The (Un)Official Secret Santa 2019!
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That crank handle is not going too far. And, my, what a skinny turkey! But Santa will be here in 6 weeks.
“Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.” – Victor Borge
“Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.” – Dave Barry
“This holiday season, no matter what your religion is, please take a moment to reflect on why it’s better than all the other ones.” – Guy Endore Kaiser
“The principal advantage of the non-parental lifestyle is that on Christmas Eve you need not be struck dumb by the three most terrifying words that the government allows to be printed on any product: “Some assembly required.”” – John Leo
“Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.” – Kin Hubbard
“I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange.” – Henny Youngman
“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.” – Shirley Temple
“Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas. You know, the birth of Santa?” – Matt Groening
“Let me see if I’ve got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn’t laundering illegal drug money?” – Tom Armstrong
“Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it.” – Richard Lamm
“The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.” – Joan Rivers
“I bought my brother some gift wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.” – Steven Wright
“Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.” – Author Unknown
“He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree.” – Roy L. Smith
“The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.” – Jay Leno
“This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.” – Anthony Jeselnik
“Christmas: it’s the only religious holiday that’s also a federal holiday. That way, Christians can go to their services, and everyone else can sit at home and reflect on the true meaning of the separation of church and state.” – Samantha Bee
“People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.”
“My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we’re having a change. We’re going to let her in.” – Leslie “Les” Dawson, Jr.
“I hate Christmas. The mall is full of nothing but women and children. All you hear is, ‘I want this,’ ‘Get me this,’ ‘I have to have this’… and then there’s the children. And they’re all by my store ’cause they stuck the mall Santa right outside ringing his stupid bell. As if you need a bell to notice a 300-pound alcoholic in a red suit. ‘Ho, ho, ho,’ all day long. So, nice as can be, I go outside, ask him to shut the hell up. He takes a swing at me. So I lay a hook into his fat belly and he goes down. Beard comes off, all the kids start crying and I’m the bad guy.” – Al Bundy in Married With Children
“Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.” – Dave Barry
“This holiday season, no matter what your religion is, please take a moment to reflect on why it’s better than all the other ones.” – Guy Endore Kaiser
“The principal advantage of the non-parental lifestyle is that on Christmas Eve you need not be struck dumb by the three most terrifying words that the government allows to be printed on any product: “Some assembly required.”” – John Leo
“Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.” – Kin Hubbard
“I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange.” – Henny Youngman
“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.” – Shirley Temple
“Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas. You know, the birth of Santa?” – Matt Groening
“Let me see if I’ve got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn’t laundering illegal drug money?” – Tom Armstrong
“Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it.” – Richard Lamm
“The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.” – Joan Rivers
“I bought my brother some gift wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.” – Steven Wright
“Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.” – Author Unknown
“He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree.” – Roy L. Smith
“The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.” – Jay Leno
“This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.” – Anthony Jeselnik
“Christmas: it’s the only religious holiday that’s also a federal holiday. That way, Christians can go to their services, and everyone else can sit at home and reflect on the true meaning of the separation of church and state.” – Samantha Bee
“People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.”
“My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we’re having a change. We’re going to let her in.” – Leslie “Les” Dawson, Jr.
“I hate Christmas. The mall is full of nothing but women and children. All you hear is, ‘I want this,’ ‘Get me this,’ ‘I have to have this’… and then there’s the children. And they’re all by my store ’cause they stuck the mall Santa right outside ringing his stupid bell. As if you need a bell to notice a 300-pound alcoholic in a red suit. ‘Ho, ho, ho,’ all day long. So, nice as can be, I go outside, ask him to shut the hell up. He takes a swing at me. So I lay a hook into his fat belly and he goes down. Beard comes off, all the kids start crying and I’m the bad guy.” – Al Bundy in Married With Children
The famed Rockefeller Center Christmas tree has been hoisted into place, ushering in the unofficial start of the holiday season in New York City.
The 14-ton Norway spruce finished its 60-mile journey from Orange County on Friday night when it arrived at Rockefeller Plaza.
The tree comes from the home of Carol Schultz, who planted the sapling in her front yard in Florida, New York, back in 1959.
The 14-ton Norway spruce finished its 60-mile journey from Orange County on Friday night when it arrived at Rockefeller Plaza.
The tree comes from the home of Carol Schultz, who planted the sapling in her front yard in Florida, New York, back in 1959.
She found out they were actually using a chainsaw so she stepped aside...
Actually she didn't. That's why the tree is green and red this year. Christmas colors, after all.
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