How Many of you are Divorced?

[telescopes]

Marriage is both a choice and it is work. Women change and if you married one young enough, she won’t be the same woman 20 years later. Men - oddly enough - are almost always the same person they were when they were younger - except they just have more money. Much of the challenge is adjusting to and loving the person our wife becomes as well as her loving and accepting who her husband hasn’t become. Of course this isn’t always the case, but it quite often is. Nature plays a cruel trick on women. It convinces them they went a family and children and when they hit 40 they realize they went to be something else. It’s why you hear so many men say that they didn’t change but their wife became someone else. Loving the person your wife becomes isn’t easy. But it is even harder for her to love the person who never changed at all and is still that same young man she married so many years ago.

 

[mawnansmiff]

I've been working on my family tree for nigh on 22 years and have just under 90,000 individuals on my database.

One thing that really struck me once I started logging my American relatives was the amount of divorces that they had back in the early 20th century. I'm not talking about one here one thee, I'm talking of many, many dozens, some occurring when the couple might not have reached aged 20.

Back then, and for many years, divorce was regarded as something shameful on this side of the pond but it seems as though it was more acceptable back then in the States.

The oddest thing about a lot of my American divorced relatives was they were mainly Mormons!

Jay.

 

[bobomatic]

Married 18 years and got divorced. It was never about being "happy" or searching for something. It was about
two people who couldn't function together anymore.

Loyalty, trust, lack of respect... once lost, are next to impossible to repair, despite the best of intentions. I'm married now to the most kindest, giving woman. I don't know what I did to deserve her but there it is. I'm very blessed.

To the OP, agreements to stay best friends, are just that. Life comes at you and those agreements, change,
just like everything in life. For better or for worse. There are no crystal balls, but whatever path you take,
good luck mi amigo.

 

[yanoJL]

Widower here. Never divorced.
Just wanted to offer wishes of peace and comfort as you move through this event in your life. Only you and your wife know what will be the best path forward for your family. The right decision is not always the easiest.
Best of luck, brother.

 

[sablebrush52]

Respectfully, it was you that suggested a one-minute search that would clear up the matter. It did not.

Ok, fair enough. It took me 3 minutes.

 

[jpberg]

It’s tough to hear, regardless.
Take care of the kid.

 

[kcghost]

The two great plans in life are living with a woman and living without one. You tried the first and now you are going to try the second. Good luck.

 

[El Capitán]

I was married for 3 days during a bender in Vegas during my 21st birthday. My friend Nicole was a lesbian and I am gay and we were both out of the closet. We woke up on a Saturday and was waiting for Monday to get it annulled.

 

[Zero]

Today the wife and I came to the agreement that if we are to stay best friends, that divorce is the only option. Everything will be extremely civil, like seriously great, you don't even understand how wonderful she is and will continue to be, and we will both be much happier. We explained it to our ten year old, and she understands and is all good now. It took me a while, but after our talk, I totally understand it myself. I miss her being my best friend. And our goal is to get that back, just not married.

Long story short, anyone on here in the same boat? Care to share any advice, or stories?

If not, I get it.

Without going into detail, I am currently in the same boat, I've been married for alittle over 22yrs now. I just submitted the paperwork to the District Clerk's Office this past October. I can only empathize with you (it can be an emotional rollercoaster), plenty of good advice has been given and you have a good head on your shoulders. I would just reiterate the importance of supporting and making your daughter a priority (which I have the feeling you will) and embrace new beginnings. I wish you and your family the best outcome.

 

[telescopes]

It is interesting that people believe what they read on the internet.

Duck Duck Go, Google, Bing...Yahoo, Whatever.

Nothing I read on the internet is considered absolute. I can only state that I've read articles that indicate or purport the following...

However, my own personal observations are that 50% of marriages seem to fail.

It's a difficult thing to live with someone and spend your whole life with them. Think about how many friends you go through in a lifetime.

What keeps people together?

Why stay together?

Before my wife and I got married - we've been married for 31 years - we drew up our divorce papers - our prenuptial agreement. We discussed divorce and planned for it.

31 years later, neither of us feel the need to sign out. Love, real love, is not an emotion. It is a decision.

I suppose I could disown my daughter and disinherit her. But I can't imagine doing so. I chose her and we adopted her. It was a choice. One she had a decision in making as well.

Things happen and people separate. You won't find me judging anyone. But I do think our society is a bit quick to consider divorce before we consider actually changing who we are as individuals.

I probably am wrong.

 

[warren]

Children are very sensitive to change, especially at home. They are self-centered after all. They will notice the parental extra effort and no doubt see through it when artificial. Be honest with them as to what is happening and reassure them that they bear no guilt. They, most likely won't readily accept such reassurances because, as above, they feel the world revolves around them. Ergo, a divorce must be about them. Right or wrong. After all, everything must have been all right before they made their appearance in their parent's life or, they wouldn't be the "newbe". Very logical to a young, impressionable mind. Give the kid(s) the credit they deserve, they are extremely sensitive to their surroundings and any serious change to their life.

 

[anotherbob]

Today the wife and I came to the agreement that if we are to stay best friends, that divorce is the only option. Everything will be extremely civil, like seriously great, you don't even understand how wonderful she is and will continue to be, and we will both be much happier. We explained it to our ten year old, and she understands and is all good now. It took me a while, but after our talk, I totally understand it myself. I miss her being my best friend. And our goal is to get that back, just not married.

Long story short, anyone on here in the same boat? Care to share any advice, or stories?

If not, I get it.

only advices I can give is the kid is the most important thing. You and the lady mean less then the youngster. It's not as traumatic to kids these days as it used to be for our generations, but even then it was better for kids to see that things change and to see adults handle bad situations as well as possible.
The other is congratulations. Which sounds snarky but I sincerely mean it. Despite the pain it means that both of you get another shot at finding happiness. And I think you guys will be fine just from the frank and understanding tone you're using here.
I think the biggest mistake I see lots of people make after a relationship dissolves or runs it's course is trying to get back into the fray too quickly. It's o.k. to be single and you seem like a level headed decent guy without any gross abnormalities if you wait the fish aren't going to leave the sea. If it happens it happens just don't think you need to make it happen NOW!! like so many people do.

 

[sablebrush52]

Children are very sensitive to change, especially at home. They are self-centered after all. They will notice the parental extra effort and no doubt see through it when artificial. Be honest with them as to what is happening and reassure them that they bear no guilt. They, most likely won't readily accept such reassurances because, as above, they feel the world revolves around them. Ergo, a divorce must be about them. Right or wrong. After all, everything must have been all right before they made their appearance in their parent's life or, they wouldn't be the "newbe". Very logical to a young, impressionable mind. Give the kid(s) the credit they deserve, they are extremely sensitive to their surroundings and any serious change to their life.

I will tell you that when we told our 8 year old son about our decision to separate he gave us one hell of a lecture on how we had failed him and that we were reneging on our promise. Today he believes it was the best decision to make. Currently he's visiting his mom in La Crescenta and they've been having a ball.

 

[anotherbob]

Almost forgot when you meet a new wonderful lady don't forget how big of deal that is going to be to your daughter and she will adjust to that at whatever pace works for her. No one has to like each other at first just be respected.

 

[sablebrush52]

Ok, fair enough. It took me 3 minutes.

I should also mention that I researched divorce rates when I was in the middle of my divorce so I already knew the answer. At that time I was curious to know just how out of the norm it was and if I was really as much of a fuck up as I thought I was. Since that figure was 17 years old, I checked again to see if rates have improved. They haven't.

 

[keith929]

After 46 years of marriage my wife and I are happily separated.
Our children are grown and on their own. Fortunately they understand and support our decision.
We still gather as a family for birthdays,holidays and care for our grandchildren.
My wife and I are still best friends but we each need our own space.

 

[warren]

Yup, a life-time commitment no longer is, sadly.

 

[didimauw]

What about your marriage has threatened your "friendship"? What are your fights about? What makes you believe the issues are irreparable?

We just used to have so much fun together, and over the 17 years together, we have both changed. Life has gotten different, more hectic, etc. We aren't the same people we were that long ago. It's true.

Sometimes you just know

It is interesting that people believe what they read on the internet.

Duck Duck Go, Google, Bing...Yahoo, Whatever.

Nothing I read on the internet is considered absolute. I can only state that I've read articles that indicate or purport the following...

However, my own personal observations are that 50% of marriages seem to fail.

It's a difficult thing to live with someone and spend your whole life with them. Think about how many friends you go through in a lifetime.

What keeps people together?

Why stay together?

Before my wife and I got married - we've been married for 31 years - we drew up our divorce papers - our prenuptial agreement. We discussed divorce and planned for it.

31 years later, neither of us feel the need to sign out. Love, real love, is not an emotion. It is a decision.

I suppose I could disown my daughter and disinherit her. But I can't imagine doing so. I chose her and we adopted her. It was a choice. One she had a decision in making as well.

Things happen and people separate. You won't find me judging anyone. But I do think our society is a bit quick to consider divorce before we consider actually changing who we are as individuals.

I probably am wrong.

That's a very unique situation. Very interesting!

 

[didimauw]

After 46 years of marriage my wife and I are happily separated.
Our children are grown and on their own. Fortunately they understand and support our decision.
We still gather as a family for birthdays,holidays and care for our grandchildren.
My wife and I are still best friends but we each need our own space.

This is what our plan is. And with our schedules we don't see each other during the week anyways.

Still plan on hanging out as a family at times, coffee, holidays, daughters bday etc.

 

[Peterson314]

Oof.

I've been with my wife for 25 years. The only advice I feel I can give is that we encourage each other to make time our friends. I love being with my wife and growing our family together, but there are just some hobbies, activities, and connections that we can only make with other people. We are each other's rock, but we are not each other's everything. That's an impossible ask.

Keep your head up, @didimauw.