I play music out all the time and I totally understand how you feel...actually, this is exactly how I "win" at playing music around my area. I deliberately market myself as not being 'loud' - I even use videos for booking where you can hear people talking over me. ...granted, it's easy for me as I am an instrumental guitarist. I feel like it's key to provide something interesting that people can 'tune into' but at the same time prioritize the atmosphere.
That said, there are places where the managment wants a bit more...I play with a drummer, one of my oldest friends (30+ years) - we go from low volume winery jazz duo gigs to full on psychedelic progressive rock sets at outdoor music festivals. ...it's all about reading the room! Cheers!