Absolutes of tobaccoreviews.com

jonesing · May 17, 2010

Like gravity, tax day and everyone's ultimate demise there are certain truths of the universe that are simply absolute. No arguments. No flexibility. They simply are.
The same is apparently true in the world of tobaccoreviews.com.
Here are some I've learned.
1) Every bowl that everyone but me smokes results in a "fine gray ash". Weird. Mine usually end with some brown stuff. If it was a good bowl the brown stuff is fairly dry.
2) It is impossible to review a McClellan blend without the use of the word ketchup.
4) It is equally impossible to discuss blends form either Gawith house without using the term "soapy".
5) Aromatics are always "cloying" and "goopy", unless you're a fan of aromatics in which case you apologetically admit to liking things that taste good.
6)Apparently when others open a tin they are always "greeted" in some way. Never happens to me. But it would be nice sometime. "Hey Jonesing! How are ya man? It's me a ribbon cut blend that smells like latakia!"
7) There is simply nothing even approaching an equivalent to a blend produced by Arthur Dunhill. Really everything else is just rubbish. Rumor has it Mr. Dunhill's bowel movements smelled of lilac and heather.
8) Everyone and I mean everyone, is on a first name basis with Greg Pease, and Craig Tarler.

jayh · May 17, 2010

L...O...freaking L. 10/10.
As a beginner I thought tobacco reviews would be a great repository for learning what, I might like, but with in 2 months I knew most reviews were total junk. At first I was feeling down cause I could never smoke to the bottom of one light everytime and that every bowl wasn't as cool and dry as the last.
I'm also concerned that no tobacco produced after my highschool graduation would ever be worth the 10 bucks it costs. Also if it's a pease blend it's not bad or somethig you just don't prefer...it's really a 4 star blend that just needs age.

igloo · May 17, 2010

9} Dunhill and Peterson never made a bad pipe they are all perfecto .

jonesing · May 18, 2010

YES!
I forgot that both of those.
The Pease thing is hilarious. I'm pretty sure GL Pease could put lawn clippings, alflafa, and a pinch of donkey shit in a tin and people would rave about his "dark genius".
Greg (Hell I'll be on a first name basis too) wrote a blog about a guy who sent him a sample to identify and review. Pease didn't much like it but he was able to identify the basic components. Turned out to be a couple year old Odyssey. Pease didn't like his own blend...after aging! Not to say I don't' like some of his blends. He's an outstanding blender. But the whole idol worship thing is pretty funny sometimes.
And Igloo I totally agree. Marty Pulver says it best. Dunhill and Peterson pipes are simply beyond bad reviews similar to some restaurants that might have avg. food but get 4 stars based just on the name.

shotokun16 · May 18, 2010

lol that is hilarious.

jonesing · May 18, 2010

Sounds liek we agree 100%. I wasn't bagging aros. Actually the opposite. Many of the reviewers would rather admit to sodomizing farm animals than to actually enjoying an aromatic.
I like you enjoy some aromatics. Oh, and I would never admit to barn yard "relations".

admin · May 18, 2010

This is the best thread I have ever read in my life!
You guys have no idea how happy you just made me. LMFAO!
Drinks for everyone on me!
I am off to see Mr. Tarlar in person in just a few. I'll be seeing Mrs. Tarlar and Mr. Chris Tarlar too.
Thank you Mr. Jonesing!

chuckw · May 18, 2010

What! Peterson makes Bad Pipes? Say it ain't so!
Cloying, gloopy aromatics? I just had my first bowl of Peterson's Special Reserve 2010 and enjoyed it. I did not find it overly sweet and it did not leave a glob of dottle in my pipe.
I do agree Dunghill makes bad pipes though.
Duck Chuck!

jonesing · May 18, 2010

Oh yeah. so true.
I've been reading a bunch of balkan blend reviews and i swear every single one says...."This is no Balkan Sobraine"..."while certainly no Balkan Sobraine.." yadda yadda yadda.
Yeah well I bet Balkan Sobraine was no Balkan Supreme either hot shot.
I picture some of these guys sitting at home mourning the advent of the touch tone telephone.
"While clearly lacking the character of the dial telephonic device...this new fangled gizmo....."

python · May 18, 2010

Funny thread, I love it!
Another one to add to the list is;

"I HATE aromatics and I don't smoke them, but for some reason I decided to smoke this one so that I could look all high and mighty with my review and bashing of it. Here is my review of "whatever aro blend". It is horrible and is like a flamethrower in my mouth. After I finished the bowl, my mouth felt like someone had set off napalm in it. I would throw it away, but I am afraid of what it would do to the environment. I wish that there was a way that I could put negative stars, but 1 star is the least that I can give this blend. STAY AWAY! Now I happily return back to my Nectar of the Gods English Blends."
On a side note; I HAVE smoked Balkan Sobranie and while it was a very good and tasty blend, there are quite a lot of blends available today that, IMO, are just as good and quite a few of them even surpass it. It has just acquired some sort of legendary status. I guess that the people who are willing to pay $300+ a tin for it have to justify it to themselves someway.

surfmac211 · May 18, 2010

I'm very happy to see that I'm not an idiot for thinking pretty much all of this lol. I have come to think that some of the reviews that the people didn't even try the blend because they are so far off. I just don't understand why aro's are so frowned upon. Hell I like all types of tobaccos don't say I'm a new pipe smoker just because I enjoy a flavorful bowl occasionally. Might be a rant but I got bashed a bit for writing a review on a aro I liked and a couple thought it was bad lol.

jayh · May 18, 2010

I've never understood the whole aromatics smoke hot argument...so much of it has to do with the smoker. Just chill out. It's a pipe not a milkshake. I've burnt up my mouth as bad with the non-aro's as I have with really moist aros.

hauntedmyst · May 19, 2010

Brilliant observations jonesing! Cloying is hands down to me the most annoying one! I think its one of those Seradism from when he did the P&T reviews that everyone copies. I managed to get through 30 years of pipe smoking without ever thinking of using 'cloying' to describe a blend.

cortezattic · May 19, 2010

Great observations, Rick.

Oh, and let's not forget the reviews that build on the symphony metaphor: Virginias establish a theme; a pianissimo of perique the variations... delicate arpeggios underscored by deep, resonant tones. The coda is ...

brazz · May 19, 2010

Finally I don't feel like a fool for liking Mixture #79. I do like aro's, I do, I do,I do, I do!!!!

pstlpkr · May 19, 2010

At my local B&M, I just stick my nose in the jar.

If it smells nice to me I'll try it.

If it doesn't, I don't.

jcsoldit · May 19, 2010

Hey wait a minute that jcohio person has written a few ok reviews if I do say so myself...LOL!

python · May 19, 2010

Actually, I use the word cloying quite a bit in my reviews. It is the correct word to use when something tastes really sweet and heavy on the taste buds. I use it to describe when a blend is really sweet and the sweetness doesn't lighten up during the smoke and by the end of the smoke your taste buds are just saturated and assaulted by too much of it.
Here are the definitions of the word:

cloy·ing [kloi-ing]

–adjective

1.

causing or tending to cause disgust or aversion through excess: a perfume of cloying sweetness.

2.

overly ingratiating or sentimental.
More:

cloy [kloi]

–verb (used with object)

1.

to weary by an excess of food, sweetness, pleasure, etc.; surfeit; satiate.

–verb (used without object)

2.

to become uninteresting or distasteful through overabundance: A diet of cake and candy soon cloys.
cloy (kloi)

v. cloyed , cloy·ing , cloys
v. tr.

To cause distaste or disgust by supplying with too much of something originally pleasant, especially something rich or sweet; surfeit.

v. intr.

To be too filling, rich, or sweet.

shannonh · May 19, 2010

While I agree in part of the above assessment of tobaccoreviews.com, the real issue is,you never know what the reviewers baseline is. If I don't know that he finds SG XXX Rope sort of mild, and he says, "Irish Flake is mild tobacco for an all day smoke" I will be sorely disappointed with the end result.
Yes there are bandwagon jumpers, and it also seems that, according to most reviewers on that site, GL Pease can do no wrong (although I have yet to try one I like for the cash required). I use it as a baseline setter, and to be sure that something is not absolute crap in a can.

surfmac211 · May 19, 2010

HAHAHA Bob I think I went to the same site just to make sure that I was think of the correct term
Shannonh, for the most part I do the same by If there is a new blend I see what the gist of it is.

Absolutes of tobaccoreviews.com

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