Some of these guys have me in tears. How ‘bout this 2011 Gem for SWR Regular.
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"Comes meus fuit illo miserrimo tempo"... Or in my native English "It was my companion at that most miserable time." This is what my tobacco was to me.
'Twas many years after my escapades in the Americas, what I hath considered to be the prime of mine own life, that I was sitting in my prison tower, awaiting execution. It wasn't the first time I had been in prison. My first imprisonment came shortly after I broke off my relations with Queen Elizabeth for one of her hand maidens. This enraged the Queen, my backing out of our love affair. I wanted someone new, young and fresh. In the end, I spent the fair Queen for all she was worth in the Bedroom; the woman was experienced, I shall commend her to that. Quite naughty was our affair; many times she wouldsts pleasure me in most the inopportune of places, such as at the royal Banquets. Often during those banquets she would commence to pleasure me beneath the dinner table by giving to me a handeth jobbeth amidst the meal and conversation. The Queen's methods were quite clever in nature, often she would take a pat of butter or grease from a turkey leg in place of lubricant in order to "do her Majesty's work". I would maintain my composure through out, not a one at the dinner parties wouldst be aware of what was occurring beneath the tablecloth, for even at my moment of climax, my face was as solemn as a sailor. She took thrill in the possibility of being caught. Many times I wouldst receive a reacheth aroundeth, or she wouldst ride me as if I were a noble steed. But however pleasurable she may have been, nothing could make up for that foul face which she bore. And her hand maiden was privy to all the same tricks as the Queen, and more refined and well developed tricks of a younger generation. I shouldst mention also that the youth of the bonny lass contributed to the dexterity of her hands and fingers. She was also able to rolleth her tongue. Consequently the Queen, in a Jealous rage, threw us into prison. We stayed there until the Queen needed me to embark on expeditions to the Americas. This only gave me more free time to explore the maiden's "Golden City."
That 'twas the first time. On this second occasion I am accused of espionage, which may or may not be truth. As I sat there I sought back in mine own mind to the prime days. Days when I explored for the city of Gold, and found only jungle and women whom wouldst pleasure me to the extent of which I felt as if I had turned to gold! I think back to the disaster days of Roanoke, that glorious debacle. I lighteth my pipe of tobacco one last time, to enjoy my old friend before death is dealt my way.
I take my last puff of smoke as the guards come take me away to have my head severed. No matter, I hath shared a bed with more women that one couldst count; my life 'tis complete. I am guided to the city square where many hath gathered to watch the Great Sir Walter Raleigh be executed. I look into the executioners eyes as I kneel down before the chopping block. I request to see the blade that will take my life. 'Twas a good blade, indeed. To the executioner I say "Let us dispatch, At this hour my ague comes upon me. I would not have my enemies think I quaked from fear" I lay my head on the block, ready for the death dealing blow of the ax, as I cry out "STRIKE MAN, STRIKE, as I did to thine mother last night!" In blind rage, executioner swings his axe. Darkness.”
