Your Advice, please

[andystewart]

I have a dilemma and I'm curious as to what my friends on the forums think I should do.
As I was growing up in the 1960s and 70s my family spent a lot of time with another family; the parents were school friends of my Mum and Dad. The children are all adults now, but the parents are still friends and see one another fairly regularly. The father of the other family, John, is my brother's Godfather and for many years he made it his duty to be unpleasant to me, putting me down at every opportunity and taking Greg's side whenever possible. So far, so petty. In those days you took what you were given by adults and sucked it up. As we grew up I increasingly just cut John, until at my parents 50th Wedding bash a year ago I was able to show him a cold face, despite them being on our table at the lunch.
However...John is a piper. He has smoked his full bent Petersons (he's Irish) for longer than I've been alive. A combination of the enjoyment I get from our hobby - largely fostered by this site and the members - and a mellowing as I get older pushes me to reach out to John and make amends before he dies. John is in his 80s and so time is limited. I have thought of contacting his wife to find out what John smokes and sending him a peace offering. What do you guys think? Is this appropriate? Is there something else I could/should do? I welcome your thoughts and advice.
Thank you. Andy

 

[oldreddog]

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[andystewart]

Oldreddog posted:
I would think Andy that the above shows the type of person that you have become since childhood. It seems apparent to me that you have the ability to leave the past in the past, sadly many do not.
Do as you suggest, and send John something. If the onset of his own mortality has not mellowed him and he rebuffs your gesture, at least you will know that he has not grown emotionally and still clutches to whatever past venom he had toward you.
In that case you have proven your kindness and lost nothing. On the other hand if John is open to your gesture it may bring him some comfort and perhaps show up his wrong doing to you and perhaps ask himself some questions of his own behavior.
I wish you well whatever you decide to do and admire your compassionate motivations.
David

 

[andystewart]

Klause posted:
Andy, for what its worth, mate, I'd find out what he smokes, or likes, and go have a smoke with him.
People do all sorts of things for all sorts of reasons. And they change as they grow old.
Even if the gent doesn't appreciate what you are doing (I reckon he will, y'know), you will, at least, feel so much better for having done the right thing. The very fact you are considering this tells me this is the thing to do.
Good luck with it.

 

[tuold]

I would do it. Forgiveness and acts of kindness are things that can't be over done. When I go, I would want it to be without grudges or any ill feelings towards anybody. Giving John a chance at that is a wonderful thing and probably increases the square footage of your mansion in heaven too, even if he doesn't respond well.

 

[newbroom]

If you believe in the concept of one, your forgiveness is self serving, and self replenishing.

Buy the old guy some Irish flake and send it to him.

He probably doesn't even know how you feel.

He's done that age old nasty act for so long and he's doing it because of someone in HIS past who showed him how...of pitting one against the other and lording his adultness over children.

If you approach him with a sense of your own dignity and afford him the same and he fails to see you as a man, then, he's too far gone.

 

[brudnod]

Its odd what a man might think when, as he gets older, he is lying in bed just before falling asleep and feels just a very brief chest pain. Nothing big or particularly scary or enough to call the doctor about, but just enough to make him think about his life in larger magnification. John may well have mellowed and just forgotten the condescension he leveled at you or he may have recalled far too well (while feeling those chest pains) and wishes that he had the opportunity to make things right. Break out your favorite blend and your most used looking Pete and see how you two get along now. You might find it a pleasant experience, or not. But you will feel better about yourself in the long run.

 

[huntertrw]

"If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.' If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector."
Jesus Christ, as quoted in The Holy Bible, Book of Matthew, 18:15-17

 

[tbradsim1]

You had the right thing in you as you were posting, Follow your heart.Be the Better Man.

 

[derfargin]

I think it would be good to go in with the truce flag. Make sure you're doing this with open eyes, and understand you may not get a warm welcome. He may have forgotten all of it, or he might be the type of person that holds on to grudges. Either way, it's worth making the effort.

 

[mso489]

The Forums gang is right. For starters, it would make you feel better, no matter how he reacts. At

this point, if he rebuffs you, you can be roundly amused. You aren't a vulnerable kid anymore. You're

big guy pretty certain to outlive this old boy. What might surprise you -- and be ready for anything --

is his response. It could be quite bizarre. He may break down with remorse and apologize more than

you'd care to hear. He may be in total denial and not know he ever treated you badly at all; many people

re-write their life story in a totally delusional way. This could even take the form of his confusing his

treatment of you with his mentoring of your brother, and he may think he was a great supporter and

admirer of yours. Something was very wrong with him when you were a child, to play his godchild off

against you. He was playing out some inequality in treatment with adults when he was growing up. You

had zero to do with it, it was all in his head. If he is rational, and apologizes but doesn't ask you to fix

his broken soul for him, and treats you with some respect and affection, that's the best. I hope for that.

 

[sparrowhawk]

Andy, you're a generous and good hearted person (everyone here, watch for my posting about Andy later today to see what I mean), and I can't imagine you doing anything but try to make a peace offering. It is in your nature, so follow it since it is motivated by good will. My brother and I were never on good terms, but I'm glad we had a pleasant conversation over the phone just a couple of days before he suddenly and unexpectedly died. The fact that we parted on good terms makes me feel good. I think you would probably feel better if you did what you suggested for John. If he can't accept it, well, at least you tried.

 

[numbersix]

Andy, I am impressed with your desire to reach out to this man. Most of us have been mistreated by another. No one hurts another in this way unless they themselves are deeply wounded or unhappy.
He may be too old and too proud to make ammends on his own, but your reaching out may very well be the push he needs. He may even learn a thing or two by the gesture.
Overall, I think Sparks and Bradley sum it up quite well:

My grandfather used to say that gestures like these are usually for our own good more than for the other person

Follow your heart.

 

[grouchydog]

Ten or twenty years from now, which thought will bring you more peace:
"He was a grumpy old b***ard, and I didn't yield an inch!"
Or,

"I did my best to make peace, and he chose to cling to bitterness."
Send the gift - the regret of the first thought is "what might have been", the regret of the second is a few dollars (pounds...).
(edit)Re-reading this, it sounds very negative; that's not the spirit in which I intended it. However, the thought of "what will it matter n years from now" has guided a number of decisions for me, generally for the better.(/edit)

 

[dottiewarden]

Often people aren't even aware of how thier behavior affects another person. Some aren't even conscious enough to care. This experience has clearly caused you deep pain, however that was not necessarily the old gent's intention as we often misinterpret things as a child; we often take things far too personally. As many above have stated, reach out for your peace of mind, but certainly don't ecpect any type of remorse on his part. Show him you have grown up to be the good man you are, nothing more, and let bygones be bygones.

 

[conlejm]

Someone once told me that holding on to resentment, bitterness, grudges etc. is like you drinking a poison and hoping the other person gets sick and dies from it.
I think it speaks volumes about your good character, Andy, that you would offer this kind gesture to John, despite his seemingly bad attitude towards you. Hopefully it is a step towards reconciliation. There is no downside to being nice. I hope it works out for the best for you both.

 

[andystewart]

Gentlemen - and I use that word deliberately - thank you so much for your sound thoughts, advice and kind words. As many of you have said, at a second glance my proposed gesture is not pure altruism; part of the reason for wanting to reach out to John is to get some closure for myself. In answer to @smorgdonkey, John did try to start a conversation with me at the anniversary celebration, but I brushed him off. That is not the man I want to be. I think it likely that John doesn't realise the lasting memories his treatment created and it's up to me to reach out to him. The object is not to rake over old coals, but to build a bridge over them. I'll find out what John smokes and send him some with my best wishes - we'll see what happens then. Thanks again guys!
Andy

 

[escioe]

The potential upside is a better understanding with someone you've known your whole life. The potential downside is that you'll be out like $30. Seems pretty simple to me.

 

[warren]

I suspect, deep inside, you know what the right thing is to do. If you feel the need to re-establish a relationship, give it a shot. Little risk and maybe much to gain.
The pipe is irrelevant to the situation. You both enjoying the pipe could be a convenient door opener though, if you are looking to change your relationship with him.
If you want the answer to why you were treated in such a manner years ago, leave it alone. You have referenced nothing that you should make amends for.
Were you me, I'd leave the old guy alone. As you are not me, follow your heart and conscience. Good luck to you!

 

[wyfbane]

Well in my younger years, I would have taken a syringe and shot up all the tomatoes in his garden with urine... But that is a story for a different time...
I think you are spot on in your desire to offer the olive branch, or in this case tobacco leaf. I also agree you should reach out verbally first to test the waters. If he is still a jerk, send him the leaf. If he is open to meeting up, then meet up and hand him the leaf.
Either way you will have closure for yourself and the cosmos, which is a big deal.
Peace