Fellow dyslexic?I glanced at the title of this thread and thought that it said, "Marital advice on anus usage".
Marital advice on snus usage
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Now we're talking.I glanced at the title of this thread and thought that it said, "Marital advice on anus usage"
New thread topic, please.
And there you go again - every you minute you waste on the internet talking to strangers about your marriage is time you should be spending off the internet working on it in some fashion, however you want to.
I'll move on!
You mentioned your faith, I think you should lean on that if is something you both share. As husbands (15 years for me), we often feel like we are being ruled over by our wives, but forget that (usually) their concerns, while sometimes unfounded, come from a place of their love for us. Is your decision in response coming from a place of love for her? As the leaders of our household, sometimes we have to let it look like we are following, but in reality we are "leading by example". Consider that your actions in regards to this are in fact your leadership by example of your family, and set a precedent for all things in the future. Even if you just "cave in"(or however you want to say it), you are still in fact leading. Be a leader, your wife needs you to do that, she always will.
I wish I had figured that out 12 years ago, a decade of my life would have been far easier.
I wish I had figured that out 12 years ago, a decade of my life would have been far easier.
Thank you for the faith based response. I appreciate that and agree with everything you said.
You are welcome. To add, my wife tolerates my pipe habit quite nicely, but pretty much hates all other tobacco/nicotine things. I was closet pipe smoking at work for a week or so, and decided to tell her what I was doing, how it started, and why. The why that I presented her was about me being over-stressed from work, and not liking how I had been bringing that stress home. I actually thought she was going to be furious, but she accepted it. She was concerned for my health (because she loves me for some reason), so I presented her the research from SPC and it eased her mind. We even sit on the porch together and I have a smoke fairly regularly now. If I had just told her I want to do it and I'm a man and the boss so that's that, it would have probably been different.
The bible teaches us that while we all need both, women need love, and men need respect. If you are a leader and ensure your wife knows the things you are doing come from love, she will do a better job of respecting you. If you are respected by your wife its easier to be loving to her, but the cycle starts with you, the leader, especially when the cycle is broken.
Edit: I have to add, don't make shit up to BS your wife and use this in a manipulative way. It will backfire, don't ask me how I know... lol. It has to be true, from the heart.
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If it is pre marriage, it should have been dealt with before hand. Post marriage, you should both be involved. if she doesn't want it around, adios snus. However, there will come a time where the shoe is on the opposite foot and therein lies the difficulty. HAHAHA
Since I had a similar issue early on in my relationship I’ll chime in:
First, you have to communicate. Period. A lack of communication is an absolute death sentence for any relationship and even more so for a marriage. It’s the only access you have to each others inner state and if you lose that you won’t have much left. It usually starts over something relatively trivial but over time it’s a cancer that will consume you both. From experience, how you approach the conversation will go a long way towards how it goes, both on this issue and all future disagreements, of which there are likely to be many. Difficult conversations suck. Learn to get over it and communicate effectively as a couple.
Second, your conscience. My then girlfriend was not a fan at all of my dip habit and it was creating arguments of increasing frequency. What caused me to quit is that I knew she hated it but I still continued to do it and eventually it ate at me to the point I had to quit for my own sanity. Sneaking dip or snus for momentary satisfaction is a high price to pay when your significant other doesn’t approve if you have a soul. And since you mentioned your faith, I’ll add that idolatry is destructive on every level of existence, all the way up from the individual, couple, family, community, etc. It’s a recurring theme across 66 books for a reason.
Finally, find a compromise if you can. For me that was getting a vape for when I needed to de-stress. It’s lame, doesn’t provide anywhere close to the satisfaction dipping did, but my conscience is clear and my wife is fine with it. I’m not allowed to smoke in my community either, but quite frankly nobody is going to complain about it and it’s not going to be noticeable from outside much less from a different room in the house. If you’re willing, compromise if your friend here.
First, you have to communicate. Period. A lack of communication is an absolute death sentence for any relationship and even more so for a marriage. It’s the only access you have to each others inner state and if you lose that you won’t have much left. It usually starts over something relatively trivial but over time it’s a cancer that will consume you both. From experience, how you approach the conversation will go a long way towards how it goes, both on this issue and all future disagreements, of which there are likely to be many. Difficult conversations suck. Learn to get over it and communicate effectively as a couple.
Second, your conscience. My then girlfriend was not a fan at all of my dip habit and it was creating arguments of increasing frequency. What caused me to quit is that I knew she hated it but I still continued to do it and eventually it ate at me to the point I had to quit for my own sanity. Sneaking dip or snus for momentary satisfaction is a high price to pay when your significant other doesn’t approve if you have a soul. And since you mentioned your faith, I’ll add that idolatry is destructive on every level of existence, all the way up from the individual, couple, family, community, etc. It’s a recurring theme across 66 books for a reason.
Finally, find a compromise if you can. For me that was getting a vape for when I needed to de-stress. It’s lame, doesn’t provide anywhere close to the satisfaction dipping did, but my conscience is clear and my wife is fine with it. I’m not allowed to smoke in my community either, but quite frankly nobody is going to complain about it and it’s not going to be noticeable from outside much less from a different room in the house. If you’re willing, compromise if your friend here.
Seconded. So many women absolutely disapprove of their man smoking pipes or cigars so I'd just be grateful to have a wife who's cool with it. It's great she understands there's some nuance with tobacco and addiction. Lots of people can smoke pipes and cigars without getting addicted, even some daily smokers can go an extended period without if need be and not have any nic cravings. I don't know much about snus because it's not common in America but my understanding is it's far more addictive, I know dip / chew is supposed to be more addictive than even cigarettes and I'd imagine snus would also be because it too just sits in your mouth.
There’s a reason that men die before their women do. They WANT too.
The greatest source of peace in my marriage has been when we ”make a deal”. Before we got married, I told her, “There’s some things about me that won’t change: I smoke a pipe…I ride motorcycles...” There were a few other things that were in the list that I don’t remember.
But it worked. We had an agreement that she was marrying a guy who did x, y, and z regardless of her feelings of such.
After we got married, it was more complicated. Some issues that come up I give in on. Others she does. It’s a dance that develops over time. You have to decide just how much what you’re fighting for at the moment takes precedent over the peace that results when you give in.
But, it actually is not even that simple.
There are times that I chose to give in because it’s just not worth the fight. There’s other times I give in because winning in that (perhaps insignificant) instance will create more problems down the road.
Other times, I fight on because the benefit is worth the pain. And then other times still when I don’t care about the result in this particular instance but winning here will put me on better ground on issues that really do matter.
All that to say that there is no simple answer. I applaud the discussion over your shared faith - that is extremely important to honor and foster. But in those situations where your faith really doesn’t fit in, then it’s a game - a game of putting yourself in a situation where you preserve your ability to secure what you need and don’t abuse her and her needs in the process.
Do it right, and it’s a game you’ll play with her for decades. Enjoy the ride.
But it worked. We had an agreement that she was marrying a guy who did x, y, and z regardless of her feelings of such.
After we got married, it was more complicated. Some issues that come up I give in on. Others she does. It’s a dance that develops over time. You have to decide just how much what you’re fighting for at the moment takes precedent over the peace that results when you give in.
But, it actually is not even that simple.
There are times that I chose to give in because it’s just not worth the fight. There’s other times I give in because winning in that (perhaps insignificant) instance will create more problems down the road.
Other times, I fight on because the benefit is worth the pain. And then other times still when I don’t care about the result in this particular instance but winning here will put me on better ground on issues that really do matter.
All that to say that there is no simple answer. I applaud the discussion over your shared faith - that is extremely important to honor and foster. But in those situations where your faith really doesn’t fit in, then it’s a game - a game of putting yourself in a situation where you preserve your ability to secure what you need and don’t abuse her and her needs in the process.
Do it right, and it’s a game you’ll play with her for decades. Enjoy the ride.
Sounds to me that both of you have drawn lines in the sand that neither is willing to cross. Hard to see the way to a compromise.
The women throughout my family tree have tended to be both beautiful and demanding. One of them my mother quite often brought up to me was my grandfather’s niece Georgia.
Georgia married young, in the late 1920s, to a handsome boy from a good family. The boy was a hard worker and showed much promise but he insisted on wearing bib overalls to town when he accompanied Georgia, who always dressed like the other women in our family, which was like a movie star, in the latest of fashion.
On one occasion in 1929 our family went to greet a relative arriving on the North bound train in Humansville, and Georgia’s baby was slightly under the weather, so she left the baby with her mother Cora and her young husband accompanied her wearing bib overalls (and no shirt) to the Humansville Depot.
At the station was a handsome young wel dressed physician from Chicago who was waiting on the train to return to Chicago after he’d installed and certified new X-Ray machines in the brand new hospital.
The North bound train arrived, and the expected guest disembarked and was greeted by our family, and then after few minutes pulled away and left.
When the family was ready to leave, Georgia could not be found. The station master, hanging his head, informed her husband the handsome young doctor had purchased her a one way ticket to Chicago and she’d boarded the train and Georgia, was gone.
The boy in the bib overalls wailed and cried and prayed loudly that Georgia would reconsider and return home, and in fact she did return home, in a long Packard, with spare tires on both fenders, and much chrome, and fetched her baby from Cora.
My mother said the Chicago doctor adopted the boy and he grew up to be another doctor in Chicago, himself.
My first wife had a father who owned a dozen banks. Sometimes when I’d get ready to leave the house not very dressed up my mother would ask me,,,
Are you going to take Georgia, to meet a train?
Georgia married young, in the late 1920s, to a handsome boy from a good family. The boy was a hard worker and showed much promise but he insisted on wearing bib overalls to town when he accompanied Georgia, who always dressed like the other women in our family, which was like a movie star, in the latest of fashion.
On one occasion in 1929 our family went to greet a relative arriving on the North bound train in Humansville, and Georgia’s baby was slightly under the weather, so she left the baby with her mother Cora and her young husband accompanied her wearing bib overalls (and no shirt) to the Humansville Depot.
At the station was a handsome young wel dressed physician from Chicago who was waiting on the train to return to Chicago after he’d installed and certified new X-Ray machines in the brand new hospital.
The North bound train arrived, and the expected guest disembarked and was greeted by our family, and then after few minutes pulled away and left.
When the family was ready to leave, Georgia could not be found. The station master, hanging his head, informed her husband the handsome young doctor had purchased her a one way ticket to Chicago and she’d boarded the train and Georgia, was gone.
The boy in the bib overalls wailed and cried and prayed loudly that Georgia would reconsider and return home, and in fact she did return home, in a long Packard, with spare tires on both fenders, and much chrome, and fetched her baby from Cora.
My mother said the Chicago doctor adopted the boy and he grew up to be another doctor in Chicago, himself.
My first wife had a father who owned a dozen banks. Sometimes when I’d get ready to leave the house not very dressed up my mother would ask me,,,
Are you going to take Georgia, to meet a train?
"I would say that it is addictive and am addicted to it like I would be with cigarettes. I am far past the nic-buzz phase but I get antsy and feel like I'm missing something if I don't have a pouch in. It feels as if I left the house for work without underwear on, something doesn't feel right, like something is missing."
Maybe she doesnt want you addicted to the same thing her father is? Maybe she has a valid point about the addictive behaviour? I don't like admitting my wife is right either, but sometimes she is.
1 Peter 3:3-4
3 Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— 4 but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.
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