In NYC this year we have been quite lucky with the weather. A very pleasant summer that was neither too hot nor too cold has been followed by a delightfully warm autumn with temperatures soaring into the 70s on most days. Finally this week I was struck down by the 'bug' of the season caused by idiots sneezing on the train and not covering their noses or worse still into their hands which then get wiped on every surface of the subway rendering hands a rather natty biological weapon. Normally I tend to get through this phase of the year due to the fact I always get my flu jab as soon as it becomes available which some odd reason seems to mitigate the autumn coughs and sneezes. Normally I wait till after Christmas to get my standard chest infection. I am sure you know the ones I am talking about. They start in early January with a hacking cough the results in you becoming your very own medical experiment and then don't disappear until the first week of spring. Last year one of my wives friends wanted to visit New York and naturally I was immediately volunteered to provide sustenance and shelter to this ghastly specimen of humanity. When Sarah comes to NYC you can tell she is on the plane as the whining continues after the engines have been switched off!
Anyway this amazingly frumpy old bag lady pitches up on my door step. So I get her settled in and giver the spare set of keys and go off out to meet my friend Andre. I return not an hour later to my home awash with cheap cigarette smoke in the form Pall Mall cigarettes - you know the motto on the pack 'Where certain retards congregate' and worse still the bag person curled up on my sofa in a fetal position. After asking the said bag person what was wrong with her she bleated 'I don't feel well!' which resulted in a huge out pouring of sympathy from me along the lines 'Why the f*ck did come here then and bring nasty germs with you?' this was followed up by the bag lady saying in a very annoying whiny voice something about not wanting to miss her holiday. I immediately decided that relocation was in her immediate future and took her one of those very cheap and seedy hotels that rent rooms by the hour and the area is so bad even hookers are having a sale. Sure enough five days later I went down with the 'bug' from hell. My friend Andre suggested I could clear my nose by sniffing a few salt crystals. I dutifully made two very fat lines of salt and was just sniffing the second through a rolled up $100 bill when my housekeeper walked in and wondered what the hell I was doing. It really didn't do much for my sinuses but it produced some snot with the same characteristics of a USPS rubber band which I am sure Willy Wonka would have found an application for at his factory.
After three days I usually get fed up and visit my Doctor around the corner from me. My Doctor has a German last name and very heavy accent. I have often wanted to ask him what he did during the war of 1939-45 but since he writes me prescriptions with little hassle and always gives me a pint of my favorite codeine based cough mixture I have always felt that its probably better to let him slide on the 'war crimes' issue. Anyway in view of this latest bug I thought I would make an appointment for today and get one looked at by the good 'Herr Doctor' before it becomes a whole of winter deal. So folks the moral here is get your flu jabs, drink lots of scotch and smoke your pipe and avoid all forms of human interaction until April 5th.
Anyway this amazingly frumpy old bag lady pitches up on my door step. So I get her settled in and giver the spare set of keys and go off out to meet my friend Andre. I return not an hour later to my home awash with cheap cigarette smoke in the form Pall Mall cigarettes - you know the motto on the pack 'Where certain retards congregate' and worse still the bag person curled up on my sofa in a fetal position. After asking the said bag person what was wrong with her she bleated 'I don't feel well!' which resulted in a huge out pouring of sympathy from me along the lines 'Why the f*ck did come here then and bring nasty germs with you?' this was followed up by the bag lady saying in a very annoying whiny voice something about not wanting to miss her holiday. I immediately decided that relocation was in her immediate future and took her one of those very cheap and seedy hotels that rent rooms by the hour and the area is so bad even hookers are having a sale. Sure enough five days later I went down with the 'bug' from hell. My friend Andre suggested I could clear my nose by sniffing a few salt crystals. I dutifully made two very fat lines of salt and was just sniffing the second through a rolled up $100 bill when my housekeeper walked in and wondered what the hell I was doing. It really didn't do much for my sinuses but it produced some snot with the same characteristics of a USPS rubber band which I am sure Willy Wonka would have found an application for at his factory.
After three days I usually get fed up and visit my Doctor around the corner from me. My Doctor has a German last name and very heavy accent. I have often wanted to ask him what he did during the war of 1939-45 but since he writes me prescriptions with little hassle and always gives me a pint of my favorite codeine based cough mixture I have always felt that its probably better to let him slide on the 'war crimes' issue. Anyway in view of this latest bug I thought I would make an appointment for today and get one looked at by the good 'Herr Doctor' before it becomes a whole of winter deal. So folks the moral here is get your flu jabs, drink lots of scotch and smoke your pipe and avoid all forms of human interaction until April 5th.
