How Many of you are Divorced?

[didimauw]

Today the wife and I came to the agreement that if we are to stay best friends, that divorce is the only option. Everything will be extremely civil, like seriously great, you don't even understand how wonderful she is and will continue to be, and we will both be much happier. We explained it to our ten year old, and she understands and is all good now. It took me a while, but after our talk, I totally understand it myself. I miss her being my best friend. And our goal is to get that back, just not married.

Long story short, anyone on here in the same boat? Care to share any advice, or stories?

If not, I get it.

 

[Dave760]

Finally something with which I have some expertise. Two things that I think are important:

1. No matter how right the divorce is, there will be times when it is difficult.
2. When things are hard, remember these four words: It will get better.

I wish you the very best of luck.

 

[FurCoat]

Sorry to hear you're going through this. I've been through it twice and it's not fun. Take it day by day. It sounds like you all are being very mature about this.

 

[sablebrush52]

Done that twice. Well, actually one annulment and one divorce. I'm good friends with both Exes and we've been there for each other through thick and thin. When being married threatens to destroy your friendship, and you both have done serious work to remedy the situation, and the situation is not getting better, a divorce maybe the best option. Even an amicable split is no picnic.

Be patient, be loving, even when you don't feel like it. Reassure your child. Just because they say they understand, their reality is that the home they took for granted is ending, they're feeling a great deal of uncertainty, and that may have repercussions that you can't foresee.

In a way, you're giving your child a gift by not subjecting them to years of a dysfunctional home. People who stay together "for the sake of the children" may be doing more harm than good because they're demonstrating to that child how a relationship doesn't work, one day after another.

Best of luck to you all.

 

[warren]

Most disturbing thread I've read in years here. I do realize some couples grow apart. Or, one or the other partner drastically changes later in life. I've got a brother older and one younger who both have been divorced twice. Sad, very sad!

The divorces I observed led to my vow of no marriage until I was at least thirty and knew where I wanted my life to go and decided on the traits a prospective spouse had to possess. Looking around at my peers ... I consider myself very lucky in my choice. I still miss her desperately, rest her soul.

Luck sympathy to all of you who have or, are experiencing such a failure. Damned sad!

 

[macaroni]

People may need to separate. For awhile at least.

But stay maried. It's work. It's for life. Sometimes it's a pain in the ass-i know, been hitched 43 years. But it's a life commitment.

You each likely said something along the lines, "for better for worse....'til death do us part."

Why be a liar 'cause it's hard (from experience, when I'm a stubborn ass LOL!).

Likely, some wont like this--too bad! Truth hurts. Suck it up!
Firmly,
Mike

 

[Briar Lee]

The day I brought my first wife home to meet Mama she took me aside after a day of watching us and said, I realize that girl has the prettiest face of any woman I’ve ever seen in person in my life, and it doesn’t hurt her Daddy owns a dozen banks, but you need to know her disposition isn’t going to improve after you marry her.

After 18 years of marriage I finally had enough of being hit, ridiculed, made fun of, and in general being treated like shit.

Still our divorce broke my heart and it hurt our son, but let me tell you this.

Once I got free I didn’t want her and me to be friends again.

Friends treat you like you treat them.

Or else you get a new friend, you know?

 

[macaroni]

Family life takes strength and commitment. Nobody is perfect except Jesus. Get real. Sometimes we're all wrong and fouled up. Just don't like to face it. Like to bs ourselves.

And we are VERY hard to live with at times. Even and especially with those who see us closest. Such is life, "for all have sinned and come short."

Don't like it? To bad. Neither do I.

But that's you and that's me.

Nobody can be a bigger ass than I, likely. Hard to live with, sure. Admit it. For starters. Practice these words, "I'm wrong, I'm sorry." Be the man and set the example.

And all this smarmy crap about, "...better for everyone...," is selfish bullshit.

You'll see. As Justin Wilson said, "Guaranteed."

Quit kidding yourself or not, and find out later.

We all know the truth-we can be real shits to live with in honest and open relationships with people we care about. And the daily give and take can be hard.

So quit fuc#$ng around and man up--face the truth. Egos are so darn sensitive, that's what's hard. I want my way. I want it now.

And kids? They WILL SUFFER. Remember Dr. Ben Carson re:the problem in Black's in America and the disintegration of the family there--the last 50+years and the lack of the family-look at the kids now, the prison population, and also their abortion rates.

You think this is Fox newd bs? Read the Bible or not, you'll see soon enough--life's short.
Mike

 

[nathaniel]

Umm is this just a covert way of gauging the size of our cellars and pipe collections?

In all seriousness though, I married my wife at 18. We're going on 17 years and have never really fought. We have 4 wonderful children. I'm the luckiest bastard on earth, I know... And because of that, probably somewhat naive to others' individual circumstances. But damn, I can't imagine many situations where divorce is the better option. ESPECIALLY with children. That's a recipe for a broken adult later on.

Further, i don't understand why people even get married when they go into it thinking divorce is even an option. What was the point of it to begin with? Our word is our integrity. The well-being of our children is our responsibility, and I'd never risk that for my own well-being.


But again, maybe im just lucky and naive. Everyone has their own circumstances and rules their own life. I hope the best for you all.

 

[macaroni]

@Briar Lee, I think the world of youand your heart and mind. I read you posts here, first, now and you thrill me. When I read your early posts, I was ambivalent - but not now

I'm sorry she treated you like shit. And I'm sorry that you ignored your smart Momma. I did the same on lots of stuff. May my Momma RIP.

But divorce is wrong. And we're forever wounded in this life when we do it. Whether we're honest 'nuff to admit it or not. We'll soon find out about that, after the last turn on this journey.

Making a bad choice carries consequences. Always.

And BTW--I respect ans admire AND HAVE CHRISTIAN LOVE for you deeply and thank you for sharing-so, 'til we meet after that final journey...

Your Brother, kindly-
mike

 

[hoosierpipeguy]

What about your marriage has threatened your "friendship"? What are your fights about? What makes you believe the issues are irreparable?

 

[macaroni]

What about your marriage has threatened your "friendship"? What are your fights about? What makes you believe the issues are irreparable?

Exactly, Mark. Most of 'em have been about me getting my way, and not wanting to own up to my own bs.

And I hate it when I'm wrong and often fight Nottoway admit it.

Hope and expect you're like me tonight in FL--far better than you deserve (and I know you've gone through some shit, not marital but "life-wise," yet you rejoice in those Loved Ones And Precious Grandchildren that Laura and I would be jealous of...))
kindest regards
mike

 

[ashdigger]

I’ve been divorced 18 years. Happy 18 years of my life, other than the 18 before I got married

I’m a workaholic and since I don’t require more than 4-5 sleep I worked my ass off personally and professionally.

It wasn’t enough. I couldn’t do enough.

But her boyfriend could.

I’m sorry you’re going through it. One day at a time.

 

[didimauw]

I disagree with anyone who says that a child's life will be better with parents who have grown to hate each other. Kids deserve to know how to be happy in life.

Thank you all for your support. I have talked to her more today after the fact than in the last 3 months. We already feel better with this situation.

It's not easy, and I will be sad for a very long time. But if this means I get to keep a friend, I'll do whatever it takes. Friends are everything these days.

 

[didimauw]

What about your marriage has threatened your "friendship"? What are your fights about? What makes you believe the issues are irreparable?

We just used to have so much fun together, and over the 17 years together, we have both changed. Life has gotten different, more hectic, etc. We aren't the same people we were that long ago. It's true.

Sometimes you just know

 

[Chasing Embers]

Widowed but never divorced.

 

[jacot23]

I really wish I could give some advice, but really that’s a decision that’s yours and it sounds like a done deal; prayers and best wishes for you and yours.

My wife and I started dating in ‘92 and married in ‘ 96. We’ve both said and done things that aren’t nice and nearly divorced twice. First time was after our son was born and the second time last year; neither because of infidelity, more to do with our families butting in(I didn’t have her back a couple times when my mom was being a b!..h).

We’ve recently come to a different conclusion though. We’ve bought some property about 3 hours from here and when our daughter graduates high school in two years, we’re gonna build an house and start fresh; away from here so it’s just us(of course both children will always be welcome and have a spot).

There’s a lot of give and take and we’ve both figured out it’s us against the world. I hope you can find that place and remain married.

 

[sablebrush52]

Everyone has their own circumstances and rules their own life. I hope the best for you all.

Now THAT is the truth of it. Given that 50% of all marriages end in divorce, not being aware of the possibility would be very naive. That's different from going into a marriage thinking you can always divorce. I agree with you there. Why would anyone do that.

As for the recipe for a broken adult, growing up with parents in an unhappy marriage, who are constantly tearing at each other? That's a recipe for a broken adult because that's what you learn marriage is. My parents were married for 73 years and it was one hell of a home life. They stayed together "for the sake of the children" and ALL of us wished they hadn't. Each one of us was more screwed up than the last, and it took a lot of work to dissipate all that trauma. My siblings have had wonderful marriages. My Exes are wonderful friends.

When we tried to celebrate my parents' 50th anniversary they bugged out for Vegas, telling us that they had no intention of pretending that their marriage was a success and merited a celebration. Funny thing is, they finally made a peace in the last few years and showed real affection for each other. It was wonderful to see that. So they finished out well.

Each person's situation has similarities and differences and to apply one rule to all of it is simpleminded and a convenient falsehood. That "man up" crap is just that. Crap.

People who have a shared commitment of connection and responsibility to one another will manifest that commitment under changed circumstances. They will need to learn how to navigate those changes as best as they can.

 

[cosmicfolklore]

Everyone’s situation is different. I have divorced twice, and no one can see through your eyes or heart. Do what you gotta do. Only you know your heart. Every decision is hard, but you just have to choose the hard that is the healthiest for everyone.

My one and only piece of advice is that no matter how great or easy a divorce may seem…. Document everything. End of each day, write down everything that happened that day. Record phone calls. Save every note. Things can turn on a dime, when the heart is involved. I saved myself and children a whole hell of a lotta trouble by documenting really well. Most won’t matter in court, but attorneys know how to use information. Plus, it helps you sleep better just journalling it all out at the end of every day. It is NEVER quick and easy. Some people will make an agreement one day, promises, vows, and turn on a dime to get what they want. Don’t fall into a lull of, “we are getting along so well.” Divorce is… never easy.

 

[yohanan]

."Everything will be extremely civil, like seriously great, you don't even understand how wonderful she is and will continue to be, and we will both be much happier."

To begin with, You made this public, Please forgive me, I just don't understand, everything is great, civil, and wonderful , why can't you be happy now? Life can suck, that's why we stick together, been married for 32 years,
lots of problems, were still together, and I mean lot's of problems. Whatever the outcome, I wish You and your Family the best.