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Pipelady20

Senior Member
Apr 17, 2020
426
1,593
East coast, USA
www.pipesmagazine.com
One of the better reviews on tobaccoreviews.com of Sutliff’s Frosty Mint.



...Do you like Mint?

...Seriously, are you a mint fanatic?

…Do you prefer your mint to feel like it's clubbing you in the face with a large 10 pound candy cane with other smaller candy canes nails through it, then having wintergreen oil poured into the open wounds while inhaling mentholatum through your nostrils as your eyes water? THAT is what you get with Frosty Mint from Altadis. Without all the violence.

I love the Altadis brand. It's like having the freaky girlfriend that everyone loathes. You know the one: sexy but dangerous and very offensive to everyone with a ‘devil may care' attitude, however when you put up with all her misgivings she's a tigress in the sack. All my senses tell me I should hate this brand. That I should turn up my nose to it; pipe smoking should be reserved for more serious brands.

But darn it, Altadis is tasty.

And Frosty Mint delivers as promised. It's mint, pure and simple. In the self-descriptor it claims to have chocolate-mint. Personally I think if it ever did have a hint of chocolate in there, that poor flavor has long since been killed and tossed overboard by all that damn mint.
Oh my goodness this was so funny
 

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Bowie

Preferred Member
Oct 24, 2019
953
4,142
Minnesota
Just For Him - Treebeard (Middle Earth Pipeweed):

"...When you smoke Latakia, you say something like "yeah baby, LATAKIA!" You don't say, "What f-ing tobacco is this?"

So far, every "reputable" aromatic that I have smoked makes me go, "what F-ing tobacco is this?" I can taste the maple, the vanilla, the mystery casing, the sugar, but not the tobacco itself. The tobacco becomes a brown-grey tasting bog, with the Tollund Bog Man still buried inside of it. And you know what? If the Bog Man were to wake up inside of your aromatic, 3000 years after his death, the first thing he would say is:

"What f-ing tobacco is this?"

Here's a comparison:

I like Treebeard more than I like C&D's Autumn Evening, which is unfortunate, because I REALLY want to like Autumn Evening. But the truth is that they both have no center, and Treebeard wins because I can taste more of the goodies on top of the Bog Man.

As a huge fan of Tolkien, I wanted this blend to be as strong as Tolkien's legacy, and as strong as the character of Treebeard. As it is, it is nowhere near either. This blend should not be named Treebeard. It should be named after some inconsequential squib character that barely gets mentioned. The character should be one of those shady guys who lives in Bree and kisses Bill Ferny's a$s.

The name of this blend should be something like, "Mangar Turdburgle"."
 

donjgiles

Preferred Member
Apr 14, 2018
1,356
1,638
The evil and VILE C&D Safe Harbor Flake....


This is undoubtedly the most gawdawful mess to ever come out of the C&D factory. Being a Burley smoker, I jumped on the Safe Harbor train as soon as it came out. I ended up wishing I had just laid down on the tracks instead. This shit (which is the most accurate descriptor) is just plain horrible.

It smells like egg nog topped Burley in the tin and is anything but a flake. Broken flake perhaps. I tastes like I would imagine smoking madrill ass hairs would taste like.

Avoid it.
 

Spinkle

Preferred Member
Sep 16, 2019
586
3,517
38
Toronto, Ontario, Canada
How has nobody posted the single greatest review on tobaccoreviews.com yet? This guy hasn't logged-in since 2018, but I was laughing so hard I almost spat out my drink:

 
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Pipelady20

Senior Member
Apr 17, 2020
426
1,593
East coast, USA
www.pipesmagazine.com
How has nobody posted the single greatest review on tobaccoreviews.com yet? This guy hasn't logged-in since 2018, but I was laughing so hard I almost spat out my drink:

Which one is it? Not sure which 2018 review.
 
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Ryszard

Junior Member
Sep 5, 2019
82
182
Europe
I always thought this review of Ten Russians was quite funny:

I'm 6'4" tall, and 220 pounds in weight. I am very strong, and can withstand smoking a lot of Latakia. The telling of my Ten Russians Tale is not an exaggeration.Skip this if you have no patience, or sense of humor.


The Tale of Ten Russians: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...


I absolutely love my extra large, bent poker that was made for me by Tom Johnson. The chamber is almost 3.5 inches high, and 7/8 of an inch in diameter. Nothing pleases me more than stuffing that pipe with an excellent tasting tobacco, and draining it to the bottom.


Yesterday, I was feeling my oats. I bought a tin of Nightwatch and a tin of Ten Russians. I went to my favorite place in the world, hiked the woods and fields a bit, and smoked a full chamber of Nightwatch. As I was about to head for the car, I got a notion to call a friend. As the conversation was sure to go long, I decided to, against the advice of some reviews here, pack that huge chamber with Ten Russians, after a full dose of Nightwatch. I love latakia, and smoking that bowl of Ten Russians was amazing. I kept saying to myself, "what are these bozos talking about? The Vitamin N isn't that strong. Hell, I could probably finish this bowl, and then another."


I continued under that delusion until I hit the last 10% of the bowl. This is when the truth was revealed to me about Ten Russians. Have you ever been so out-of-wack, that you felt as if your pants had fallen off, even though you still had them on? Because, if you know that feeling, then you know what it felt like to me.


My body temp went from 98.6 F to about 100,000 degrees Kelvin. I could barely finish my phone conversation. Every muscle in my body got weak. I began to yawn incessantly. As I drove home, I had to keep my head perfectly still and my torso at a perfect 90 degrees. You see, I was gripped by the fear that I was going to projectile vomit so hard that my windshield was going to get shot out, like in a Starsky and Hutch episode...except from the inside of the vehicle. The drive home is still a complete mystery to my memory banks.


When I got home,I couldn't even gather all of my goods from the truck. I just left my sh*t in the cab. I walked in the house, grabbed a cold rag, laid on the couch, put the rag on my head, and passed out.


I woke up an hour later, refreshed and okay because the Vitamin N overdose had processed. I had to eat a large bowl of organic noodles, and a bagel to reach true homeostasis.


I give Ten Russians 9.8 out of 10 stars. It's powerful, unassuming, great Latakia taste, and if you step out of line with it, it will pummel your a$s with the power of ten extremely burley Russian men. I'm better for it. Can't wait to smoke a bowl of it when I don't act like an a-hole with the amount. I'm not giving it a 10 star rating because my nuts still hurt, and I am sure that I will never sire another child while I am on this planet.
- Miyanovich (2010)
 

saltedplug

Preferred Member
Aug 20, 2013
3,347
639
It seems to me that those giving their opinion of Black Rope ought shut their mouths because in truth they are this rope's dweebs, having not smoked enough of this peculiar weedage so to know its properties.

Black rope is as potent as it is variable. I never tasted its BBQ/leather/charcoal profile but rather a dark beguiling flower whose real profile was too changeable to add to any catalog.
 

madox07

Preferred Member
Dec 12, 2016
1,583
575
Any other "tobacco review prose" that made you chuckle?
I remember a review, I believe it was on Dunhill EMP, where the reviewer was comparing the blend with his experience in a one wild night in Saigon with some prostitue, back in the days he was serving in the Vietnam war. Here, let me see if I can find it .. Not nearly as funny as yours, but definitely an odd way of reviewing a tobacco blend.

This tobacco was good so good, that it reminded me of a time long ago....

Place, Vietnam. The Year is 1965. The Month, June. Day: The 7th; AKA Day 282 in 'Nam for me. June was the rainy season for 'Nam. I had been given some leave time from my base in Saigon and so I went to explore the City, like usual, my buddies didnt get leave, but I hoped to find some more GI's in some of the local bars. It was unseasonably dry that day. No rain. It was nice for once to not deal with dagum water in the shoes. I felt good, like it was going to be a swell day; I had every reason to think so. A week before, I had killed 10 Charlie in one night. I was satisfied. And now I had leave, who could ask for anything more?

I stopped in at a bar in the East Side of Saigon called Do Phing Pan Ngo, where all the action was. The bar was bustling with GI's. Different guys trying to sweep some exotic doll off of her feet and into the bed. I had similar plans. I walked to the bar and ordered myself a tall one, ready to relax and find a target. Then it happened. She walked in lookin like something out of a dream. So gorgeous, she was with her sexy Vietnamese hips and supple behind. I knew what had to be done. I ordered another beer, and started over to her. Just before I did, some officer cut in front of me. Dam. He had beat me to the punch. I was just a lowly grunt. There was nothing that I could do. The babe started shooting me looks as the Officer was talkin her up. I knew this would be my only chance to get laid until i was sent back into the jungles to fight charlie. Charlie would always be there. This doll wouldnt. I made my move. As I did it, I felt my balls grow 3 times larger. A grunt was about to steal a woman from Officer. I approached her; didnt say a word and just took her hand and left with her, leaving the officer to shove it. I led her off to a small hotel room where we made love with out even speaking. We made love many times before the morning of the next day came, i wish I could remember the number, but I lost track after 30. I would have set a company record.

As she is there sleeping I got up to watch the sun rise over beautiful Saigon, with a gentle mist sweeping the rooftops that morning and I smoked a fat stogie in honor of my recent accomplishments. It was the most incredible feeling in the world, despite my man tool nearly falling off. The beautiful woman was still asleep after having the night of her life. I dressed, and left the room, but not before leaving her my picture so that the kid would one day know who his or her father was. And with that I left, returning to base and eventually leaving 'Nam, never to return.

Early Morning Pipe felt like that special morning in Saigon.
 

Magpiety

Senior Member
Dec 7, 2019
312
853
Did you end up trying it? I've never tried fruit flavored tobacco like that, I'm curious if it's all that bad.
 

Kozeman

Member
Feb 4, 2020
205
498
Woodstock, Illinois
"My first thought when I got to look at the label was, "Geez,..did somebody find this drawing at a craft fair?" I mean--take a look at the label close up. This DOES NOT look like it was drawn by a professional illustrator for the label of a major pipe tobacco manufacturer. It looks more like something you might find hanging in your Grandma's kitchen. Even the type is messed up--I've seen secretaries make better layouts in PowerPoint. In fact, the label is so unbelievably silly looking that after staring at it for a few minutes at Tinderbox I actually felt a little foolish purchasing a tin."

This reminded me of the bit on Family Guy where Ringo tells the guys he wrote a song and Paul says, "Guys,,, look,,,, Ringo wrote a song. Let's put it right here on the refrigerator so we can look at it every day..."

 
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Pipelady20

Senior Member
Apr 17, 2020
426
1,593
East coast, USA
www.pipesmagazine.com
"My first thought when I got to look at the label was, "Geez,..did somebody find this drawing at a craft fair?" I mean--take a look at the label close up. This DOES NOT look like it was drawn by a professional illustrator for the label of a major pipe tobacco manufacturer. It looks more like something you might find hanging in your Grandma's kitchen. Even the type is messed up--I've seen secretaries make better layouts in PowerPoint. In fact, the label is so unbelievably silly looking that after staring at it for a few minutes at Tinderbox I actually felt a little foolish purchasing a tin."

This reminded me of the bit on Family Guy where Ringo tells the guys he wrote a song and Paul says, "Guys,,, look,,,, Ringo wrote a song. Let's put it right here on the refrigerator so we can look at it every day..."

Was this a Frog Morton review? I'm thinking I've read it before, and this is hilarious.
 
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pappymac

Preferred Member
Feb 26, 2015
2,190
785
How has nobody posted the single greatest review on tobaccoreviews.com yet? This guy hasn't logged-in since 2018, but I was laughing so hard I almost spat out my drink:

I didn't serve in Vietnam but I have smoked Early Morning Pipe. It was good but more in the way of the weekend I spent at a mountain lake cabin with two freespirits named Allison and Holly. Ah! 1974 was a good year to be young and single.
 
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