The Prospect Of Parenthood.

[joeval]

I don't post here too often (but, getting better!). I don't know if I'm looking for help, advice, or (more likely) just a place to vent.
So, my girlfriend is pregnant. Definitely mine, and most certainly unplanned! I'm probably going to be a dad in about six or seven months. We've spent the last week or so, since we found out, talking about it, whether to keep it or not, and decided (although it's not a great time for it), to keep the kid.

I'm 24 and she's 22, so both pretty young for this sort of thing. She lives with her parents at the moment, about thirty odd miles away, which is less than ideal.

Her parents know, and didn't react too badly to the news. My mum has gone ballistic, and by the sound of things so far, doesn't want anything to do with it - which is probably the hardest part right now.
The plan - such as it is - is to find a cheap (ish) house to rent close to where she lives now when my tenancy runs out. Close to her parents, at least, so she has some support when the kid comes. I work offshore, so I'm away half the year or so - again, not ideal!
Luckily, I suppose, she's fairly used to kids, and had a large hand in raising her niece. So, a newborn won't be such a surprise for her. Me? I'm shitting bricks about the whole thing!
So, a bit of a vent, more than anything else. Any advice from parents on here?

 

[pylorns]

While I'm older by about 10 years I think the shock of my wife telling me she was pregnant was probably about the same. What I can say is that it changes your life totally and not in a bad way. If I had my choice I would have prob. had a child when I was younger but then again I wasn't married back then either.
My only advice would be - try to be there as a father. So much so these days - dad's would rather be out playing video games, hunting, and not being a role model for their children. Having a child is selfless. You have to put all the things you would love to do aside and decide that giving your child a good childhood is more important than that game, tin of tobacco, or new pipe you'd love to buy.

 

[mso489]

Somehow, with no strong conviction on the subject, I ended up a non-parent, so that disclaimer first.

"You no playa the game, you no maka the rules." However, you sound like a hard-working son-of-a-gun

who would make a good dad. In my opinion, few if any are ever ready for this, so it is always life-changing

and upsetting to a degree. It is a tough assignment to take on being a husband (if that's your plan) and a

dad all at once, while working off-shore. On the other hand, once said bambino arrives and looks you in

the eyes, and falls asleep in your arms, the idea of NOT having a kid may strike you as the cruelest

deprivation. Granted, this is one hell of an assignment. Age-wise, I know you feel like you are way young,

but that is only in very recent history. In the long history of human life, 24 and 22 were fairly advanced ages

to start a family; your families would have been getting very restless for you to get started. Also, you'll need

every bit of that youth to keep up with a toddler who has just gone mobile. Running is an important function

of parenthood. Okay, so there's best advice from a non-dad. Oh, and be there when your girlfriend has the

baby. This bonds everybody. You want to hold the kid as soon as possible.

 

[voorhees]

I will offer this. Make the best of it, coming from someone who has no children, I wished I had had the opportunity to have children even if it had been unplanned. I was always to careful and waited. Sometimes that's not a good thing.

Be sure to include your mother, she will come around once she sees that baby.
Good luck to you.

 

[cmdrmcbragg]

I hear ya, brother, it is a game changer for sure. I'm 28 and was 26 when I had MY first kid. My girlfriend (who has a 10 y/o son) has done this all before, but whether it was my "get shit done" attitude or just general lack of ineptitude, I found being the dad of a newborn wasn't too difficult. My parents were not happy about the news of the pregnancy, but they got over it and love their granddaughter (the first one). You seem to be better set up for supporting your kid working offshore (I'm assuming oil) and being a responsible parents doesn't always mean that you get or have to be around all the time. You won't be the first or last parent to be gone frequently supporting the family. Take care of you work and it will take care of your family. On another note, don't marry this woman just because you are having a kid. If you do, do it because YOU love her and she LOVES you. Getting married because of a kid is a well known and documented story with a negative statistical slope.
As for your smoking -since this is a smoking forum- it'll be more difficult to do until they get older and can do more things for themselves. My 2 y/o is becoming more self sufficient everyday. I don't have to worry about her too much if I want to go and have a 40 min smoke. I set her up with some snacks, she has her toys and she can entertain herself pretty well now without a ton of direct observation.
Congrats and welcome to the party.

 

[pitchfork]

You're shitting bricks at the moment, but congratulations! I had my first at 25. 24 and 22 isn't all that young, really. You'll be fine. Kids are work, but they bring so much joy and fulfillment.
If I can offer some unsolicited advice, take charge of everything, NOW. Don't let the grandparents get too used to making the decisions. Sure, accept help when you need it, but don't lean on them too much.
Above all, a great adventure awaits you and your girlfriend. Think of it as a wonderful, new beginning in your lives and it will make everything much easier.

 

[puffy]

I think that once you mother sees the baby she will fall in love with it..There's a fine line between the responsibilites of being a father and a best buddy.If you do it just right your with kid you will be both.One last point..Kids are smart.They know if you live what you teach.This can be the greatest thing in your life..Love is the key.

 

[numbersix]

joeval, often in life when things look bad, they are actually a blessing in disguise. About 13 years ago my wife decided she wanted a baby. This after we had both decided that we weren't going to have kids. Long story short, she "won" that battle (tho we both felt adoption was the route we'd take).
Anyway, at the time I felt like I was being forced into a situation I didn't really want to be in and now I wouldn't trade places with anyone. My (now, two) girls are the greatest blessing I could have asked for.
I guarantee that you will love your baby more than anything and he/she will bring you joy that you've never felt before. So buck up - I know things aren't as ideal as you'd like and you are both going to have to grow up quickly, but things have a way of working themselves out.
My two beautiful daughters (you have a lot to look forward too, trust me).

 

[murf]

We had our first at 23. He's 2 now. We just got married over the summer. I knew I wanted to marry her before she was pregnant. Our son didn't change anything it that regard.
My situation was about the same as yours. And loads of good advice on here already.
Here's what I got:
-Don't let the grandparents dictate. My in-laws (mostly father) tried to do this with me. Stand up for yourself, but be respectful. And if you do get married, you're marrying HER, not her family!
-Do what's best for the 3 of you, and not what everyone else will suggest.
-Your parents will come around eventually. Mine did. They absolutely adore their grandson.
-Be there for the birth. It's important.
-Try to give the mother of your child a "break" once in awhile. Help with housework, cook dinner, do whatever you can to make her life easier. Put forth the effort and it will be beneficial to everyone involved.
-Quality time with your child will never be regretted or a mistake. It's easy to get caught up in tv, internet, whatever. Hit the power button.
-Date nights are important. It's easy to shift the focus onto the child, when the relationship you have with your girlfriend needs focus too.
-Take it easy on the PAD and TAD. You have a long time to collect pipes and try different kinds of tobaccos. Budget accordingly.
-Enjoy a smoke when you can, but recognize when it's appropriate. It's more valuable to spend time with family than it is to spend time with tobacco and briar (clay/cob/meerschaum). But personal time is important too. Find a balance.
-If you think something needs to change (ie. you're home for awhile, but might be spending too much time with her parents/family), speak up! It's important for your little family to have its own time. Grandparents that live too close might take this as an open invitation. Fortuantely (and unfortunately), we live far away from both sets of grandparents, so we can easily avoid this. My in-laws have yet to visit us (which doesn't bother me!) because they still have kids in school. And we've decided not to travel for Thanksgiving or Christmas. Time for our young family to start its own traditions.
A little longwinded, but I hope it helps. I'm still learning, everyday. Good luck, and congratulations! Becoming a father (even by accident) is probably the best thing I've ever done.

 

[sfsteves]

I was far less than enthusiastic when we had our first and hadn't exactly warmed up to the idea by the time the third arrived, 4 days after his oldest brother turned 3 (a group of that sort is called Irish Triplets by some). Then, shortly after the third one was 7, we learned we were expecting a fourth ... not what we'd planned by any stretch of the imagination ... challenging at times and a lot of work nearly all the time, we worked as best we could at being good parents ... babies don't come with instruction manuals and being a parent is something you can learn only by doing ... soccer, basketball, baseball, musical instruments, academic challenges, all added up to a full slate for quite a few years ...
All four are adults now, 3 of them are parents themselves ... we've got some grandkids and are getting used to that change in our lives ...
Bottom line is this ... my kids are my greatest joy in life ... they are damn fine citizens and are my greatest accomplishment ... we didn't plan them, they just happened, but if I had it to do over, I wouldn't change a thing ... my best wish for you is that your experience will be like mine has been.

 

[jeepnewbie]

Well I will admit I kinda got upset when you wrote you guys were deciding whether the keep the child or not. I always say if your gonna play ball man up and deal with everything that comes with it (certain cases can change my mind on it if your not able to provide a life for the child).
I'm glad your moving forward and going to make a life for your little one. I had my first child with my wife when we were 23. Having a child isn't a bad thing I have two, and we had lost one right after birth. I would give my life to ensure they could live to grow old and have their own little ones. They have truly changed who I use to be, and the way I sometimes saw the world. They remind me of what it was to be young and enjoy running around playing outside. Here's a pic of us while I took a break from some bush trimming. Hope you have as much fun as a parent as we have, and remember life is a adventure. Children are not a burden ever, they are wonderful gifts that are given to us.
As far as grandparents they either get use to it or don't have anything to do with their grand kids. My dad hasn't seen my daughter in years, never knew about the one we lost, or even met our youngest one. Don't let them dictate like others have said, this is your guys life choice not theirs. My wifes parents have been wonderful to me and we are from the south and being interracial couple can been quite different.

 

[jeepnewbie]

I forgot to mention while your off shore for 6 months or however long you are gone coming home will be a huge change. Things are going to be hard at those points and your life is on pause and theirs on fast forward. I'm military and have been gone TDY or Deployed up to a year at times. When you come home take things easy while you reintegrate into to each others life. I myself can't really deal with a lot of noise at one time, and being in crowded stores really drives me nuts at the moment. If you have any questions PM me I'll try to give you any tips I can, if I don't know I'll tell you so.
Always remember never get marriage advice from someone who has been divorce. :lol:

 

[tbradsim1]

Well do it. I had one rule no one leaves the house, you get mad go to another room, you leave the house don't come back, it's been 50 yrs since we got married. Your Mother will take that Baby and love it, believe me. You'll be gone for a while working, nowadays communication is readily avialable, communicate, no pouting, you get mad tell her why . When they place that Baby in your arms you will be transformed, it's not only you that you are responsible for but a helpless child. Listening to your thread you're pointed in the right direction, make a choice and stick with it, no wobbling, the world is full of wobblers and you don't sound like one.

 

[jeepnewbie]

+1 to The Old Cajun.

 

[buster]

Congrats! Once you see that little face and hold her/he you will get what it's all about. You will do fine. I never changed a diaper in my life. Was hands off with kids until I had my first. Now I am all about my two boys. Life gets a bit hectic at times but I would not trade it for anything.

 

[cortezattic]

My mum has gone ballistic, and by the sound of things so far, doesn't want anything to do with it - which is probably the hardest part right now.

Without passing judgement, please consider the possibility that mum cannot yet accept the fact that she is a grand-mum.

That's her baggage, not yours.

 

[drwatson]

+1 to the cajun!
joeval, trust me there is never a "perfect time" to have kids. Something could always be done,or you could be alittle older.But CONGRATES!! to the both of you. You will be suprised how the little one will become the most important thing in your life, and the little guy or girl will soon become your best friend!

 

[flmason]

Congratulations. A child is a gift. Enjoy the opportunity to be a parent.

 

[vigil]

I think I come with a slightly unique perspective here.. I became a dad for the first time at age 43, then again at 46.... Here's what I've learned...
Work, is just work. It's what I do for money. Screw the damned ladder, I'll build myself an elevator for myself so I can have more time with my family.
Patience.... I am so thankful that I was a little older, and a lot more patient. Nothing is a crisis, and nothing needs to wait, either. Just you two use your good judgement and everything will work out in the end.
Mom's have it tougher than the Dads... Man up and help out with everything you can. She'll appreciate it, and over time, you'll appreciate her more too.
Gathering opinions is a good thing. Following what others think you two should do just to keep them happy is NEVER a good thing. Gather opinion, fact, etc. and you and her work out every decision together. Some things she and you will need to do on your own. Most things, you'll decide together. As long as it's your two's decision, it's right. If you try to appease a family member, etc. by "going along", it's almost never good.
Congratulations! I know your crapping masonary products right now. It's okay, we all did.

 

[teufelhund]

I'd like to offer congratulations as well, best advice I can offer you find someone you know with a baby and take care of them for a few hoursor even a day. (New parents will appreciate the break)It helps to know that you won't be completely horrible at it and they are fairly durable. :lol: Not to mention an inkling of how much fun you'll have the first few years. One way or another you'll figure it out; it just happens. Godspeed.