Favorite line from a tobacco review

[dmcmtk]

I was trying to remember this one when this thread began. I was just reading reviews of JKP in anticipation of the Oct. crawl and found it. From hedgehog JackKnife Ready Rubbed,

Short version: gracious, this is manly...Suddenly all I want to do is chug a couple of handles of Wild Turkey, squeeze off some rounds, club some seal babies, harpoon something endangered, bomb Hanoi, crank up the George Thorogood, copter-hunt some mastadons, scarf a T-bone, litter, bench-press my HumVee, call in some air-strikes and generally get some. That's what a kiloton of Kentucky Dark Fired can do for a guy.
Esthetes and other un-American elements have suggested that there there's some bright-leaf in here, and maybe some sweet Virginias. If there are, I don't want to know about it. I like my tobacco as subtle as a thermobaric charge; this hits the spot and leaves a smoking hole.
Pipe Used: Generally I smoke this with my bare hands.
Similar Blends: Bugatti Veyron, fuel-air explosives, Josef Stalin, Death Valley, and the first 15 minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

 

[hierophant]

From a review of Full Virginia Flake on TobaccoReviews:

Now I know there are those out there who relish in the thought that they are amongst the elite, the cognizanti who are anointed into the secret club of spending at least as much time preparing and tinkering and babysitting your tobacco as you do smoking it. But for those among us with other things going on in our lives besides pipe smoking, this tobacco is simply a pain in the ass:

 

[misterlowercase]

"Digger Flake is a hardy, no- frills burley flake of stout character. It isn't friendly, accomodating or even refined. However, such negative adjectives still appeal to some, and I am in present company. DF is not easy to locate but for my money, it is THE burley flake. I wish I could smoke it often but as an occasional enjoinder it is magnificent. Uniform, powerful, slow to burn and all too quickly, gone." - Danno

 

[misterlowercase]

"But though I very much like this delectable, dignified blend I prefer it's sister, that painted hussy Pembroke."

- Sinister Topiary
http://www.tobaccoreviews.com/blend/495/esoterica-tobacciana-margate#review27940

&

"At any rate, like near-death experiences and certain forms of asphyxiation, you can't conceive of it until you've experienced it."

- Eulenburg
http://www.tobaccoreviews.com/blend/1129/erinmore-erinmore-plug#review1249

 

[perdurabo]

what?

 

[weezell]

Funny shit... :rofl:

 

[sevenseas]

TobaccoReviews.com review of Mac Baren Dark Twist Loose Cut:

Room note makes women horny. They think you smell like a man covered in leather.

Are all of you 30 year-old virgin guys out there paying attention? This stuff must be the ultimate chick magnet. Go get some NOW. :mrgreen:

 

[oldredbeard]

I haven't laughed this much in a while, Thank you gentlemen.

 

[tinsel]

Short version: gracious, this is manly...Suddenly all I want to do is chug a couple of handles of Wild Turkey, squeeze off some rounds, club some seal babies, harpoon something endangered, bomb Hanoi, crank up the George Thorogood, copter-hunt some mastadons, scarf a T-bone, litter, bench-press my HumVee, call in some air-strikes and generally get some. That's what a kiloton of Kentucky Dark Fired can do for a guy.

Esthetes and other un-American elements have suggested that there there's some bright-leaf in here, and maybe some sweet Virginias. If there are, I don't want to know about it. I like my tobacco as subtle as a thermobaric charge; this hits the spot and leaves a smoking hole.
Pipe Used: Generally I smoke this with my bare hands.
Similar Blends: Bugatti Veyron, fuel-air explosives, Josef Stalin, Death Valley, and the first 15 minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

This had me rolling with laughter. I LOVE JKP, and it's probably my favorite blend. This guy hit the reason why straight on the nose.
Here's my personal favorite, taken from tobaccoreviews.com. It's a review of Dunhill EMP:

This tobacco was good so good, that it reminded me of a time long ago....
Place, Vietnam. The Year is 1965. The Month, June. Day: The 7th; AKA Day 282 in 'Nam for me. June was the rainy season for 'Nam. I had been given some leave time from my base in Saigon and so I went to explore the City, like usual, my buddies didnt get leave, but I hoped to find some more GI's in some of the local bars. It was unseasonably dry that day. No rain. It was nice for once to not deal with dagum water in the shoes. I felt good, like it was going to be a swell day; I had every reason to think so. A week before, I had killed 10 Charlie in one night. I was satisfied. And now I had leave, who could ask for anything more?
I stopped in at a bar in the East Side of Saigon called Do Phing Pan Ngo, where all the action was. The bar was bustling with GI's. Different guys trying to sweep some exotic doll off of her feet and into the bed. I had similar plans. I walked to the bar and ordered myself a tall one, ready to relax and find a target. Then it happened. She walked in lookin like something out of a dream. So gorgeous, she was with her sexy Vietnamese hips and supple behind. I knew what had to be done. I ordered another beer, and started over to her. Just before I did, some officer cut in front of me. Dam. He had beat me to the punch. I was just a lowly grunt. There was nothing that I could do. The babe started shooting me looks as the Officer was talkin her up. I knew this would be my only chance to get laid until i was sent back into the jungles to fight charlie. Charlie would always be there. This doll wouldnt. I made my move. As I did it, I felt my balls grow 3 times larger. A grunt was about to steal a woman from Officer. I approached her; didnt say a word and just took her hand and left with her, leaving the officer to shove it. I led her off to a small hotel room where we made love with out even speaking. We made love many times before the morning of the next day came, i wish I could remember the number, but I lost track after 30. I would have set a company record.
As she is there sleeping I got up to watch the sun rise over beautiful Saigon, with a gentle mist sweeping the rooftops that morning and I smoked a fat stogie in honor of my recent accomplishments. It was the most incredible feeling in the world, despite my man tool nearly falling off. The beautiful woman was still asleep after having the night of her life. I dressed, and left the room, but not before leaving her my picture so that the kid would one day know who his or her father was. And with that I left, returning to base and eventually leaving 'Nam, never to return.
Early Morning Pipe felt like that special morning in Saigon.

 

[hawke]

An excerpt from Jeffrey Deal's review:

Hawke's Indian Moon is as pure Americana as a George Catlin painting: bold, proud, and bigger than life. It's a straight forward, unapologetic, blend that is best shared (and savored) in the company of those you respect, encircling the sacred fire, and giving praise to the Great Spirit.

Jeffrey Deal

:clap:

 

[jmatt]

On the strength of Samuel Gawith's Black XX Twist (reviewer named "Pipeline"):

All I know is that I loaded a group three sized bowl fully dressed and in my right mind. At the end of my smoke, I found myself clothed in nothing but my BVD's and hiding behind an avocado tree in my backyard warding off fruit rats with a pen knife.

 

[andrew]

I used top smoke the Balkan Sobranie for years before it became discontinued. Many swear this tobacco is not the same as the original Sobranie. It is not the same but that said I still lose myself in the smoke when smoking this tobacco. I don't remember the Sobranie being that much better. I enjoy the Balkan Saseini as if the Sobrani was not the yardstick to measure the Saseini but the Saseini is delicious on it's own right.I discovered Penzance and although it is delicious I would stock the Saseini but will only stock 20 tins Penzance. It is hard to find good pipe tobacco in Vancouver Canada.I woud recommend this blend to anyone. It is my favorite this far. I tried MCcellands 2030 mixture which was good but the Bill Baily's Balkan Blend tastes a bit dull for me.The Penzane Bulk was enjoyed but the Penzance in Tin is worth writing another review. I prefer the Saseini though. UPDATE 12/15/09 I still enjoy this blend the most and find I do not tire of it. I have Penzance in tins which are aging and I have a half full tin I occasionally smoke but for my alltime blend I find the Balkan Saseini is my brand.I can smoke it and I can chew it which I do not do . Point is this tobacco works for me in all conditions. If a smoke is wet I still enjoy this tobacco. I love the stuff. It gratifies me more than the Sobranie did when I smoked it but I smoke only a few bowls per day now. I find the less I smoke the more I savour and I find myself savoring this tobacco three times a day.

I love it as the guy prefers balkan sasieni to penzance, finds it quite similar to the balkan sobranie of old, or not much different, and I got Balkan Sasieni for about 4.50 a tin.

 

[shutterbugg]

I laugh (and skip over) the obligatory description of the tin note in every review. Idgaff what it smells like in the tin, it's not snuff, I'm going to smoke it, not snort it.
I also laugh when people describe tasting/smelling all sorts of things that aren't remotely included in the topping/casing. Figs, raisins, chocolate, nuts, mushrooms...barbeque ribs and KETCHUP fer cryin' out loud!!! LOLOLOL. A pipe tobacco that tastes/smells like a garbage can full of after dinner plate-sweepings really doesn't make me want to buy it :D

 

[perdurabo]

"Fella's...this blend gives me the worst case of the shits."

 

[misterlowercase]

"ehhhhh.... I think people just read what other write on here and make up stuff similiar." - Pipetech26

 

[cigrmaster]

Funny stuff guys, thanks for the laughs. I remember Eulenberg, Tantric and Bears reviews as I was always looking at them back in 2001. Eulenberg was definitely the most descriptive and would take his reviews to a different level.
Here is one of my favorites from him, he is reviewing Solani 633.
" "Nectar of the gods"..."God, I love Périque!"...I can fully echo these sentiments, and cherish this V & P flake accordingly. Sweet, spicy, heady...SOLANI 633 is almost pornographically good! (And like many violent pleasures, it can do things to you, if you really overindulge.)
Taste it slowly and deeply, like a good boy."

 

[misterlowercase]

"To all those sniveling about the harsh difficulties of cutting up the plug...oh, do come along! Quit your pathetic whining. If you don't like to cut plug...don't. Smoke something else. There's plenty of other blends out there. There! I feel better now. " - Blackhorse

 

[deathmetal]

"Fella's...this blend gives me the worst case of the shits."

Must be Best Brown No.4. Holy mackerel.