left nut and then drop this knowledge bomb (That was NOT in the class).
Sorry, bud. The nerve that runs along the Vas is kinda touchy. As soon as I grab it, you will feel like you're getting kicked in the balls...
I'm like whaa YEOWWW! MOTHER BITCH!
They laughed so hard he dropped my vas. Sigh. That is how it went. I was too nervous not to make jokes. They were too suseptible to my humor to not prolong my agony. At one point I asked Tacoma to step in, Mr. Rivalry was doing this on purpose. We laughed, then I got the nut crush pain again.
As an aside, gentle reader, I go commando. Always. And I am a bit chubby in preparation of my pending freedom from the Army. So they had to dig through a lot of tissue to get to the exact bits they wanted to cut.
I was eager to assist, between jokes. FNG would tell the resident, I think I got it. I would be like. Yes, the feeling of you stomping on my left nut would confirm, you have my vas. Eventually they DID get it, and cut it.
One down, one to go. They were more enthusiastic than I, by far.
The right one was worse. The FNG said one guy had kicked him in the face. I laughed. I said what a pussy. If I was going to do something, I'd just sit up and punch you like a man. We laughed. He dropped my vas. Sigh.
Eventually we finished up. They told me that I was an exemplary Patient. They wished they were all as good natured as I. :clap: Removing the Tape wasn't hideous, and I put on my jock strap and hobbled out to the car with My Wife. She was very sympathetic.
THUS ends Chapter 1 of My Vasectomy. Stay tuned for our thrilling conclusion in chapter 2, "How to fuck up your recovery and the big secrets they DON'T tell you until you talk to Vasectomy Vets after the fact".
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