Pipe Smoking, Relationships, and Compromise

[lukasstrifeson]

2024 was a pretty good year for me personally. After an extended period of being single and "working on my career" I've finally found a little old lady who can tolerate a majority of my vices.

However, she is not a fan of the pipe smoking (or smoking in general really). She's not said anything to me directly on the subject but I can see that it bugs her and in truth I've traded off some of the time I would've spent smoking and reading to spend with her.

Things are actually developing so well that I think after 2 years of "dating" (with the last year being much more serious), we'll probably look to move in together sometime this year.

In anticipation of this, I have two questions for the group:

If you've been in a similar situation, how did you approach arriving at a compromise?

(For now, I'm smoking a lot more out on the golf course with the boys and less at home/with the lady.)

Secondly, if you had to reduce your cellar and/or pipe collection, how would you go about it?

- - -

A couple of years ago, I toyed with the idea of reducing my pipe collection down to a single 7-day rotation. That kind of failed miserably. But in reality, I only smoke about 3/4 of my more popular pipes and the rent are kind of just a greedy power trip over the desire to own a pipe.

I don't know, a mad man's ramble maybe, but I'd love to hear from the other nutters here.

- - -

Thanks for reading and here are two of my pipes that'll NEVER leave the collection or rotation for your viewing pleasure.

 

[dd57chevy]

I don't know your location/climate , but a dedicated den/smoking room solves a myriad of problems .

 

[TheIronMonkey]

I know space may be at a premium where you are, but is it possible to find a place together with an outdoor space, or set up a room/office where you can vent the smoke out? I recall @monty55 came up with a great window venting system because his daughter couldn’t tolerate the smell of his smoke. I don’t smoke in our Brooklyn apartment—our cat-free room is too small and stinks too much if I smoke in it—I tried smoking there, and the room became too stale with smoke for me to ever consider continuing. Pipe smoking is relegated to Pennsylvania (I’m very lucky that Susan finds my pipe smoking indoors fine, but the line gets drawn when it comes to cigars; they’re only on the porch and during walks outside).

Maybe you can store most of the pipes in 18 count sunglasses cases that can be closed up and stacked and put out of the way? You might regret parting with your pipes. I hope your relationship lasts, but what if it doesn’t? Will the pared down collection be a regret? Food for thought. Best of luck!

P.S. We should still meet up in the city at some point.

 

[telescopes]

I concur that having a dedicated place outdoors to smoke is helpful. Living with someone who requires either actively or passively for someone to quit pipesmoking would be a deal breaker. It is a slippery smoke- I mean slope. Stree relief and the life distractions that come with this “vice” are minor compared to whatever other passive requests you might be required to make later. I would suggests clarifying all of this before you take too many more steps forward. Just my two cents.

 

[cachimbosergipano]

2024 was a pretty good year for me personally. After an extended period of being single and "working on my career" I've finally found a little old lady who can tolerate a majority of my vices.

However, she is not a fan of the pipe smoking (or smoking in general really). She's not said anything to me directly on the subject but I can see that it bugs her and in truth I've traded off some of the time I would've spent smoking and reading to spend with her.

Things are actually developing so well that I think after 2 years of "dating" (with the last year being much more serious), we'll probably look to move in together sometime this year.

We have a similar situation at home. My wife hates smoke, and we have two kids under 3, so I can only smoke on the balcony. I live in an apartment, so I don’t have a yard or outdoor space to smoke. It’s the balcony or the street.

At first, when I finished smoking, she didn’t even want to get close to me until I took a shower to get rid of the smell. Over time, she got used to it, and nowadays she doesn’t even mind if I leave the balcony door slightly open to let some air in. But all of this was possible because we’ve always had a really good, easygoing relationship. Little by little, my “flaw” of smoking became a lot less of an issue for her thanks to the great bond we’ve built.

P.S.: nice pic of Ronaldo

 

[daveinlax]

If it’s your house I would politely ask her to step outside when you’re smoking. If it’s her place you’ll be the one stepping out.

 

[geoffreybeene]

Having a direct discussion about it can be useful. She should understand how important the hobby is to you. She can voice her concerns and you can listen and compromise as needed. I smoke outside as much as I can but if its raining or freezing my wife understands if I sit mostly inside the fire escape window. She doesn't like if I smoke with the windows closed and if the place reeks like smoke when she gets home - and I can respect that.

 

[Horrible Gelatinous Blob]

I was a pipe smoker when I first met my wife and she hated it when she moved in with me. Over time we learned about the things we can or cannot budge on. I made it clear early on that pipe smoking was something that was here to stay and she eventually got used to it. The only concessions I've made are storing pipes and tobacco in such a way that she can't smell it in our bedroom.

If she's good to you, she'll accept it and you won't have to reduce anything. You might have to compromise on smell issues though.

 

[jaingorenard]

Similar for me to what the others have said above. Initially, I smoked more outside (but we were in a tiny flat and it was impossible to separate a space off to smoke anyway). Then later in a different place I was able to occasionally smoke in the kitchen (less soft furnishings for it to cling to). Now in our new place, I have the attic room as my office and I'm able to smoke up there happily. She still doesn't like a really smoky room, but she has occasionally even accompanied me to smoking lounges. It's all about good communication and respecting each other. She knows tobacco is one of my many vices, and probably not the worst (and in all honesty is happier to see me enjoying a pipe inside, than manically chain-smoking cigarettes outside).

In terms of your pipe collection and cellar, I wouldn't get rid of anything you'd regret. I would keep all the cellar, and work out a sensible storage solution. Get rid of any pipes you don't really want, and store the rest well (@TheIronMonkey 's suggestion is a great one).

 

[dottlejockey]

When we lived in a smaller house in town i remodeled a room in the basement to be my smoking area, opened the daylight windows and ran a fan at the other end to force the smoke out.

Now that i built a bigger home on acreage, i simply added a smoking lounge to the back of my shop. However, this is a dangerous move if you make it too comfortable for yourself. You might just be a rare sight in the house after a few years. Experience talking.

 

[sablebrush52]

A few thoughts.

On reducing your pipe collection and cellar. Start by picking the 50% of each that you want to keep and put the rest out of sight so that you get used to the smaller amount. Then repeat until you're downsized to what would be just enough. When I moved, I downsized my library of art books by between 2/3rds and 3/4ths. It was difficult at first, but once I'd started, trimming all of my various collections and possessions got easier and easier.

The other part is more complex, or not, depending on how flexible you both are on the topic. Definitely have that discussion. Your girlfriend hates your smoking, probably because she cares about you, cares about your health, and sees this for the self destructive behavior that actually it is. A really pleasant, fun, and relaxing form of self destructive behavior that we rationalize the hell out of. Just look at some of the preceding responses.

You can decide how much she matters over the allures of My Lady Nicotine. Both of my wives were smokers who quit cold turkey. Neither made any demands upon me. Because they were both really done with smoking, my use didn't affect them in the least. I didn't have to have the discussion, though I did decide to stop smoking indoors because I didn't like the smell of stale tobacco on everything.

You both will need to decide what matters most, and where the boundaries are.

 

[Searock Fan]

If you've been in a similar situation, how did you approach arriving at a compromise?

Easy. After we got married and she decided she wanted a new home I made a deal with her. If I built her a new house I got one room that would be my smoking room. Separate A/C and heat and separate ventilation... and no women allowed. If I couldn't have that I was not very interested. After some pissing and moaning on her part, here I am 20 some years later puffing away in my smoking room. She's some where around here, but I'm smoking my pipe in peace.

 

[OzPiper]

My wife is a non-smoker and is intolerant of tobacco smoke Indoors.

Luckily the climate in Sydney, apart for the occasional very hot or humid day, is conducive to smoking outdoors on the front verandah (sheltered from the wind) or backyard patio (a tad breezy) most year round.

She pokes her head out most times to ask if I’d like a cuppa, then disappears back indoors, leaving me in blissful silence.

 

[MartyA]

My wife and I have been married 50 years. Although I occasionally smoked a pipe even before we were married, I only got into it regularly, like once daily, a couple years ago.
My wife doesn't fully approve, but she doesn't make a fuss about it. I smoke outside by my own choice. I tend to accumulate old stuff, and I don't want all my stuff absorbing tobacco smoke. So, it works.
Only bad news is, my low temp for outdoor smoking is 50 degrees F. Right now it's 12. So, aside from a Christmas smoke in the basement, I'm doing without now, and missing it. Such is life.

OH, that Christmas smoke... I was smoking a new tobacco that my daughter gave me. After a little "room note" drifted upstairs, I heard my wife say "What's that awful smell?" I dumped it and switched to something more familiar that I knew smelled good. My older son was home, and although he can be rather OCD, he told me "I LIKED the smell of your pipe." And my wife sort of apologized. Sort of. A little.

 

[VDL_Piper]

What I do is sit down in my chair and switch on the TV with subtitles and light up, generally some nightcap or similar. Takes about 3 minutes for the better half to arrive and start waiving hands about like Joe Cocker, she then reverts to John Travolta Saturday Night Fever routine with hand on hip and finger pointing towards curtains, lounges and flooring. I nod sagely and acknowledge everything and then she leaves which is the moment I turn my hearing aids on. Sun Tzu said in The Art of War “Supreme excellence consists of breaking the enemy's resistance without fighting.”. I adhere to this ethos in life, have a plan and stick to it. I wish you all the best………I do, I really do.

Actually this is probably no help so I’ll see myself out.

 

[OzPiper]

What I do is sit down in my chair and switch on the TV with subtitles and light up, generally some nightcap or similar. Takes about 3 minutes for the better half to arrive and start waiving hands about like Joe Cocker, she then reverts to John Travolta Saturday Night Fever routine with hand on hip and finger pointing towards curtains, lounges and flooring. I nod sagely and acknowledge everything and then she leaves which is the moment I turn my hearing aids on. Sun Tzu said in The Art of War “Supreme excellence consists of breaking the enemy's resistance without fighting.”. I adhere to this ethos in life, have a plan and stick to it. I wish you all the best………I do, I really do.

Actually this is probably no help so I’ll see myself out.

My vote for “Post Of The Day”

 

[litup]

Is your lady friend against your pipe smoking because she thinks it is a bad habit and bad for you? Does she resent the time apart from you that is taken up by smoking? Does she dislike the smell of smoke? It sounds like you don't even know yet and you just suspect that she's not a fan. I think the best advice I could give you would be to talk to her about it before coming to us seeking solutions since your problem hasn't been clearly defined yet.

 

[warren]

However, she is not a fan of the pipe smoking (or smoking in general really). She's not said anything to me directly on the subject but I can see that it bugs her and in truth I've traded off some of the time I would've spent smoking and reading to spend with her.

She is either the most important element in your life or, she's not. Simple isn't it. Your choices conflict. And having to ask advice from third parties indicate she's not, At least you appear to think not.

 

[PaulRVA]

I’ve never smoked indoors with the exception of my office at work as I cannot tolerate the lingering odor so always outdoors.

My wife is totally cool with pipes
with the exception of Lat Bombs and as far as cigars anywhere within 300 yards of her forget it. That’s the one thing that will set her off

My advice is on your next place make sure you have a balcony, patio, porch or courtyard and you’ll have a useable spot.

Save those pipes up for later when it fits in appropriately.
It can be hard to smoke a pipe or cigar anytime you like depending on work and home as it takes time and a place.

 

[HawkeyeLinus]

Whatever “sometime this year” is get it figured out before you move in together - if you can’t you have your answer, if you can still no guarantee, lol.