Several times on here I’ve been asked the secret to a great marriage. The secret is that the first marriage is the hardest, after that… it becomes routine. I kid, I kid. My first marriage was to a beautiful Scandinavian girl, gave me two beautiful daughters, but after the first pregnancy, she developed schizophrenia. I don’t joke about that part of my life. At first I just thought that she was a very jealous woman. She’d go through my calendar and then ask me in rage, “Who is April?” I was willing to stick it out, as I’d always heard that half of all marriages ended in either divorce or death, and she made the choice and tried to kill me. Long story short, I ended up raising two little girls from one years old till I met my now wife, Mrs Cosmic.
When I met Ms Cosmic, she was a diehard tobacco Nazi, because she had lost her father from lung cancer at an early age. I hid that I was a two pack a day smoker as I did everything I could to quit. My daughters were in on the deception, and would cover for me. When she found a pack of cigarettes in my truck, my youngest, 4 years old in Hello Kitty garb, said they were hers. Ms Cosmic was like, “yours?” My daughter said, “fuck yeh, but I just smoke when I’m drinking.”
I knew Ms Cos and I were a match made in heaven when we were attending a BPA meeting at the State House in Montgomery. She was one of the first online retailers for crafts supplies, before Amazon gobbled them all up. The Governor and all these fuddy duddies with stick up their asses setting around, making toasts with water with their little pinkies out. One woman was giving a speech on women entrepreneurs, and made a joke about conservative men marrying liberal women. My Ms Cos blurts out loudly, “The real reason conservative men want liberal women is because they’re way more likely to do anal!” just as water shot out my nose.
Being a single dad of girls, I was way more sensitive to women’s rights and respect for all women. Believe it or not. Ms Cos was more of just an outspoken realist. She was making speeches at these women’s conferences, which made her feel second class. She much preferred hob knobbing with the real business class, so she went into comedy, stand up as just a thing. It’s about the same as politics, except comedians tell the fucking truth. Believe it or not, standing up in front of huge groups is not my thing at all. But, I helped her write her stuff, and I became the butt of her jokes. There’s an art to it. We fell madly in love… actually… NO. More than that, we became best friends with benefits. I was George Burns, except instead of being on stage, I was setting off to the side with my pipe, enjoying being laughed at. That’s the fucking secret to marriage… so we got married 9 years into this. I’m leaving a lot of stuff out, important stuff… and that’s another fucking secret to marriage, ha ha.
You may notice that I make a lot of jokes about my wife talking too much, but it’s not a joke. She once swallowed a fly while we were watching TV, and couldn’t talk for a minute. I panic’d and thought I had gone deaf. But, honestly, we work damn well together. She supports me in all of my endeavors, pushing me further and further, and I support her. She doesn’t do stand up… at the moment, because she is handling the business side of what I do. Great woman, and I wouldn’t trade her for any other. But, sometimes I like to introduce pretty young women to her as the next future Mrs. Cosmic, because I know she is just going to roll out another zinger in good fun.
The secret to marriage is… if you expect her to appreciate what you do, you have to appreciate the things she is into. Mrs Cosmic has spent many an hour listening to Brian on the radioshow with me, but in return I have had to pretend to listen to many an hour of crafts podcasts. I admit, she now knows more about tobacco varieties and pipemakers than I know about crochet stiches and bead patterns. But, she can tell I try. She blames my penis for not being able to tell the differences between crochet and knitting. And, I just tell her to stop wrapping my junk up in yarn.
Also, nothing in this world is serious, and I am serious about that. There are two types of people, those who can take a joke, and future basket cases.
Also, another secret is to pick someone who you just absolutely adore… and, if that doesn’t work, just settle for whomever will tolerate your shit… or, a mix of both. Mrs Cosmic will always remain that beautiful redhead that I fell in love with, madly... no matter how old she looks. And, honestly, we’ve never fought a single day. That, I am not sure how to advise you on. Maybe, it’s magic. Maybe it is our humor. We both go through life laughing at everything. Humor is our coping mechanism for sure. And, if you are someone without a sense of humor, and you take yourself seriously, Mrs Cosmic will mercilessly wreak havoc on you.
She also encourages everyone to live in a way that you only regret the things you’ve done, and never the things you didn’t say.
I truly am the luckiest damn man in the world. I'm smoking some 8 year old Red Cake right now, how about you?
When I met Ms Cosmic, she was a diehard tobacco Nazi, because she had lost her father from lung cancer at an early age. I hid that I was a two pack a day smoker as I did everything I could to quit. My daughters were in on the deception, and would cover for me. When she found a pack of cigarettes in my truck, my youngest, 4 years old in Hello Kitty garb, said they were hers. Ms Cosmic was like, “yours?” My daughter said, “fuck yeh, but I just smoke when I’m drinking.”
I knew Ms Cos and I were a match made in heaven when we were attending a BPA meeting at the State House in Montgomery. She was one of the first online retailers for crafts supplies, before Amazon gobbled them all up. The Governor and all these fuddy duddies with stick up their asses setting around, making toasts with water with their little pinkies out. One woman was giving a speech on women entrepreneurs, and made a joke about conservative men marrying liberal women. My Ms Cos blurts out loudly, “The real reason conservative men want liberal women is because they’re way more likely to do anal!” just as water shot out my nose.
Being a single dad of girls, I was way more sensitive to women’s rights and respect for all women. Believe it or not. Ms Cos was more of just an outspoken realist. She was making speeches at these women’s conferences, which made her feel second class. She much preferred hob knobbing with the real business class, so she went into comedy, stand up as just a thing. It’s about the same as politics, except comedians tell the fucking truth. Believe it or not, standing up in front of huge groups is not my thing at all. But, I helped her write her stuff, and I became the butt of her jokes. There’s an art to it. We fell madly in love… actually… NO. More than that, we became best friends with benefits. I was George Burns, except instead of being on stage, I was setting off to the side with my pipe, enjoying being laughed at. That’s the fucking secret to marriage… so we got married 9 years into this. I’m leaving a lot of stuff out, important stuff… and that’s another fucking secret to marriage, ha ha.
You may notice that I make a lot of jokes about my wife talking too much, but it’s not a joke. She once swallowed a fly while we were watching TV, and couldn’t talk for a minute. I panic’d and thought I had gone deaf. But, honestly, we work damn well together. She supports me in all of my endeavors, pushing me further and further, and I support her. She doesn’t do stand up… at the moment, because she is handling the business side of what I do. Great woman, and I wouldn’t trade her for any other. But, sometimes I like to introduce pretty young women to her as the next future Mrs. Cosmic, because I know she is just going to roll out another zinger in good fun.
The secret to marriage is… if you expect her to appreciate what you do, you have to appreciate the things she is into. Mrs Cosmic has spent many an hour listening to Brian on the radioshow with me, but in return I have had to pretend to listen to many an hour of crafts podcasts. I admit, she now knows more about tobacco varieties and pipemakers than I know about crochet stiches and bead patterns. But, she can tell I try. She blames my penis for not being able to tell the differences between crochet and knitting. And, I just tell her to stop wrapping my junk up in yarn.
Also, nothing in this world is serious, and I am serious about that. There are two types of people, those who can take a joke, and future basket cases.
Also, another secret is to pick someone who you just absolutely adore… and, if that doesn’t work, just settle for whomever will tolerate your shit… or, a mix of both. Mrs Cosmic will always remain that beautiful redhead that I fell in love with, madly... no matter how old she looks. And, honestly, we’ve never fought a single day. That, I am not sure how to advise you on. Maybe, it’s magic. Maybe it is our humor. We both go through life laughing at everything. Humor is our coping mechanism for sure. And, if you are someone without a sense of humor, and you take yourself seriously, Mrs Cosmic will mercilessly wreak havoc on you.
She also encourages everyone to live in a way that you only regret the things you’ve done, and never the things you didn’t say.
I truly am the luckiest damn man in the world. I'm smoking some 8 year old Red Cake right now, how about you?
