A few highlights from my forthcoming autobiography "The American Art of Defying Death in the Last Quarter of the Twentieth Century":
- The first photo ever taken of me was done by my father, through a window into the hospital nursery, of my aunt, a nurse, holding me in her arms and a Salem in her mouth. I was about an hour old.
- I was squired about in a car seat that sat on the front seat. The only restraints were to keep me attached to my car seat.
- Everyone my age has a hand print on their chest that is still visible in X-Rays. It is the hand print of our mother's right hand. You remember, the one that functioned as the seat belt when something interesting happened on the road. It is a badge of honor.
- I grew up in the Evel Kneivel era. We all had bicycles and we were all experts at locating things to jump and constructing ramps. As time went on, we also became experts in the immutability of Newtonian physics and field expedient first aid.
- After one jump went particularly awry, I appeared at home with my noggin leaking vital fluid at a pretty brisk pace. My mother saw me and flipped straight out. My father appeared, demanding to know what had interrupted his peace and quiet. He saw me and having been through World War II simply said, "Sit." I did as ordered. He grabbed a kitchen rag and commenced to scrub away at my head. When he was satisfied with his handiwork, he poured alcohol on it with one hand while holding me still with the other. I held that rag to my head until the leaking stopped. No doctor. No concussion protocol. No problem. Yes, I do have a cool scar to this day.
- Was I unsupervised while playing with knives, firearms, and explosives? You bet. Did I hurt myself or anyone else? Nope. Oddly, neither did my friends.
- Did I walk the two miles home from elementary school? Alone? Yep.
- Did I get bullied in school. You bet. Did everyone else? Pretty much. Did we cry and tell the teacher? No. A straight right to the face of the offending party was the straight path to permanent resolution. When teachers broke us up, did we get suspended, anger management class, or, stuffed animals to sooth our feelings? No. We got told to stop our nonsense and get back to whatever it was that we were supposed to be doing.
- Did I regularly ride in the back of a pickup truck? Oh, yeah.
- Ride a minibike with no helmet? Helmets are for guys who can't ride!
- When canned Coca-Cola arrived, did I tear off the pull tab and drop it into the can before drinking? Yep.
- Did I grow up in a world where people smoked everywhere? Yep. You mean inside? Absolutely. I mean in theaters, restaurants, court rooms, in fact, I mean everywhere but church. And, yes, that means in elevators too.
- Did I spend my high school Friday nights drag racing? You bet. Helmet? Nope. Seat belt? What's that? Did anyone die? No. Get hurt? Only their pride. In fact, the police never came near the place. They all knew what was going on, but, they left us to it. While on the subject of seat belts, every car my parents owned had seat belts. When cleaning the car, my father always tucked them into the gap at the back of the seat, like every other American with pride in their automobile. He taught his children to do it too.
- Later on, I lived in a college dormitory, on the 8th floor, with a window that would open large enough for a beer keg to fit through it. I am still not at liberty to divulge how I know that to be true.
- Then there's a whole conversation to be had about the zaniness of 18 year old "adults" being able to legally purchase joy juice. That could never go wrong, could it?
I could go on, but, I think I've proven I am in the choir here. Needless to say, it was awesome. We lived outside even when we were inside, literally, because we had no air conditioning and my mother would throw the windows wide open, even in the dead of winter, to "let some fresh air in." We were utterly free. No rules. No PC nonsense. No Facebook. No cell phones. Just us, our imaginations, and our real, live, in the flesh friends. It all worked because we had parents who instructed us from day one what the true rules of our lives were and the draconian punishments that awaited us if we violated those rules.
I did my best to raise my children the same way and, as you may imagine, had more than a few lively discussions with other parents, teachers, school principals, sports coaches, and so on. I was successful in the main and they have both remarked on how their old school childhood experiences have made them different from their peers and how happy they are about it. My kids are on their own now, but, I am lucky enough to have almost weekly dinners with them. We talk, laugh, I smoke my pipe, my son smokes his pipe, and my daughter occasionally joins in. Life is good.
Cheers,
Chili