Hard Times

[seadogontheland]

I have been here for a little while now and feel I know some good stuff about the regulars and think you guys are a really good group of folks. This forum has been a needed respite for me.
With that said I'm not meaning to "dump" but these last 8 months have been pretty hard on me. I separated from my wife, which was bad enough, and now she is taking our daughter to Texas to live with her cousin and her little girl.
Anyone else going through something similar? I'm afraid I feel broken and lost right now.

 

[mso489]

I'm sorry, seadog, but I think you're right not to keep it to yourself. The more people you can touch base with right now, people you can trust and who will be supportive, the better. My wife and I are going through a long medical journey; she's in the course of her second hip replacement revision (one hip replacement, and one removal and a second replacement, and now working on the third). This relates not to bad prostheses but staph infections, two different strains now. She's admirably strong, teaches classes in continuing education that involve taking students to international restaurants, if you can imagine that in a wheelchair or on crutches or a walker. We manage to have fun and outings, but it isn't easy. I have to kind of carve out my own life in discreet patches of time that become available, but if my wife is receiving company, I am too, and so on. So people will have to bear with us, seadog. Life is complicated, sometimes rough, occasionally heartbreaking. Stay in touch with your people, especially your daughter, even when she's away. With technology, it's more possible.

 

[seadogontheland]

Thank you for your post, mso, I really appreciate it. I'm sorry to hear about your wife and the infections, I work with a good deal of medical professionals and know how frustrating a situation such as yours can be. You're a good man and she is lucky to have you...indeed for you to have each other.

 

[bigboi]

Seadog,
I feel for you man. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I too have had the worst 7 months of my life as well. I really hit a hard spot with my wife too. I thought my world was crashing down on me. It is rough, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[jackswilling]

Will be praying for you. In some cases, only time can provide some measure of healing. Your daughter needs her father so do your best for her. Be strong for her. Most married folks have had some serious difficulties. Been there, done that. It can rock you world in a very bad way. Honestly, I can tell you will make it. Spend as much time with your daughter. See if you can relocate to Texas if that makes sense. God Bless, and God Speed.

 

[seadogontheland]

Thank you bigboi and jack. I will definitely stay in my child's life. To be honest, she means more to me than any other person in this world. We have a very strong relationship. What kills me is not seeing her everyday, giving her hugs and kisses...being around to take care of her cuts and scrapes and show her all the love I have since she came into this world almost 9 years ago. Your thoughts an prayers are greatly needed and appreciated.

 

[mortonbriar]

I appreciate you being vulnerable Seadog, not because I can relate to your situation, but because it reminds me to be grateful for what I have. Hoping you find a way to get quality time with your girl..

 

[seadogontheland]

Thank you, Morton. Yes, definitely do cherish who you have and let them know it as often as possible.

 

[danielplainview]

We wish you the best. Hang in there brother.

 

[allan]

Seadog
I'm going to guess that many of us on the forum have through one sort of challenge like this or another-I certainly know that I have
My best advice is to not hold it in share your feelings with your closest friends and possibly seek some professional assistance to get through this very difficult time

 

[cosmicfolklore]

I went through a rough divorce 14 years ago. She developed a schizophrenia while carrying our second daughter, and just went wacko. Every day was some made up monster or scenario. She first signed custody over to me, because she realized that she was sick, but then she tried to run off with the girls. The police soon figured out that she was the biggest danger and brought the girls back, and then the courtroom battle began. Taped phone calls, and every dirty trick in the books was played on her part. After a two year battle with her, the courts, and the doctors, the moment I signed the final paperwork, I caught pneumonia, and spent three months drowning in my own lungs. I feel for you. Divorce is not easy. Anyone who says it is, just has no clue.
I have had my daughters on my own all of this time, and my oldest is getting ready to leave the nest. It's always one thing after another.
My advise to anyone facing divorce is just never get angry, ever, keep your temper, be the nice guy, and the powers that govern this whole enchilada will work out what is best for everyone. If you are getting a divorce, the time for convincing her of anything is over. No use in talking arguing about anything with her. Don't waste your time. Time to talk to the judge. Like any fight, the one who looses their temper looses the fight. Many a time I just stood puppy dog eyed in front of the court or the police while my wife screamed about what horrible monster I was with lie after lie, and it all worked out. If you think about it, if you were a judge or an officer of the law, would you believe the person who is angry, or the person who being calm and rational?
I always hate to hear someone is going though this. Good luck.

 

[brass]

Praying.
I'm with Cosmic. Even the best divorce sucks for everyone.
And echoing Jackswilling, do try to move near your daughter. If you can imagine the possibility, you can make it happen.
Meantime, THIS TOO WILL PASS. IT WILL GET BETTER. Take it one day at a time and enjoy each day you have. Put it in God's hands and trust him to help with the load. Put one foot in front of the other, and do the best you can. Then let the rest go.
As you can read, you'll know I haven't an original bit of advice to share, but these statements and the rest of the advice you're getting here aren't just bromides.
There is not only ancient shared wisdom in what the members are suggesting but it is a sign that people do care. Stay in touch with those you love and who love you. Don't get isolated. PM us if you need.
Pax

 

[cosmicfolklore]

Oh, and by taped phone calls, I didn't mean to suggest that that was a dirty trick. I'm sure that your lawyer has suggested this, because every lawyer I talked to suggested it here, but by taping your phone calls, that will keep you from losing control and saying more than you need to. When we know that what we are saying is being taped, it helps us keep control of what we are saying.
And, once we hire lawyers, all negotiations and discussion between the two of you are over. That's why you pay them the big bucks. Let them do your talking, and don't worry what she says or thinks or the neighbors or even your friends. Once the judge rules, then the repairs begin. I had every one of her and my friends bring me covered dishes and apologize to me. All through the thing, I just let them all believe her and her craziness. The only person in the world that matters through the whole thing is the judge. And, once the judge rules, they all will have looked like fools.
I've just seen too many of my friends screw up their whole life by loosing control one time. That's all it takes. Letting their ego get the best of them. Men and women are judged differently. Women can be emotional and push buttons. Society says that this is OK. But, if a man looses it just once, that shows that he is a violent person and has put his wife and children in danger. Like it or not, fair or not, that is how the world works. Just my 0.02.

 

[daimyo]

Sending my thoughts and hope for some shelter from your hard times seadogontheland. Thank you for being part of our community here and may it offer some respite when needed. Hoping for the best outcome for you and your daughter.

 

[cobguy]

Geoffry,
All the best to you during this difficult time.
I hope that your pipes serve useful to you and help to relax your mind some.
Day by day, step by step and you'll be dancing again before you know it.
Hang in there and, as the guys said, try to remain as calm as possible. ::

 

[dochudson]

If she has taken your daughter out state you need to get with a lawyer sooner then later..

 

[jackswilling]

Don't record a phone call without knowing if your state requires consent. It is a crime to do so here. Every state is different. The advice about keeping your composure is critical. Everything stated in this regard is sage. I tell every family law client to be calm and composed, especially in court. Judges hate, hate, hate, histrionic long-winded parties. If you both can be civil and work it out, don't waste a dime on an attorney. If not, the best attorney usually wins, or at least the one that the judge likes/knows.

 

[pipebaum81]

"If sorrow were water, the earth would drown"- Dennis Prager
Seadog, I am so terribly sorry this is happening in your life. I can empathize because after ten years of marriage, I too am going through a divorce. I also have children, a daughter and a son. Ultimately I will live for the next few years in Florida and her and the kids in New Mexico. This has been the single worst thing I have experienced in my relatively short life time.
It may have been easier had we not loved so deeply and not shared years that were so sweet. If she were an evil ice queen I might feel liberated by my soon to be bachelor status but I do not really. This of course all came to a head while I've been deployed making this all that much more fun.
I do not know really what to say other than to take solace in that you are not alone. I know there will be good times ahead they will just be different good times. For me hope and dignity are the two cornerstones towards some level of happiness through this process. Whenever I am feeling weak (many times a day) I check these two important states of mind and I find them lacking. Do what you can to feed them and you may feel more empowered.
MSO and Cosmic, thank you for sharing your stories with us. It's good to know that life exists on the other side of unfortunate events. When your names are next to posts I always read them.
j/B

 

[portascat]

Been married twice. 2 kids. Girl in the 9th grade, son in the Navy.
It all sucks, and you never truly outlast the pain in my experience, even if divorce was the best, or only, option.
To be quite honest, finding a nice church was helpful for me.

 

[monty55]

Hang in there Seadog, it will get better, the sun will shine again, and life will go on.
I've been divorced for 16yrs now, after a 16yr marriage. The kids (3) are grown and left, and life has indeed moved on. You will look back on this some time from now and realize you did get through it.
chin up bro, load ur favorite pipe fix yourself a drink or some tea and just kick it man.. try not to think about "it", but rather the tobacco, and ur pipe. After that go online and order a bunch of tobacco and a few pipes.. that will bring a grin on ::