Humorous Reviews...

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briarbuck

Preferred Member
Nov 24, 2015
1,295
1,934
For Fathers day, my son tried to be a good son and get hip Pop some Pipe Tobacco. He brings me a cob, a tool and a bag of Paladin Black Cherry, I was pleased that he made the effort. It was a good day for sure.

After he left, I thought I would go on Tobacco Reviews and read what the "experts" had to say. Here was the first one to pop up...

Shame that one cannot give negative stars. This is the exact brand of tobacco that Lucifer gives people in Hades to smoke. If you made the terrorists smoke this godawful mess, they'd gladly turn in their own mothers. I believe that I would enjoy smoking fresh cow dung more than this crap. I hate this blend so very much that I created an account here primarily to review this atrosicity and to let you all know just how much that I abhor it. It is bland, boring, cough syrup nonsense. If you put it into a briar, you will quickly discover that you need to call a Pastor, a Priest, or a member of clergy to perform an exorcism of your pipe; your average cleaning and salt-and-Everclear cleansing will need help of a divine nature.

If someone offers you a bowl or a pouch of Paladin Black Cherry, know that they are doing so because they hate you. Run fast, run far, just run.

Pipe Used: MM Legend Cob, Various Briar

Age When Smoked: New

Purchased From: Local B&M

Similar Blends: A slow and painful death..


I was on the floor laughing. Someone talented person took the time to write this epic. I applaud the effort. I know that there are some hysterical reviews, by some very creative people, about some very bad blends.

Any other "tobacco review prose" that made you chuckle?
 

troyniss

Member
Jul 8, 2018
271
317
There have been numerous that I have browsed over in the last two years of my pipe smoking journey, but for the moment can't remember which specific ones. However, I have an inkling that the most drastically different reviews come from the old codger blends and the cheap aromatics. I'd guess that Captain Black Grape has a hefty portion of those.
 

Bowie

Preferred Member
Oct 24, 2019
953
4,142
Minnesota
Even though I am a Captain Black fan, there are some humorous comments on all of the CB offerings. For example, a few for CB Original:

Why not just fill your pipe with imaginary tobacco, instead of spending your money on this crap? The effects would be the same- i.e. zero taste and absolutely no nicotine. The only way you can tell that you are smoking it, is by seeing the smoke.

Tastes like I've eaten a badly constructed chemistry set from the most dysfunctional RadioShack in the backwoods.

The captain sailed back into my life after a long and not much maligned absence. Its nice to know in such a chaotic world that some things remain everlasting. Indeed the Captain is just as vicious of tongue and tastelessly boring as that girl I knew in college. A true bedrock of banality filled with not but regret and remorse.

The fabled Captain, an elemental spirit of destruction- this was the guy piloting the Exxon Valdeez after downing a case of Meister Brau, both products which are ironically chiefly bought at gas stations.
 

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BROBS

Preferred Member
Nov 13, 2019
5,947
17,860
37
IA
FROG MORTON REVIEW:
With all this fuss about Frog Morton on this site I had to go out and get a tin last night. Frankly, I was very frightened by the results.

My first thought when I got to look at the label was, "Geez,..did somebody find this drawing at a craft fair?" I mean--take a look at the label close up. This DOES NOT look like it was drawn by a professional illustrator for the label of a major pipe tobacco manufacturer. It looks more like something you might find hanging in your Grandma's kitchen. Even the type is messed up--I've seen secretaries make better layouts in PowerPoint. In fact, the label is so unbelievably silly looking that after staring at it for a few minutes at Tinderbox I actually felt a little foolish purchasing a tin.

An awkward transaction took place:

"Um, pardon me sales person, but I'll pass on the nice Dunhill tobaccos you've been showing me, instead I'll take the tobacco in the shitty label that looks like it was drawn by a third grader."

"Uh huh yes, the one with the retarded frog on it"

"No, I'm not into Lord of the Rings, Hobbits, or wizards or anything like that. I just want to try the tobacco in the painfully ugly can"

"No, I don't need a Churchwarden pipe to go with it! Please, just put the tin in the bag before somebody sees me."

After rushing from the store, finally free of what was becoming a horrifying exercise in bad taste, I went to my car and relaxed for a few moments. I tentatively poked and sniffed at the innards of the can.

"Hmmm,.. smells like latikia and virginia. Allright, that seems safe enough--can't be too bad I suppose".

Feeling a bit reassured, I packed a pipeful of Frog Morton. It was then that the true inner evil revealed itself. After smoking but half a bowl, I immediately felt the urge to play D&D. Please Lord, help me!

Even worse, I had to fight off the unholy desire to return to Tinderbox and purchase a knobby cane and one of those God-forsaken Danish pipes carved freehand from a hunk of drift wood.

I went home and lay on the couch until the urge passed. Thankfully it did pass, however I know there are many others who get caught up in the Frog Morton web, unable to break free.

Yes, pipes are treacherous business--never doubt it. Those with questionable taste should just stay away. You could end up like one of those crusty old coots polluting the atmosphere with Prince Albert Cherry Vanilla. Or worse, you could end up with the insane desire to place Boris Vallejo "Lady Demon" posters on the wall, watch reruns of Doctor Who, and attend renaissance fairs while dressed as a druid--all while smoking a clay pipe full of Frog Morton and thinking of yourself as "colorfull." (Shudder)
 

Country Bladesmith

Preferred Member
May 2, 2020
952
4,130
Louisiana
PENZANCE (from TR):
Well, I've read a whole lot about this blend on tobacco internet forums across the cyberspace. The consensus seemed to be that Penzance was an amazing blend that no one would ever copy and that its so great and "oh i have 5 lbs. cellared and you don't LOL". Although I generally do not give in to this sort of bragging/teasing (I always give in), I became obsessed with getting my gritty little fingernails on a tin/pounch/mound/bowl/lick the residue out of an old estate of penzance.

Every store I visited, and every "online store" I clicked on seemed to be fresh out of stuff. It was no where to be found, but EVERYONE was saying how great it was. "Oh you know this tobacco is good....BUT NOT AS GOOD AS PENZANCE!! SILLY MORTALS AND YOUR NON-PENZANCE TOBACCOS AH HA HA!"

Feeling like Charlie from that willy wonka story, I grew depressed as I yearned for the tobacco, all the while I performed a musical number as i stared into the moon. I wanted to be just as cool as the 60-year old guy sitting in his underwear hiding in his closet from his beast-of-a-wife and posting on the internet bragging about his non-existent scrooge McDuck supply of Penzance.

So I waited for my chance, and nearly forgot about penzance. Until that faithful day.

I was browsing Craigslist for the usual stuff. Free dirt, old furniture being sold at full price, and anonymous sex, when I came across a most interesting Ad. It read "PENZANCE? I GOT YOUR FIX." I became excited and quickly replied to the ad demanding that I be sold/given penzance immediately and that I would do anything for the chance.

He said that what he had was very rare and that it would cost me a ton of money. I said I didn't care, and I knew about the rarity of penzance. We set up a drop point in the city. He would drive by in a orange and yellow VW "NEW" beetle, and he would throw the penzance out the car, I was to wear a red balloon for identification. At the same time, I was to use my smartphone to hand over the cash via paypal to his online account, as he checked for updates. He said that if his account wasn't updated by the time he reached 8th street, he'd hunt my down and drag me out to a forest. So I agreed.

The next day I took an early lunch from work and waited in the "spot" with a red balloon in hand. 5 minutes had passed and I began to sweat in the hot sun. I knew this was a bad idea, no tobacco is worth this effort. But then he came, and I saw his fruity bug vroom on down the street. He threw out what looked like a pretty large package for tobacco and I became as giddy as a little schoolgirl. He held his hand out of his bug and gave me this little wave that really threw me off. Whatever...I knew what I had to do, I didn't want to get dragged off into the woods, I hate camping. So I forked over the $200 on my phone and ran over to the package to open it up. IT was quite large and rather heavy! Take that old creepy coward liar!

This is where the fun stopped however. I opened the package and my heart sank into my lower back. Inside was a copy of the script, music sheets, and autographed picture for the cast of "Pirates of Penzance". It began to rain, and I fell to my knees and cried. That creepy old man on the internet had won, look at what he did to me. Why would I go through all of this for some stupid tobacco? Is my life really that empty that I must give into the hype of some stuff that apparently smells like old bum?

My life changed that day, and I no longer felt the need to have the best, seal away the most, smoke the best or be the "best". I became me.

A couple of months after that, my cousin came over to my house with a tin of penzance. I showed restraint, and did not get overly excited. We smoked it all night long.

It was ok.
 

mso489

Preferred Member
Feb 21, 2013
30,176
11,561
Cherry done badly (or at all in my opinion mostly) is about the worst pipe smoking experience. However, since your kid was so loving of his dad to get the cob and the Paladin blend, the advantage is that you can smoke it in his presence from time to time (and God bless you for that) and he will have no doubt about what you are smoking. Cherry blends make me queasy.
 

BROBS

Preferred Member
Nov 13, 2019
5,947
17,860
37
IA
Cherry done badly (or at all in my opinion mostly) is about the worst pipe smoking experience. However, since your kid was so loving of his dad to get the cob and the Paladin blend, the advantage is that you can smoke it in his presence from time to time (and God bless you for that) and he will have no doubt about what you are smoking. Cherry blends make me queasy.
There are actually some really good cherry blends. I used to feel the same way as you because I associated cherry flavor with something like a Middleton Cherry cigar.
 

saltedplug

Preferred Member
Aug 20, 2013
3,347
639
The clan of Morton, of Frog, is endowed with legs so muscled as to leap to any towering tree, whereupon they sup on unfiltered sunlight and are cleansed by breezes. Sometimes they smoke a pipe. Mostly they revel in the peace of being out of reach, that they continue to be mortons, in all.
 

KAM1952

New member
Jan 2, 2020
1
0
For Fathers day, my son tried to be a good son and get hip Pop some Pipe Tobacco. He brings me a cob, a tool and a bag of Paladin Black Cherry, I was pleased that he made the effort. It was a good day for sure.

After he left, I thought I would go on Tobacco Reviews and read what the "experts" had to say. Here was the first one to pop up...

Shame that one cannot give negative stars. This is the exact brand of tobacco that Lucifer gives people in Hades to smoke. If you made the terrorists smoke this godawful mess, they'd gladly turn in their own mothers. I believe that I would enjoy smoking fresh cow dung more than this crap. I hate this blend so very much that I created an account here primarily to review this atrosicity and to let you all know just how much that I abhor it. It is bland, boring, cough syrup nonsense. If you put it into a briar, you will quickly discover that you need to call a Pastor, a Priest, or a member of clergy to perform an exorcism of your pipe; your average cleaning and salt-and-Everclear cleansing will need help of a divine nature.

If someone offers you a bowl or a pouch of Paladin Black Cherry, know that they are doing so because they hate you. Run fast, run far, just run.

Pipe Used: MM Legend Cob, Various Briar

Age When Smoked: New

Purchased From: Local B&M

Similar Blends: A slow and painful death..


I was on the floor laughing. Someone talented person took the time to write this epic. I applaud the effort. I know that there are some hysterical reviews, by some very creative people, about some very bad blends.

Any other "tobacco review prose" that made you chuckle?
But did you like it?
 

Pipelady20

Senior Member
Apr 17, 2020
426
1,593
East coast, USA
www.pipesmagazine.com
FROG MORTON REVIEW:
With all this fuss about Frog Morton on this site I had to go out and get a tin last night. Frankly, I was very frightened by the results.

My first thought when I got to look at the label was, "Geez,..did somebody find this drawing at a craft fair?" I mean--take a look at the label close up. This DOES NOT look like it was drawn by a professional illustrator for the label of a major pipe tobacco manufacturer. It looks more like something you might find hanging in your Grandma's kitchen. Even the type is messed up--I've seen secretaries make better layouts in PowerPoint. In fact, the label is so unbelievably silly looking that after staring at it for a few minutes at Tinderbox I actually felt a little foolish purchasing a tin.

An awkward transaction took place:

"Um, pardon me sales person, but I'll pass on the nice Dunhill tobaccos you've been showing me, instead I'll take the tobacco in the shitty label that looks like it was drawn by a third grader."

"Uh huh yes, the one with the retarded frog on it"

"No, I'm not into Lord of the Rings, Hobbits, or wizards or anything like that. I just want to try the tobacco in the painfully ugly can"

"No, I don't need a Churchwarden pipe to go with it! Please, just put the tin in the bag before somebody sees me."

After rushing from the store, finally free of what was becoming a horrifying exercise in bad taste, I went to my car and relaxed for a few moments. I tentatively poked and sniffed at the innards of the can.

"Hmmm,.. smells like latikia and virginia. Allright, that seems safe enough--can't be too bad I suppose".

Feeling a bit reassured, I packed a pipeful of Frog Morton. It was then that the true inner evil revealed itself. After smoking but half a bowl, I immediately felt the urge to play D&D. Please Lord, help me!

Even worse, I had to fight off the unholy desire to return to Tinderbox and purchase a knobby cane and one of those God-forsaken Danish pipes carved freehand from a hunk of drift wood.

I went home and lay on the couch until the urge passed. Thankfully it did pass, however I know there are many others who get caught up in the Frog Morton web, unable to break free.

Yes, pipes are treacherous business--never doubt it. Those with questionable taste should just stay away. You could end up like one of those crusty old coots polluting the atmosphere with Prince Albert Cherry Vanilla. Or worse, you could end up with the insane desire to place Boris Vallejo "Lady Demon" posters on the wall, watch reruns of Doctor Who, and attend renaissance fairs while dressed as a druid--all while smoking a clay pipe full of Frog Morton and thinking of yourself as "colorfull." (Shudder)
D E A D 💀
I'm laughing so hard I'm CRYING
This is the funniest!
 

BarrelProof

Senior Member
Mar 29, 2020
466
1,435
35
The Last Frontier
One of the better reviews on tobaccoreviews.com of Sutliff’s Frosty Mint.



...Do you like Mint?

...Seriously, are you a mint fanatic?

…Do you prefer your mint to feel like it's clubbing you in the face with a large 10 pound candy cane with other smaller candy canes nails through it, then having wintergreen oil poured into the open wounds while inhaling mentholatum through your nostrils as your eyes water? THAT is what you get with Frosty Mint from Altadis. Without all the violence.

I love the Altadis brand. It's like having the freaky girlfriend that everyone loathes. You know the one: sexy but dangerous and very offensive to everyone with a ‘devil may care' attitude, however when you put up with all her misgivings she's a tigress in the sack. All my senses tell me I should hate this brand. That I should turn up my nose to it; pipe smoking should be reserved for more serious brands.

But darn it, Altadis is tasty.

And Frosty Mint delivers as promised. It's mint, pure and simple. In the self-descriptor it claims to have chocolate-mint. Personally I think if it ever did have a hint of chocolate in there, that poor flavor has long since been killed and tossed overboard by all that damn mint.
 
Last edited:

rushx9

Preferred Member
Jul 10, 2019
1,763
11,901
38
Shelby, NC
FROG MORTON REVIEW:
With all this fuss about Frog Morton on this site I had to go out and get a tin last night. Frankly, I was very frightened by the results.

My first thought when I got to look at the label was, "Geez,..did somebody find this drawing at a craft fair?" I mean--take a look at the label close up. This DOES NOT look like it was drawn by a professional illustrator for the label of a major pipe tobacco manufacturer. It looks more like something you might find hanging in your Grandma's kitchen. Even the type is messed up--I've seen secretaries make better layouts in PowerPoint. In fact, the label is so unbelievably silly looking that after staring at it for a few minutes at Tinderbox I actually felt a little foolish purchasing a tin.

An awkward transaction took place:

"Um, pardon me sales person, but I'll pass on the nice Dunhill tobaccos you've been showing me, instead I'll take the tobacco in the shitty label that looks like it was drawn by a third grader."

"Uh huh yes, the one with the retarded frog on it"

"No, I'm not into Lord of the Rings, Hobbits, or wizards or anything like that. I just want to try the tobacco in the painfully ugly can"

"No, I don't need a Churchwarden pipe to go with it! Please, just put the tin in the bag before somebody sees me."

After rushing from the store, finally free of what was becoming a horrifying exercise in bad taste, I went to my car and relaxed for a few moments. I tentatively poked and sniffed at the innards of the can.

"Hmmm,.. smells like latikia and virginia. Allright, that seems safe enough--can't be too bad I suppose".

Feeling a bit reassured, I packed a pipeful of Frog Morton. It was then that the true inner evil revealed itself. After smoking but half a bowl, I immediately felt the urge to play D&D. Please Lord, help me!

Even worse, I had to fight off the unholy desire to return to Tinderbox and purchase a knobby cane and one of those God-forsaken Danish pipes carved freehand from a hunk of drift wood.

I went home and lay on the couch until the urge passed. Thankfully it did pass, however I know there are many others who get caught up in the Frog Morton web, unable to break free.

Yes, pipes are treacherous business--never doubt it. Those with questionable taste should just stay away. You could end up like one of those crusty old coots polluting the atmosphere with Prince Albert Cherry Vanilla. Or worse, you could end up with the insane desire to place Boris Vallejo "Lady Demon" posters on the wall, watch reruns of Doctor Who, and attend renaissance fairs while dressed as a druid--all while smoking a clay pipe full of Frog Morton and thinking of yourself as "colorfull." (Shudder)
Bruh. You not even gonna tell 'em who wrote that shit!?!🌴🌳🌲
🤣🤣🤣 🐸🧙🏼‍♂️🐉
 

mortonbriar

Preferred Member
Oct 25, 2013
1,209
736
Ha ha, yes nothing like a spiteful review for a good chuckle...I was still kind of curious about the 'Holly pads' blend, right up until 'butt hairs of skunks'. When the 46 year, 15 bowl a day guy says that....well...old mate Kenny Rogers summed it up nicely.
 

musicman

Member
Nov 12, 2019
231
1,022
Tucson, AZ
A little over a month ago, @hoosierpipeguy posted a review of KBV's Sakura here on the forum that made me laugh out loud and snort a bit of my drink.


"Just received KB Sakura and loaded a bowl after leaving the bag open for a couple of hours. The tin note is how I would image a fart let by Brobs after he shoved a jar of maraschino cherries up his arse. From what I can perceive about Brobs and how warped he is, this is not such a far fetched concept. Lest I digress however, on with the review.

This is a pleasant blend but the topping covers up the tobacco flavors too much IMHO. Which is why in general, I dislike aromatics. It is more of a cherry floral essence than a heavy cherry topping. There is an evident sweet and sour presence in the background from the VaOr. It burns rather cool and easy for an aromatic. I don't see smoking this often but it is a pleasant change of pace. I think it is a huge improvement on most cherry blends which smell like cherries but taste awful. For how I like it, I'd give it 3 stars at best. Comparing it to other Aromatics, 4 stars. Just to be clear, even as a fervent anti aromatic guy, this is a pleasant blend to smoke. I bought it because I was somewhat desperate to try a KB VaOr blend and on that note, am a bit disappointed. But not sorry I bought it in the least.

I will quit typing at this point so Brobs can head to the local grocery to purchase a case of maraschino cherries."
 

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