Well, it's been awhile since I've posted, but I've got a little rant about Sao Paulo International airport. Having travelled on planes throughout South America, North America and Europe with my IM Corona Old Boy, I don't attempt to hide this perfectly legal lighter.
Airport screening pulled me aside and told me I couldn't take it on the plane. "Show me in writing where it says I can't have this." That's all you have to say to rise the sleeping dragon of airport officialdom in Brazil. They don't like gringos giving them the gears, but knowing it was legal, I decided to stand my ground. My wife and son next to me, the guy looks at me and says firmly, "No." "No? No, I want to see it in writing. Show it to me and you can have my lighter. It's simple."
Then the line nobody wants to hear, "Ok sir, come with me." Knowing I'd done nothing wrong, I covertly slipped the lighter to my wife. Now that I was in the special blacked out room with rubber gloves a plenty, this son of a bitch came literally nose to nose with me and says in bad English "Where is it?" "Where is what?" "One more time. Where is it?" "I don't know what you're talking about." This was the only way I could tell him what I was really thinking, which is to fuck off.
You can see where this goes...
Fully searched, the last thing he can do is re-scan my boots in the x-ray machine. Feeling a little cheeky, I called out to him "Bring me back the paper where it says that lighter is illegal." He turned and tried his best action hero glare on me and I knew I was fucked.
In the meantime, my wife slipped back out of customs and gave my lighter to a passerby, saying it was a gift to them. NoooOOoooOOooooo!
Some gift! Dejected, searched, and without my lighter for good, I collected my stuff and went through customs. Who's running after me, yelling for the police? Action hero Guido to save the day! The police came out and he demanded that they strip search all of us, including my 3 year old son!
The nerve of this son of a bitch! Luckily the cop was educated, took one look at us and said he was not going to be searching anyone. We were allowed through customs and on to the plane with action hero Guido telling the cop that he was going to take full responsibility for letting us through.
All over a perfectly legal lighter, spelled out on their own web page (that I was not allowed to access while in the confines of action hero) and set in electronic stone.
I'm now in Germany, delayed because the baggage of the flight is undergoing "extra screening". I'm not sure if it's connected, but I have a hunch that action hero Guido had somehow tipped off the authorities that some troublemaker is trying to smuggle something small, black, and suspiciously lighter like.
So, for anyone going to Brazil for the Olympics or any other events they'll be soon hosting. Or even if you want to sit on the beach and drink a cool coconut... don't forget to give this bastard my kind regards. It was all I could do not to kick him in the balls, and only the threat of being tossed in a Sao Paulo prison kept his cherries from being pummelled black and blue.
As a friend once told me, they might win. We might all become oppressed and slapped around by the heavy hand of authority, but they have got to see that not all of us are going to go quietly. Some of us are going to have a little backbone and push back.
My only regret is that my wife slipped out on the sly and passed the legal contraband off to a stranger. Having only 30 minutes to catch the flight, I understand, but man... that was a nice lighter.
Airport screening pulled me aside and told me I couldn't take it on the plane. "Show me in writing where it says I can't have this." That's all you have to say to rise the sleeping dragon of airport officialdom in Brazil. They don't like gringos giving them the gears, but knowing it was legal, I decided to stand my ground. My wife and son next to me, the guy looks at me and says firmly, "No." "No? No, I want to see it in writing. Show it to me and you can have my lighter. It's simple."
Then the line nobody wants to hear, "Ok sir, come with me." Knowing I'd done nothing wrong, I covertly slipped the lighter to my wife. Now that I was in the special blacked out room with rubber gloves a plenty, this son of a bitch came literally nose to nose with me and says in bad English "Where is it?" "Where is what?" "One more time. Where is it?" "I don't know what you're talking about." This was the only way I could tell him what I was really thinking, which is to fuck off.
You can see where this goes...
Fully searched, the last thing he can do is re-scan my boots in the x-ray machine. Feeling a little cheeky, I called out to him "Bring me back the paper where it says that lighter is illegal." He turned and tried his best action hero glare on me and I knew I was fucked.
In the meantime, my wife slipped back out of customs and gave my lighter to a passerby, saying it was a gift to them. NoooOOoooOOooooo!
Some gift! Dejected, searched, and without my lighter for good, I collected my stuff and went through customs. Who's running after me, yelling for the police? Action hero Guido to save the day! The police came out and he demanded that they strip search all of us, including my 3 year old son!
The nerve of this son of a bitch! Luckily the cop was educated, took one look at us and said he was not going to be searching anyone. We were allowed through customs and on to the plane with action hero Guido telling the cop that he was going to take full responsibility for letting us through.
All over a perfectly legal lighter, spelled out on their own web page (that I was not allowed to access while in the confines of action hero) and set in electronic stone.
I'm now in Germany, delayed because the baggage of the flight is undergoing "extra screening". I'm not sure if it's connected, but I have a hunch that action hero Guido had somehow tipped off the authorities that some troublemaker is trying to smuggle something small, black, and suspiciously lighter like.
So, for anyone going to Brazil for the Olympics or any other events they'll be soon hosting. Or even if you want to sit on the beach and drink a cool coconut... don't forget to give this bastard my kind regards. It was all I could do not to kick him in the balls, and only the threat of being tossed in a Sao Paulo prison kept his cherries from being pummelled black and blue.
As a friend once told me, they might win. We might all become oppressed and slapped around by the heavy hand of authority, but they have got to see that not all of us are going to go quietly. Some of us are going to have a little backbone and push back.
My only regret is that my wife slipped out on the sly and passed the legal contraband off to a stranger. Having only 30 minutes to catch the flight, I understand, but man... that was a nice lighter.